Lying and cheating and texting, oh my!

When a forty-something woman posts pictures of herself in a bikini on Twitter, there's always a reason... and I've found it. 

Is it true? Is it just a rumour? If Demi is posting half naked photos of herself you gotta know there's some truth to it. Here's the conversation I imagine took place between Demi and Ashton that led to her desperate attempt to out-hottie Ashton's 21-year-old mistress:

Demi: So Ash, were you all up in her cooch or what?

Ashton: (pause) Or what?

Demi: Don't be coy.

Ashton: Huh?

Demi: That means... oh, I don't know what it means. Just answer the question. 

Ashton: Babe, why would I do something like that when I have you, fake.... everything and all?

Demi: I don't know, you tell me.

Ashton: Babe, you're acting all crazy. Relax.

Demi: Don't tell me to relax. She's younger than Rumer!

Ashton: She is?

Demi: You asshole!

Ashton: Babe, come on. Why don't we go to a Kabbalah service or something, so you can cool down.

Demi: That shit is just for show! So I could wear a red string around my wrist and be like Madonna.

Ashton: Maybe we should actually try it. I think you need it.

Demi: Don't tell me what I need! What I need is for you to tell me the truth!

Ashton: You can't handle the truth! Huh...huh...huh. Get it?

Demi: I'm going to stick a big, sharp object into one of my fake boobs and deflate it if you don't tell me what really happened.

Ashton: Umm, you've been punk'd?

Demi: Ha, ha, very funny... Really? Seriously? Oh my God, oh my God! Ohhh, you! Wait... where are the TV cameras?

Ashton: Duh, they're hiding... so you couldn't see them. 

Demi: Where are they now?

Ashton: They're gone.

Demi: But they didn't get the big reveal.

Ashton: Ya, they did. They, like, just left.

Demi: (pause) I'm going to prove to you just how hot I am.

Ashton: Cool.

Demi: I'm going to go into our bathroom, put a bikini and some shades on, take pictures of myself and post them on Twitter. That little biznatch ain't got nothin' on me.

Ashton: Cool.

Demi: And, we're going to speak together at a Clinton Global Initiative event to show everyone what a serious, smart couple we are.

Ashton: Cool.

Detox dementia

Demi Moore's been tweeting lately about a new "cleanse" she's on. First, it was the "Master Cleanse", some detox program that consists of a diet of lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. Now, she's on "The Clean Program" which is heavily endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, if Gwyneth says it's ok, then it must be.

I receive Gwyneth's weekly Goop e-newsletters. Don't ask. It's "research". I remembered one she sent on Spring detox programs and how, right there, in the middle of an article, was a sentence uttered by one of her "experts" that basically contradicted the whole theme of specific cleanse programs: "If one eats right, gets proper rest and exercise, the body will actually detox itself naturally."

Well, well, well. Not rocket science, is it? Certainly not some concoction of tree bark, citrus juice and spicy vegetables. Then, I go check out the website of this "Clean Program". On the link to the book available for purchase, it states that it's been endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow, some other doctor dude and others. The fact that it lists a celebrity before a doctor as an endorser of this product is highly suspect. Is it more important that some movie star schlep your product around than a legitimate MD?

I'm no health care professional or certified nutritionist/herbalist/holistic health expert but my guess is that common sense should dictate what we put into, and how we treat our bodies. Eat properly, sleep and exercise. Guess that just makes too much sense... or no one can market it and make a profit.

Our bodies do not naturally drop a remarkable amount of weight in a nano second. These starlets really need to consider what they're pushing on an ill-informed consumer culture obsessed with looking just like them. 

 Take your tree bark and shove it!

Desperation reaches new heights

How's this for an eye-catching article title: "Demi Moore Teaches Daughter Rumer Pole Dancing". But of course! (said with French accent) What else is there to do when you're attending a party at the Château Marmont? Apparently, when Demi sees poles she can't help but jump unto them to show everyone "she still has what it takes". Puke. 

Still has what it takes to what, revive a sagging career, reverse your has-been status? Let's face it, without Ashton and plastic surgery, she'd already be forgotten, only to be remembered during odes to 80's movie directors (à la John Hughes at the Oscars - could Mathew Broderick and Molly Ringwald have been any shittier? But I digress...)

Then, as her husband looks on, Demi encourages her 21-year-old daughter to join her. Heh? Am I the only one who thinks this is kinda weird? I haven't done the math or anything, but isn't Rumer closer in age to Ashton than Demi is? Watchin' his step-daughter pole dance, with his wife. Ewww.....

Speaking of desperate, here's the latest cover of W magazine:

Apparently, these two are adamant they're not together. But of course! (there's that French accent again) You just do skeezy magazine spreads together, 'cause that's what friends do when they hang out. Please. Jen is so desperate for attention now that Brangelina is once again in the spotlight, very much together (although I'm still convinced those two won't last - but that is a discussion for another time). Jen must counteract all the sweet Brangelina baby photos emerging from their latest European adventure. 

So she amps it up and gets her sleeze on, with Gerard Butler. I do not find this man attractive. He looks like a douche. And in the sparse, short snippets I've seen of him on TV, my suspicion has been confirmed. Oh Jen, why do you debase yourself this way? Brangelina baby will always win out over skanky spread with douchey co-star.