Fifty Shades of... WTF?

I just started reading the wildly popular Fifty Shades trilogy. I'm maybe a quarter through the first book, (SPOILER ALERT) where the ever enigmatic, perfectly chiseled Adonis, Christian Grey, and the sweet, innocent and virginal (but not for long), Anastasia Steele, have engaged in "vanilla" sex. I haven't yet got to the really kinky stuff. Is that "chocolate" sex? Maybe "rocky road" would be more appropriate.

I'm a little torn about what I've read so far. The writing is awful. The story, banal, until you get to the sex, which, let's face it, any way you cut it, is titilating. Of course I'll continue to read, because once you get to the raunchy stuff, you don't really care how it's written. It's dirrrty, and we like that.

However, my dilemma arises from the portrayal of how easily this young virgin takes to sex. In their first sexual encounter, Anastasia is still a virgin and has never once masturbated, however, she manages to have three orgasms, one while Christian is stimulating her nipples, the second, during intercourse, with a condom, and the third, again during intercourse, from behind, with a condom.

I get that it's supposed to be a fantasy, and most women who've just read the paragraph above will acknowledge that it is indeed just that, a fantasy. I don't know about you, but the first time you have sex, even if you're not a virgin but with a new partner, it is rarely, if ever, of the multiple orgasm kind.

It's awkward at best, as two people explore new territory and try to figure each other out on a physical level. In reality, most women can't orgasm simply through intercourse, and with a condom? If you're gonna go the fantasy route, you'd better go all the way. There are no condoms in our fantasies because STDs don't exist in Fantasyland. Why bring down the dream with, and I'm paraphrasing here: "As I lay writhing in ecstasy, I heard the tear of a foil packet and he put on a condom." Is this an advertisement for safe sex? No. So, like, WTF?

Anastasia, as it turns out, is also an instant expert at oral sex. Miracles never cease. Again, in reality, practice makes perfect. Your first blow job probably wasn't stellar. It may have been acceptable, but not of the "sweet mother of God, what just happened" variety. I mean, we're playing with junk that in no way resembles our own, and on top of that, each male partner is different from the next, so it's like starting all over again every time you're with someone new.

Realistically speaking, if you stick with one guy for a while and sleep with him a few times, then things start to fall in place, you get familiar with each other's bodies and, if you're lucky, you start to orgasm.

Sure, there are some exceptions. There may be women who can come at the drop of a hat, just thinking about sex or while sitting on the bus, if it vibrates in just the right way, on just the right spot but that's a very slim minority, and one I'm sure us chicks would all like to be a part of.

I guess my only beef with this kind of writing is that it sets such unrealistic expectations of what sex and intimacy are that it can only lead to disappointment if readers try to live up to these ideals. It may even lead some women to think there's something wrong with them because they can't orgasm while some dude pounds away at them, all porn-style. Of course, Anastasia could orgasm, like, her very first time having sex. Feel good about yourself now?

I think erotic literature definitely has its place, especially for women, who I suspect prefer to read about and imagine it rather than watch it. This particular trilogy has definitely got people talking about sex and thinking about sex and probably having more sex and, in that respect, it's a good thing.

I would just be wary of trying to emulate what's in the books, hoping for the same results. Sexuality is such an individual thing and everyone responds to it very differently. Going into it with the myth of the multiple-orgasming virgin looming over you just may suck all the fun right out of it.

Here's my version of this portion of the story:

Christian and Anastasia are having sex for the first time:

Anastasia: F*ck Christian, that hurts!

Christian: You like that, don't you.

Anastasia: No, I'm serious, it f*cking hurts. It's my first time!

Christian: Oh. Ok. I'll go real slow. Easy.

Anastasia: Ok.

Christian: How does that feel?

Anastasia: Um, kinda cool, I guess, and well, weird but good, I think.

Christian climaxes. Anastasia doesn't but thinks sex is kinda neat and wants to try it again sometime soon.

Russian Dating Chat - it wasn't what I was expecting

So I open up my Gossip Junkie app to check out the celeb scene and the first thing I see at the top of a long list of inane articles on celebrity happenings is an ad selling "Russian Dating Chat Hot Girls". I'm assuming this was written by someone who speaks broken English. Does Celebuzz vet its advertisers at all?

