Gorgeous babes are not immune to heartache

It's articles like this one that remind me that being a woman of average beauty will not ruin my life. Poor Halle. Married to an abuser, then divorced. Then married to a cheater and divorced again. Then shackin' up with a hot model, having a child, and now splitting up! 

Events like these always challenge my deeply-held, yet completely false, belief that beautiful people are always happy due to their generous portion of pulchritude. Although I hate to admit it, (or maybe I don't...) it makes an average girl like me feel pretty good about herself. It just goes to show that our societal beliefs are complete bullshit. Money, fame, success, beauty. These things can be fun but they aren't necessary precursors for happiness or inner peace. 

I'm beginning to think us regular schmucks have the better deal what with all the celebrity scandals and break-ups. Not that these things don't happen to us. They do, just not under the intense scrutiny of the public eye. When it happens to celebrities, it proves, yet again, that our lust for wealth, fame and beauty as a path to happiness is deeply flawed.  

Sometimes it gives me great joy to read about celebs entangled in embarrassing or sad foibles but I like Halle, despite Catwoman, and this makes me sad for her. Of course, the day that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes break up, I will be leaping for joy as I will no longer be subjected to Katie's pathetic attempts at acting, singing, dancing, and fashion designing. 

Remember this white pantsuit nightmare?

Evil trolls have run amuck... we must stop them!

After reading this, I am convinced that evil, mobile home dwelling, soap opera watching, cheap beer guzzling trolls are in charge. That someone, somewhere thought it would be a good idea for Katie Holmes to portray Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis in a mini-series is more than a little disturbing.

As I stumbled upon this bit of news, my face immediately contorted into an agonized cry. It's almost as bad as naming Sarah Palin one of the world's 100 most influential people - unless they're basing that decision on Sarah having inspired Tina Fey's highly influential impersonation of her and the subsequent snickering and derision toward this Alaskan eyesore. But I digress.

Obviously, I'm underestimating how much influence Mr. Cruise wields in Hollywood. I cannot conceive that this would have happened without him. Damn you Tom! Your wife cannot act! She has about as much charisma as a gnat. And this is who will play one of the most recognized historical figures of the 20th Century? Why are you defiling Jackie this way? It's not right!

Maybe I'll start a Facebook group: "Ban Katie Holmes from portraying Jackie Kennedy Onassis. She can't act fo' shit!" It'll be huge. I can tell. 

On another note, also heinously grievous, was the mention in said article of Greg Kinnear appearing in The Last Song with Miley Cyrus. I like Greg Kinnear. I like him a little less now. WTF? Greg's career is not at the stage where he needs to pimp himself out to a tedious Disney star-making vehicle. Greg, you're better than that and you know it.

Evil trolls... I'll get you.

Sandra... Oh!

Holy sheep shit Batman! These are the kind of days a gossip hound like me waits for. The ones offering "the big reveal" or the "world exclusive". The kind of day when I open up People.com and say "Holy shit!". I live for days like this. 

Oh Sandy... such bliss mixed with retched heartache. Today, news of Sandra Bullock's impending divorce and... wait for it... new adopted child! spread across the gossipsphere like an STD in an old age home. (Come on, you know they do it. It's like living in a university dorm, except they're 90 instead of 18.)

Sandra astutely played her PR cards. She comes back to the spotlight as a new mom (yes, she was a stepmother to Jesse's kids, but this is the icing on that cake) and confirms that yes, indeed, she has filed for divorce from her philandering loser of a husband.

The public was already on her side but now, the tidal wave of good will towards this wronged wife will completely engulf her and her immediate surroundings for months to come. And people will hate Jesse even more for adopting a child with Sandra while cheating on her, for sucking the celebratory vibe out of her Oscar win way too soon (that shit should be reverberating for at least a year) and for generally being a f*cking douchebag. Yes, all is as it should be. Sandra adored and Jesse scorned.

Click here for more info and a pic of Sandra's adorable son Louis.

It's Hef to the rescue!

Leave it to Hef to come to the rescue of a Hollywood landmark. This impressed me. Actually, Hugh Hefner has always impressed me. He is one of very few who blazed his own trail, and made his own unique impression on our collective consciousness. 

