"Honesty is such a lonely word"

So there I was, trying to be a decent human being, reading some article on Gwyneth's goop website about honesty and gettin' real with yourself and how it will allow you to be honest with others, blah, blah, blah... and I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy 'cause I figure I'm doing some "inner work" by reading this thing and evolving, you know?

Then I come across the following statement, made by the author of said article: "It's an emotional reconnection experience I include along with many others in my upcoming book, Within: A Spiritual Awakening to Love and Weight Loss." WTF?

This is when any semblance of authenticity this guy may have had flew out the window. A spiritual awakening to love and weight loss? Are you f*cking kidding me? You schlep all your "honesty" bullshit and get real with your feelings crap to hit me over the head with the release of your new book which, amazingly, couples spiritual pursuits with weight loss.

Brilliant M.O. my friend. Well done. How better to capture an audience's attention than to throw at them two of the most sought after and often elusive concepts: weight loss and the quest to find the meaning of life.

It's not the first time I've heard weight loss in the same sentence as personal betterment. Apparently when you drop your emotional armour, extra pounds can come off with it. Hey, that's cool. But the above-mentioned statement was couched so surreptitiously within the lines of this article, it felt like a slap in the face, like: "Hey, guess what, this was just a sales pitch asshole. Gotcha!"

Note to goop editors: next time you want to publish some lovey-dovey article about being honest with yourself, you may want to examine how honest the author's motives are for writing the article in the first place. Otherwise, your readers will feel like they've just been f*cked up the ass. That's my honest opinion.

Is Gwyneth an elitist bitch?

Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow was recently accused of elitism, and her newletter Goop, of catering to a privileged few who can spend a 1000 bucks on a pair of shoes or hours preparing a dairy/gluten/meat/sugar/anything good-free meal.

I've been a Goop subscriber for a couple years now (not sure why I signed up in the first place, boredom maybe?) and the accusations are somewhat substantiated. I mean, she ain't selling to Joe Blow middle class or even upper-middle class. To buy into the life she presents in Goop, you need to be wealthy. Not just comfortable, rich.

Gwyneth was recently quoted as saying she can't act like she makes $25,000 a year when that's just not the case. Good point. So I guess you kinda know what you're getting if you sign up for her newsletter: a look into the life of a glamorous movie star. No, not a lot of people live this way. Should she be criticized for being elitist? I don't know that she's ever stated who, exactly, she's targeting with her newsletter so, maybe not.

She's a rich, white girl who grew up in a highly privileged environment. Should we hold that against her? I mean, if we were her, wouldn't we pretty much do the same thing? We seem to have something against wealth. Gwyneth was criticized as being "out of touch". With who? The majority of the population? Then yes, that's true. Does she have to be plugged into the common man and affordable pants? No.

Truth is, if we, the common folk, are looking for advice on anything from what to cook for dinner to the latest Spring trends, we should realize that we won't be getting any useful information from a rich movie actress. Is she somewhat disdainful? Overly-obsessed with healthy eating? Probably. But maybe we would be too if we had to make a living in front of a movie camera with exacting demands on the female form, and were able to afford to eat organic-only.

But most of us aren't of that class. When we're tired and hungry, we go to McDonald's. We buy clothes at Costco 'cause they're cheap, yet well-made, and somewhat stylish.

Do I get irritated when movie actresses self-righteously tell us we should be eating a healthier diet, or "cleanse" seasonally, or buy ridiculously expensive products? Nah. I mean, she's gotta stress about having a perfect ass before starting to shoot the next Ironman while I gorge myself on ice cream without a care in the world.

Detox dementia

Demi Moore's been tweeting lately about a new "cleanse" she's on. First, it was the "Master Cleanse", some detox program that consists of a diet of lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. Now, she's on "The Clean Program" which is heavily endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, if Gwyneth says it's ok, then it must be.

I receive Gwyneth's weekly Goop e-newsletters. Don't ask. It's "research". I remembered one she sent on Spring detox programs and how, right there, in the middle of an article, was a sentence uttered by one of her "experts" that basically contradicted the whole theme of specific cleanse programs: "If one eats right, gets proper rest and exercise, the body will actually detox itself naturally."

Well, well, well. Not rocket science, is it? Certainly not some concoction of tree bark, citrus juice and spicy vegetables. Then, I go check out the website of this "Clean Program". On the link to the book available for purchase, it states that it's been endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow, some other doctor dude and others. The fact that it lists a celebrity before a doctor as an endorser of this product is highly suspect. Is it more important that some movie star schlep your product around than a legitimate MD?

I'm no health care professional or certified nutritionist/herbalist/holistic health expert but my guess is that common sense should dictate what we put into, and how we treat our bodies. Eat properly, sleep and exercise. Guess that just makes too much sense... or no one can market it and make a profit.

Our bodies do not naturally drop a remarkable amount of weight in a nano second. These starlets really need to consider what they're pushing on an ill-informed consumer culture obsessed with looking just like them. 

 Take your tree bark and shove it!

Kate cannot dance, Heidi cannot hug and Gwyneth cannot forgive

Picture this: It's April 2, in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada and my step-daughter and I are out on our deck in shorts and bikini tops, tanning. Do you see what's wrong with this picture? April 2. Canada. The average temperature at this time of year is like, 7 degrees Celcius. That's 44 degrees Fahrenheit. It was around 30 Celcius on April 2 and 3, 2010. That's 86 degrees Fahrenheit. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, we ain't complainin'. It was fabulous, albeit strange. An Easter gift from the Gods. We must have done something right lately. Although I don't know how that's possible with Stephen Harper as Prime Minister. In some circles, we call him "Baby Bush" (just to give you an idea of what we're dealing with.) Our Obama hasn't yet arrived. But that's a matter for another time. We've got more important things to examine.

Such as this. Sometimes I want to give up on humanity. Why is this woman still on the show!!!

Then I come across this little tidbit. Apparently, due to the gynormous size of her new fake boobs, Heidi Montag can no longer go jogging, and because her body is so "fragile" now, following her numerous plastic surgeries, she shies away from hugging people. Someone who voluntarily has her body hacked up in her early twenties doesn't deserve hugs. 

 From real person to plastic Barbie. You suck.

And last but not least, Gwyneth Paltrow admits in the new issue of British Vogue that she has revenge fantasies and can be mean.You don't say. This does not surprise me. I get her Goop newsletter via e-mail once a week. On the odd occasion, the subject matter is actually enlightening. But mostly, it's Gwyneth reminding us commoners how we don't live like movie stars. 

She shares her picks of hotels and restaurants in major cities across the globe, health tips and recipes, among other things. But it's coated in a "don't you wish you could live like this" kind of tone. Like she's pretending she has things in common with the rest of us. Please. And she name drops. A lot. Bitch. 

But... kudos to Gwyneth for admitting she can get her hate on when one of her bitches pisses her off. That takes balls. Admitting you're not perfect, when seemingly, you lead a perfect life that everyone wants and you know it. Sometimes Gwyneth, she surprises me. However, I'm still bitter about her Oscar win for Shakespeare in Love. She didn't deserve it, not that year, with that competition. But I digress.

Sometimes, I hate people.

Yep, still bitter.