This could be a human sex slave business. A dodgy dude in some rundown Moscow brothel promises its overworked, underpaid, malnourished prostitutes a "new life" in America. 'Cause being a prostitute in the States is much easier.

Unless you start smoking crack. Then, forget it. You'll be hangin' out on some rat poop infested mattress in a condemned building with people who have names like Cutter and Tweaker, sucking back diet Coke while your teeth rot, your skin peels off your face, and your cooch dries up. Then what?

Or maybe it's a mail order bride service. "White collar criminal with "unique" sexual appetites seeks foreign girl desperate for American citizenship to fulfill every whim and fantasy. Must not get nauseous at the sight of blood."

How do we know these girls are even Russian? They could be starving L.A. actresses practicing their foreign accents, dreaming of their "big break". Except that moment never comes, and they end up converting to Mormonism, moving to Salt Lake City, and becoming the 5th sister wife of the leader of some obscure polygamist sect.

Their sense of fashion suffers greatly as the sect will only allow them to wear Little House on the Prairie inspired outfits and they spend the rest of their days struggling with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy.

You can't see these girls, either. Are they really hot? Maybe they're homely kitchen help in some Siberian gulag, forced to have phone sex with foreigners and never seeing a dime for themselves since the profits are siphoned to a Russian mobster in St. Petersburg who's running the prison system through bribery of law officials.

Anyone posting these types of advertisements should really think twice before doing so as they could lead some curious horny pubescent boy down the wrong path.

Gossip Girl is full of B.S.

The past few weeks have felt like a hike through a desert, barefoot, in a string bikini, with no sunblock. The desert signifying the sheer lack of good TV programming. The only shows we've been able to look forward to lately are Dexter, Hung and Modern Family (when it's not a repeat). In a week that consists of seven days, three TV shows ain't gonna cut it.

However, last night I stumbled upon a cool, refreshing oasis. 1) Season 5 of 30 Rock on DVD. 2) Season 1 of Gossip Girl, also on DVD. No, I hadn't seen one episode of Gossip Girl until last night. Yes, I occasionally live under a rock. I like it there. It's quiet and Fox News can't get a signal.

Anyhoo, there are pivotal moments in one's life, when you realize nothing will ever be quite the same, that things have somehow been forever altered. One of these moments occurred last night when I was introduced to Gossip Girl. They had me at B.S.

There are four seasons of this show on DVD. Now I know what I'll be doing over my Christmas vacation. Putting a dent in our couch, watching a marathon of Gossip Girl. I'll probably forego personal hygiene and a proper diet, in favour of greasy hair, coffee and anything with cheese in it. Eating healthy takes time, time I could dedicate to watching vacuous socialites and their petty lives.

I had lofty goals for my holiday break: read a good novel; do yoga; write. That's pretty much all shot to hell now. How can I possibly concentrate on that when there's rich bitch porn to watch? Even the boys are bitches on this show. Resistance is futile.

I've only seen two episodes but it was love at first watch. I just know it'll last forever, or until the show ends, whichever comes first. 

xoxo,
Sassy Girl

When are they gonna do it already?

You know when you don't have sex or aren't allowed to have sex and then you obsess about it? I sense this is what's happening with our collective fixation on the sex scene in the next installment of the Twilight saga: Breaking Dawn, part I. It's all over the gossipsphere: how the film almost got an R-rating; shooting the scene; the natural chemistry between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, blah, blah, blah....

I, of course, will be seeing the film to judge for myself whether it lives up to all the hype or not. But frankly, with so much attention on it, we're being set up for disappointment. The religious undertones so evident in the books have now got everyone whipped into a frenzy over the "honeymoon" scenes. It's funny how certain prevalent religions don't really get that the more you restrict it, the more people want it, and the more twisted they get about it.

I mean, just look at the Catholic Church. Do you think all those priests started out as molesters? Probably not. But when you can't have sex and can't masturbate, you get seriously warped. Why does the Church not understand this? It's basic human nature. Or the prevalence of the naughty Catholic school girl fantasy? Come on people, this isn't rocket science.