In an era of deception, with Tiger Woods and Jesse James being the latest offenders, there is no doubt as to who the Hef is. He makes no apologies. He also does not deceive. 

In the wake of the Jesse James scandal, Hugh weighed in, stating that yes indeed, what Jesse James did was wrong. This coming from Hugh Hefner, you ask? The Godfather of the Playboy legacy? As Hugh put it: Jesse done wrong because he lied and deliberately deceived Sandra. In Hugh's case, a woman knows what she's getting into. He's not monogamous, and he says so. There is no deception. Go Hef.

And now he's plunked down $900,000 to save a piece of land containing a historic landmark. This dude is the shit. He's also looking pretty fab at 84 which means he's doing something right. 

Despite his many detractors, Hugh Hefner is a visionary, one who was bold enough to think outside the box in a time when conformity was fed to a post-war population aching for some sense of security. Playboy is not only a household name but an American legacy, one that has left an indelible mark on mass culture. 

Thanks Hef. Lala land wouldn't be the same without it.

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La Lohan loses again

You know, this doesn't even feel like news, it's so self-evident. La Lohan was recently dropped from an upcoming film project due to the financial backers' uneasiness about her questionable revenue-generating status. I've beat up plenty on La Lohan in the past, and apparently, for good reason. 

She's also been banned from an L.A. night club for throwing a glass at Samantha Ronson's head. Dude. Really? It's not her fault you've now become a joke. My guess is that Twitter is the only thing comforting Lindsay these days and feeding her delusions of relevancy. 

I believe, at this juncture, that it would be appropriate to give up on Lindsay Lohan. I've given her the benefit of the doubt and sound advice which, obviously, she has not heeded. So, f*ck you Lindsay. It's time for you and your "I used to be a semi-talented actress but now I'm a coked-up has-been" pathetic life to go away. I have no pity left for you anymore, nor any tolerance. Buh-bye. 

Look at this cutie-pie. So full of promise.

You were on your way to hitting it big...

Until your drug-ravaged face 

was showcased in this lovely mug shot. 

Have you thought about a career in office administration, or perhaps horticulture?

Joni Mitchell smackdown

Fresh on the heels of the wildly successful Glee "Madonna" episode, Joni Mitchell smacks us down by declaring in a recent interview that "Americans have decided to be stupid and shallow since 1980. Madonna is like Nero; she marks the turning point." Ouch. Like most Glee fans, I thought the Madonna episode was pretty cool shit. Then Joni made me feel bad. 'Cause she's probably right. 

Madonna's "Like a Virgin" album was one of the first cassette tapes I ever bought, back in the days when stirrup pants and Miami Vice were hot shit. I remember watching the video for the title track, mesmerized by this gutsy gal singing about sex. 

Since then, I've bought many more of Madonna's CDs. I have yet to own a Joni Mitchell CD but my boyfriend has some of her music so that must count for something. There is definitely more depth to Joni's music than to Madonna's. 

I think Joni's right because when I look around, I see the effects of 30 years of being stupid and shallow, i.e. the American economic meltdown, reality TV, our obsession with celebrities (ahem). So where do we go from here? The bulk of pop culture is completely vacuous. I think we can all agree on that. 

However, with the rise of specialty cable TV channels, we have witnessed the birth of searingly hot TV. This shit is GOOD. Only people generously endowed with intelligence, wit and depth could write these shows. It's a ray of hope in a superficial era.

And if we weren't so stupid and shallow, we wouldn't have Family Guy or South Park making fun of us. What kind of life would that be? We need a dose of communal idiocy to keep things interesting, you know? Keep us on our toes. Like an addict who must hit rock bottom before seeing the light, and getting help, we, as a collective, must sink to the lowest depths of depravity before realizing we may need to change courses. 

 Yep, startin' to see rock bottom.

A little bit o' this and a little bit o' that

There are days, my dearest Sassies, when inspiration is slow in coming, when I surf the celeb gossip-sphere and feel... empty. And then, by some miracle (thank you oh mistress of gossip) I find some small morsel, then another, and another and I must choose, I must prioritize. What gets derided first? Here are a few nuggets I thought would be of interest on an inspiration-challenged day:

1) Stating the obvious: are we that dumb?

