Today I'm a crusty bitch

John Mayer has had to cancel the rest of his European tour due to an "unnamed illness". Well John, here are a few questions that may help you narrow down the list of possible ailments:

1) have you been acting like a two dollar hooker on payday?

2) does it burn when you pee?

3) is it really itchy "down there"?

4) are there any red, swollen craters forming on your manly instrument?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, you probably have an STD. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Your doctor will give you a prescription and it should go away. Unless you've got the herp. The herp stays with you forever, like an "accident" you didn't want to abort. (Oooh, over the line? Nah.) 

Speaking of over the line, Kristen Stewart, in an interview with Elle UK, states that "fame is like rape". Wait... wait... I think I just threw up in my mouth. Dear Kristen: cry me a f*cking river. If you didn't like the international fame and insane Twilophile adulation brought on by the first Twilight movie, you didn't have to sign up for the rest of 'em. You could have walked away and they would have recast Bella, as they did Victoria, and maybe they would have replaced you with someone who can act. 

I have no pity for celebrities who put themselves in the limelight, then complain that the glare of fame is too hot. Go do some regional theatre if it bothers you that much.

John Mayer's verbal diarrhea

Some people should stop talking... altogether. People like John Mayer. He elevates douchebaggery to a whole new level. Here are some excerpts from his latest interview, with Playboy magazine:

His dream is to write pornography: 

When I watch porn, if it's not hot enough, I'll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.

He refers to Jessica Simpson as sexual napalm, as a drug he'd give up everything to snort:

That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me... Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm...

There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, "I want to quit my life and just f*ckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep f*cking you."

 ...and slams Jennifer Aniston for not blathering endlessly on Twitter about nothing:

The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, "These are the new rules."...

He's now apologizing all over the place for using the "n" word in the very same interview. Here's a taste of his views on black women:

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick.

PLAYBOY: Let's put some names out there. Let's get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She's superhot, and she's also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she'd be like, "Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever." And you'd be like, "What? We weren't talking about that."

O.M.G. Can you say overshare? Do we really need to know about John Mayer's dick and love of porn? He's obviously suffering from chronic verbal diarrhea. This must stop. Not a big fan of Simpleminded Simpson and now I learn that she's all "crazy" in the sac? Ewww... Perhaps flatulence was involved. John must have loved that stinky ass.