If Bella and Edward had just done it already we wouldn't be so focused on one single moment but instead absorbed in the whole story. As it stands, the only question on anyone's mind in the movies or even reading the books is: when are they gonna do it? Everything else seems to fade into the background.

If you're not familiar with the books (SPOILER ALERT), Edward refuses to have sex with Bella until they're married, which they do, at 18. Then, miraculously, she gets knocked up, at 18, with a vampire/human hybrid. Then, at childbirth, Bella is turned into a vampire, otherwise she wouldn't have survived since her human body was ripped to shreds by her unique progeny. And they live happily ever after, having crazy awesome vampire sex for eternity.

There's that sex thing again. I'm certainly not against a healthy expression of sexuality but this Twilight thing is so obviously religious as to be offensive to us sane people. I'm not advocating unbridled promiscuity, however, the notion that one should be married before having sex is antiquated, and has caused countless untold tragedies among Catholic youth. (I cite the Catholic religion because I used to be one of its faithful followers.)

The Twilight books were some of the lamest I've ever read but they've undeniably struck a chord with legions of diehard fans fanatically defending the Edward/Bella love story. However, the very fact that this tale has so polarized its fans and naysayers leads me to believe that one should be wary of any kind of religious messaging, even when it's masked within fictional storytelling.

No honey, it's called Gigolos and it's a cable TV show, not porn.

The other night I had to kill some time since my boyfriend and stepdaughter were busy with non-TV related activities. So I perused my On-demand options and decided to give Showtime's Gigolos a try. I had read a brief article about the program and how it consisted of a good, honest look at this small group of upscale male prostitutes in Las Vegas.

How could I not be intrigued? 

So, I plunged in and watched the first episode. It went something like this: Ok, so far everything seems pretty normal. A camera follows these hot dudes around as they talk about their lives and their work. Oh, one of them is meeting a client. Ok, cool. That's kind of interesting. Oh holy Moses, everyone's naked and having sex, in front of the cameras. Ok, so that's how it's gonna be. Alright. I'm down with it.

The program also aptly shows the camaraderie among this group of five men, who treat each other as brothers and really have each other's back. It's sweet, and warmed the cockles of my cold, cold heart. 

What I did notice after a few episodes was that the sex sequences all seemed eerily similar. The guys pound away like a hammer to a nail, and the chicks all make the same sex sounds and pretty much say the same things. I started to wonder if I was actually watching porn. 'Cause it was getting that cheesy.

I mean, the clients who somehow agreed to be on camera while having sex with male escorts (WTF?) were a pretty diverse group of women but after about three episodes, I could barely tell them apart. Once the action started, it sounded something like this, every time: Ooh, yeah, that's it, harder, ooh, oh, I'm gonna come. End scene. 

There were no crazy ass screamers or quiet, intense types. Just your standard porn soundtrack types. Except for that one who was honing her dominatrix skills. But I digress.

Then, there's this episode where one of them wants to come clean and tell his college buds about his unconventional career choice. The guys are all having a conversation about how they don't talk about what they do, and that their friends and family don't know how they make their living. Ummm, well, now you're ON TV. Secret's out boys. 

It's an intriguing premise, and I haven't quite finished watching all the episodes yet, which I plan to do, in the name of anthropological research. (You would too and you know it.) The irony is that the sex is the least interesting part of this show. The guys' individual stories are far more captivating than watching them bang yet another gal.

And finally, a note to the director(s): when it comes to those sex scenes, mix it up a bit 'cause everyone knows that porn sex isn't real sex. It's the stinky cheese of sex on tape. Go for something a little more authentic. Homemade is better than highly processed.

Life-saving tips I learned from watching TV

In honour of the long-awaited return of Californication (the 4th season premieres on Sunday, January 9), here are a few things I've learned from the previous three seasons:

1 - Sex may be enhanced by punching your lover in the face.

2 - Masturbating at work is not a good idea.

3 - Sleeping with your ex-wife's fiance's under-age daughter is an even worse idea.

4 - Writing about sleeping with your ex-wife's fiance's under-age daughter, then having the manuscript stolen by said daughter who claims it as her own, then is found out to be a fraud, then you beat the crap out of the daughter's agent who could expose you, may land you in the slammer.