Here's a serious case of belittling your audience by stating what is widely known as a biological fact. I do admit, there are some cases where this is not so and a child in no way physically resembles a parent. This is usually because the child is actually the product of a lurid affair to which one of his "parents" was not privy. Just sayin'. 

2) Noted film director to make "Movie of the Week" or should I say "Movie of the Weak"

The short synopsis of Spike Lee's new film Brooklyn Loves You, Michael Jackson in this article reads like a bad Movie of the Week, like those after school specials on teenage pregnancy and shit. Dude, you are way better than this. Think outside the box. 

3) Al Pacino has redeemed himself 

Apparently, Al Pacino kicks it in a new HBO biopic of Jack Kavorkian and reminds us that he is indeed a talented actor. Thank God. I was feeling sad for Al these last few years. This is someone I idolized back in the day. I watched all three Godfather movies in one weekend and it was sublime. I wanted to be Mrs. Al Pacino. Then, he made 88 minutes and I was like, dude, what the f*ck? Welcome back, Al.

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Come to momma.

Kate Gosselin and fake boobs are like, so passé...

Thank you to the viewers of Dancing with the Stars! You obviously read yesterday's post and I am grateful to you for taking action.

On another note, I was tickled pink to stumble across this article. Thank God. Is it possible some modicum of sanity is being restored in Hollywood? I'd like to think so but the truth is, fake boobs will only be replaced by some other crazy shit.

Why fake boobs were ever cool is beyond me. If anything, I wanted a reduction, and I'm only a 36 C. But boobs, they take up space, they bounce around, you basically have to tie them down when doing any kind of sport. I longed for a smaller cup, an almost boyish figure that would allow the wearing of a bra to be optional. 

Alas, this is not the case, but between wanting something different and going under the knife to get it, lies a vast territory of self-perception and self-esteem. Some simply accept what they have, and move on. Others don't.

The real question here is: why do we feel the need to fit into a mold at all? Every body is so unique. How can there possibly be this notion of a "perfect" body? All that does is brainwash us to reject what we have, undergo unnecessary surgery and buy stuff we don't need to feel better about ourselves. And someone, somewhere is making money off our insecurities. Fear is a great way to control and exploit people. It's all part of our rabid consumer culture.

So I say f*ck you to anyone who tries to put me in a box along with every other female. I am unique. Don't try to change me.

What exactly was wrong with the girl on the left?

Fame whores strike again

Last week, while in the Dominican Republic, I watched a lot of CNN's Showbiz Tonight. I was appalled at the amount of airtime taken up by none other than Kate Gosselin. Is she really a celebrity? Is she an absentee mother? Blah, blah, blah... I mean, really. She totally blew it - again - on Dancing with the Stars this week. You fans out there, you have the power to remove this woman from the show. Exercise your right to do so!

There was a big debate as to whether Kate was a courageous single mom trying to provide for her kids or a narcissistic fame whore. I'm leaning towards the latter. Yes, she's making way more money being on a shit reality TV show than she would nursing, which is what she used to do. I get that. 

But this whiny-ass woman does not belong in celeb land. So she's a domineering mother of eight. This is a legitimate claim to fame? Watching her on television is about as much fun as listening to fingernails against a blackboard. It's cringe-inducing. I don't give a shit that she's a single mom of a small sports team - that's her problem.

 Kate's famous for subjecting herself to this. The fact that she survived is the only thing differentiating her from a Darwin award winner.

In other maddening celeb news, Jessica Alba will be a member of the judging panel for the Tribeca Film Festival. To which I say: Huh? Other judges include Brooke Shields, Alicia Keys, America Ferrera, Zach Braff, Aaron Eckhart, Justin Bartha, Selma Blair, Peter Facinelli, Cheryl Hines and Whoopi Goldberg. 

Notice how one is not like the others? The others, in this case, are talented performers. Jessica Alba is woefully inadequate as an actor. I mean, let's get real. This girl gets by on physical assets alone. It's an insult to this film festival that she's actually a judge. Who did she blow for this gig?

I am SO a talented actress!