5 - Sleeping with a student is ok if she's a stripper.

6 - Sleeping with a married woman is ok if her husband already cheated on her and she's owed a "freebie".

7 - Don't snort blow if you have a deviated septum - it'll burn like hell.

8 - Rick Springfield is a slut.

9 - If you sleep with a porn actor, chances are you'll probably get an STD.

10 - Not only the young and pretty are horny. 

I can deduce from number 7 that watching TV pretty much saved my life. I suspect I may have a deviated septum since one nostril is bigger than the other and my nose was essentially smushed to one side during birth, making for an interesting "first photo". Why the need for a snapshot immediately after birth? I was obviously not looking my best. Give me a chance to clean up for Christ's sake. But I digress.

I had no idea snorting coke could be so dangerous for someone with a crooked nose. Not that I plan on doing blow anytime soon but if, sometime in the future, I decide that this is something I want to try, I'll know not to sniff it up my schnoz.

In all fairness, this program is not all soft porn. The writing is sublime - it's witty and intelligent and the acting is solid. David Duchovny is superb as Hank Moody, a middle-aged man child trying to get it together but not quite succeeding. 

Evan Handler, who plays Charlie Runkle, Hank's showbiz agent bestie, also deserves a mention (Evan may be better known as Charlotte's husband, Harry Goldenblatt, on Sex and the City), as does Pamela Adlon who portrays Charlie's wife, Marcy. Lovable, despite their many flaws, one can't help but root for these three characters.

The supporting cast also surprises and delights. In Season 3 alone, Kathleen Turner, Peter Gallagher, Rick Springfield and Peter Fonda all made unforgettable appearances. Needless to say, I'm quite looking forward to Season 4, if only to gain more life-saving tips.

Perez > Miley

On the best of days, I do not like Miley Cyrus. On the worst of days, I wanna cut the bitch. Today would be one of the latter. There's big controversy whirling around celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton since he posted a  link on his Twitter account to an up-skirt shot of Miley which may or may not display her lady bits. Now, advertisers are pulling their business from his site because of outraged customers, and Perez may be in legal trouble as the photo might fall under child pornography since she's under 18. 

To which I say: what a crock of shit. In his first interview on the subject, Perez hits the nail on the head. Here's an excerpt from an article on Popeater: 

"I didn't pick it for her to look like she wasn't wearing underwear. The point of me choosing that one photo is because it was showing Miley getting out of the car in an unladylike fashion. And I just thought that was funny and in keeping with her shocking behavior of late, because she was very well aware that she was in a public place at a -- at a video shoot and that there were paparazzi present."

Notice the highlighted text. I'm assuming those who are "outraged" by the whole incident are God-fearing, bible-thumping, crazy right-wing Christians who secretly hump farm animals. Any reasonable person can see that Miley is a big 'ol ho. That's right. Don't give me this "she's just 17" bullshit. For more on her skanky behaviour, click here. 

When did underwear go out of fashion? 'Cause I didn't get the memo. If you're climbing out of a car, in a skirt, surrounded by paparrazzi, wear some f*cking underpants! Is that too much to ask? This girl Miley, she'll never get past her white trash lineage. 

I read Perez Hilton's blog and it's awesome. I don't know him personally but I think I can say with a certain amount of confidence that he does not push child pornography nor does he have any interest in doing so. He called Miley on her shit, and kudos to him for having the balls to do it. 

 You rock dude. Keep your chin up.

Miley Cyrus prepping for future career in adult entertainment

Sometimes, it's like I have a crystal ball and can see into the future. See this post from a few months ago, and then this one. Oh Miley, you're only seventeen but already practicing your stripper moves on a gay 44-year-old producer. Let's face it, you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. Just like her mullet-sporting daddy back in his "achy-breaky" days. 

First, pole-dancing at an awards show, now grinding up against someone who's easily old enough to be her daddy. Maybe she calls him that too... you know, like he says: "Who's your daddy?" and she responds: "You are." Ick... 

The fact that said producer is gay does not make this any less disturbing. She's 17! And she was 16 at the time of their dry hump party. Technically, still a child, not quite an adult just yet. The close-up of their grind fest in the TMZ video is most disturbing. A 44-year-old male rubbing his cock up against a 16-year-old's behind is just wrong.

I'm beginning to think the gay thing is just a cover. Adam (pervy producer man) seemed to be enjoying their "dancing" a little too much. If he is in fact gay, that still doesn't justify molesting a minor in public. 

Dirty dancing certainly has its place, like in clubs, where it's assumed all those given permission to enter are at least of legal drinking age. I'm not naïve enough to believe there are no under-agers in bars but when you lie to get into an unsupervised, booze-infested adult playground, you takes your chances, and that's your problem.

But at a movie wrap party? With young children in attendance? It reeks of unrefined, trailer trash behavior. People who were raised by wolves act this way. Do wolves have a penchant for mullets? Just askin'... 

Mark my words... Miley will be doing this in a few years,

only naked and without a microphone.

Desperation reaches new heights

How's this for an eye-catching article title: "Demi Moore Teaches Daughter Rumer Pole Dancing". But of course! (said with French accent) What else is there to do when you're attending a party at the Château Marmont? Apparently, when Demi sees poles she can't help but jump unto them to show everyone "she still has what it takes". Puke. 

Still has what it takes to what, revive a sagging career, reverse your has-been status? Let's face it, without Ashton and plastic surgery, she'd already be forgotten, only to be remembered during odes to 80's movie directors (à la John Hughes at the Oscars - could Mathew Broderick and Molly Ringwald have been any shittier? But I digress...)

Then, as her husband looks on, Demi encourages her 21-year-old daughter to join her. Heh? Am I the only one who thinks this is kinda weird? I haven't done the math or anything, but isn't Rumer closer in age to Ashton than Demi is? Watchin' his step-daughter pole dance, with his wife. Ewww.....

Speaking of desperate, here's the latest cover of W magazine:

Apparently, these two are adamant they're not together. But of course! (there's that French accent again) You just do skeezy magazine spreads together, 'cause that's what friends do when they hang out. Please. Jen is so desperate for attention now that Brangelina is once again in the spotlight, very much together (although I'm still convinced those two won't last - but that is a discussion for another time). Jen must counteract all the sweet Brangelina baby photos emerging from their latest European adventure. 

So she amps it up and gets her sleeze on, with Gerard Butler. I do not find this man attractive. He looks like a douche. And in the sparse, short snippets I've seen of him on TV, my suspicion has been confirmed. Oh Jen, why do you debase yourself this way? Brangelina baby will always win out over skanky spread with douchey co-star.

When it rains, it pours

These past two days have been an all-you-can-eat buffet of smuttiness. Today, The Huffington Post was oozing with trash. Good trash.

First up (this one is from the New York Post): Vanessa Paradis tells partner Johnny Depp to walk away from his current film project. Why, you ask? Because there's a hot, steamy sex scene with Angelina Jolie. Can you blame Vanessa? 

Angelina's history is pretty indicative of what dangers may lie ahead. She stole Billy Bob Thornton (why?) from Laura Dern (who deserved so much better anyway) and Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston - we're still hearing about that one.

However, I have a pretty high opinion of Johnny Depp, and don't think he would stoop so low as to take up with Angelina. If he is than Vanessa deserves better. But this would greatly surprise me. Johnny strikes me as having some integrity. He wouldn't. Would he? 

Then, I almost tossed my lunch when I came across these pictures of La Lohan skankin' it up for some magazine. Ewww..... this is all she has left. Scraping the bottom of the barrel. Reeking of desperation. LOOK AT ME. LOVE ME. GIVE ME A JOB. I can't take it. It's cringe-inducing crusty-crotchness, à la Pamela Anderson. Someone get this girl off the air.

This next one is just icing on the cake; a big, fat, juicy cherry on a sunday. Well, maybe not so big or fat or juicy. Apparently, John Gosselin has a small weenie, and Playgirl wouldn't pay much for it. He would be considered more of a "novelty" than a sex symbol. Ouch. 

Two of his ex-girlfriends claim John is somewhat challenged in the penis department. Makes me wonder why Kate hasn't said anything about this yet. Is this why they needed to resort to fertility treatments? Just askin'.