Resort crashers

If undercover agents were rated by movie characters I would be Bridget Jones. My boyfriend and I recently stayed at a resort complex in the Dominican Republic comprised of four sections: 1) the one for people with money, 2) the one for people who think they have money,  3) the one for people who live within their means, and 4) the one for people who don't want to spend money but want a vacation.

We were at the resort in category #2. You'd think this would have been enough for us. One evening, as we were engaging in our after-dinner stroll, we stumbled upon the boundary between our resort and the "rich people" resort. There was an opening, an unguarded border. We decided to go AWOL and enter into forbidden territory, to see how the other half lives.

This is where I would have failed my undercover agent exam. This is when I got nervous and began to lurch awkwardly onto the off limits property, shoving my hand and, more importantly, my wrist and section-specific coloured bracelet into my pocket. If spotted, our fluorescent orange bracelets would give our riff-raff status away and we'd be booted out like yesterday's trash, shoved back into our resort with an admonishing finger.

Under cover of the night sky, we explored the pool area, and were so bold as to lie down on one of their fancy outdoor beds with canopy. Then, we made our way to the hotel and peered into the fancy restaurants and shops, trying to look like we belonged. Luckily, I was wearing my Lacoste knock-off shirt (which I got for 12 bucks, thank you very much) so I fit right in with this crowd. Except for my constant look of panic at being found out, they never would have known we were from the "other side". 

Kudos to my boyfriend for totally keeping his cool. He even wanted to try and get some drinks at the bar but I couldn't do it. The thought of an unpleasant scene, and being thrown out was too much for me. I couldn't handle the potential embarrassment. 

We managed a pretty thorough tour of the property given our renegade status, then headed back to our neck of the beach to go watch CNN's Showbiz Tonight. More on that tomorrow...

Oh fluorescent orange bracelet, you would give me away like a shotgun at a wedding.

Liz Taylor to tie the knot... Again.

My dearest Sassies,

This blogger will be on hiatus for a week. I know, I know... I can already hear the gasps and gnashing of teeth. Fear not, my pretties, I shall return, bigger, badder and bolder than ever - or maybe just the same as I am now. Alliterations just sound so dramatic. But I digress. Here's some dirt to hold you over. And it's a doozie...

Elizabeth Taylor is engaged, for the ninth time, to a 49-year-old man. She's 78. Liz gives new meaning to "cougar". Part of me wants to say "Ewwww", and another part wants to say "Hells ya, sista!" I'm torn. 

I also wonder about the legitimacy of this union. I mean, it can't be the sex, right? Not to say a 78-year-old woman isn't appealing but have you seen Liz lately? She's looking a little worse for wear. Apparently, Liz and her beau have been dating for several years. Huh.

I'm flummoxed, to say the least. Back in the day, Liz was the shit. But, let's face it, anyone who's been married eight times has some issues. She's got the crazy. To what extent, I'm not sure, but it's definitely there. Of this, I have no doubt.

Although.... US Weekly reported the engagement and it hasn't been confirmed. Which leaves some room for uncertainty. But It's Liz Taylor. Of course she's getting married again. 

 Look at this adorable child. She's got the face of an angel.

 Liz oozing some serious gorgeossity (pronounced gor-jee-ah-si-tee).

Still lookin' fabulous. Nice cleavage.

And... this is Liz today. Still stylin' but looking like she's shrunk. 

You know, like old people do.

Another celeb break-up rocks my world

This makes me sad. All these break-ups. I can't deal. I liked Jim and Jenny together. They were fun and seemed happy. Like their happy would last forever, or at least a really, really long time. Alas, it was not meant to be. The Hollywood couple landscape is cracking like a manic depressive off meds. It ain't pretty. Kate and Sam, Tim and Susan, Sandra and Jesse.

Although, in Sandra's case, she should kick Jesse's sorry ass to the curb. This not only hurts them, it hurts the fans as well. No one seems to think of the fans. If you're part of an A-list celebrity couple, the least you can do is think of the fans before deciding to break up. 

We are willing to make certain exceptions to this rule (yes, Sandra, we approve of you ditching your lying, cheating dirt bag of a husband, no consultation required). But apart from these few extraordinary cases where a couple dissolves amid a lurid scandal, the fans should be consulted. We made you. We have a say. A simple referendum will do. 

Your duty as a celebrity is to live the life we commoners wish we had, not embody our worst nightmares. Breaking up ain't pretty, therefore you should have our consent before you rock our fragile worlds with news of separation and divorce. Think about it. If the fans had their say...

Tom and Nicole would still be together

Katie Holmes' body would not have been snatched by L. Ron Hubbard

Brad and Jen would still be together

 and Brad would not be in this fine situation... yeah, he looks happy.

Do not underestimate the fans. We know what is best for you, and can help you avoid making rash, irresponsible decisions that can only lead to no good. You're a celebrity. You can't be trusted. Leave the important decisions up to us, and you'll be a winner, any way you slice it.

Kate cannot dance, Heidi cannot hug and Gwyneth cannot forgive

Picture this: It's April 2, in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada and my step-daughter and I are out on our deck in shorts and bikini tops, tanning. Do you see what's wrong with this picture? April 2. Canada. The average temperature at this time of year is like, 7 degrees Celcius. That's 44 degrees Fahrenheit. It was around 30 Celcius on April 2 and 3, 2010. That's 86 degrees Fahrenheit. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, we ain't complainin'. It was fabulous, albeit strange. An Easter gift from the Gods. We must have done something right lately. Although I don't know how that's possible with Stephen Harper as Prime Minister. In some circles, we call him "Baby Bush" (just to give you an idea of what we're dealing with.) Our Obama hasn't yet arrived. But that's a matter for another time. We've got more important things to examine.

Such as this. Sometimes I want to give up on humanity. Why is this woman still on the show!!!

Then I come across this little tidbit. Apparently, due to the gynormous size of her new fake boobs, Heidi Montag can no longer go jogging, and because her body is so "fragile" now, following her numerous plastic surgeries, she shies away from hugging people. Someone who voluntarily has her body hacked up in her early twenties doesn't deserve hugs. 

 From real person to plastic Barbie. You suck.

And last but not least, Gwyneth Paltrow admits in the new issue of British Vogue that she has revenge fantasies and can be mean.You don't say. This does not surprise me. I get her Goop newsletter via e-mail once a week. On the odd occasion, the subject matter is actually enlightening. But mostly, it's Gwyneth reminding us commoners how we don't live like movie stars. 

She shares her picks of hotels and restaurants in major cities across the globe, health tips and recipes, among other things. But it's coated in a "don't you wish you could live like this" kind of tone. Like she's pretending she has things in common with the rest of us. Please. And she name drops. A lot. Bitch. 

But... kudos to Gwyneth for admitting she can get her hate on when one of her bitches pisses her off. That takes balls. Admitting you're not perfect, when seemingly, you lead a perfect life that everyone wants and you know it. Sometimes Gwyneth, she surprises me. However, I'm still bitter about her Oscar win for Shakespeare in Love. She didn't deserve it, not that year, with that competition. But I digress.

Sometimes, I hate people.

Yep, still bitter.

Bisexuals and vampires and witches, oh my!

Well slap my ass and call me Charlie! Anna Paquin is bisexual. Now that is news. Totally unexpected, out of the blue, smack you in the face kind of news. I wonder if her fiancé knew about this prior to their engagement. Of course he did, that's probably why he's marrying her. A threesome? Oh honey, if that's what'll make you happy, then sure, let's have a threesome. 

They should exploit this on True Blood. I mean, the show is soft porn already. Why not take it up a notch? Don't get me wrong. I LOVE True Blood and am counting down the days until the Season 3 premiere on June 13. A bisexual story line could certainly spice things up. 

Look at Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She was straight for the first three seasons, then turned into an all-powerful lesbian witch in Season 4. And it worked. I bought it. There also would have been no Tara if Willow had remained your run of the mill hetero. And we love Tara. We'll love Anna too, whether she's making out with boys or girls. 

He's thinking: She's into vampires and chicks. Score!

Look at these two. Just makes your heart melt doesn't it?

Well, my dearest Sassies, it's Easter weekend which means 4 glorious days off for yours truly. This will have to tide you over until early next week. There are some new posts on Oedipal Odyssey as well to regale you over the weekend.

Happy Easter y'all!