German Darth Vader Advent Calendars on Smartphones

Know what I hate? People staring at their mobile phones while walking in public and not bothering to look up so as not to run into you. They still manage to swerve and avoid you because they somehow have an "object in personal space" perception but the fact that "other people" don't even merit a quick glance really irks me.

I mean, yes, I have a smartphone, and yes, it is the second most important relationship in my life (the first being my relationship with the boyfriend, obviously). Ok, I may have added that comment in brackets merely to avoid appearing politically incorrect, or sociopathic. I mean, my relationship with my iPhone couldn't possibly be THE most important relationship in my life, right? Right?

I'm also pissed off at all those critics who poo-pooed the third season of Homeland which the boyfriend and I are now finally getting around to watching. It's very good. What is everyone's problem? Unless it was reverse psychology. Tell everyone it's shitty and when they watch it, what a pleasant surprise it will be that it doesn't suck. Oh big brother... I'm onto you.  

So I had another tooth that was feeling a bit sensitive. They're so easily insulted. I keep telling them to grow a thicker skin. I'll spare you the rest of this story because it's kind of lame. Here's the condensed version: Stressed. Dentist. Fine. Toothpaste for sensitive teeth. If you're wondering why I said "another" tooth, read this. I really need to grow out of this oral fixation phase or start smoking again.

I was on a gluten-free diet for a while until I developed an obsession with cheese. I've always loved cheese, but the absence of wheat products turned cheese into crack-cocaine. It wasn't pretty. I was obviously compensating for the lack of croissants in my life. So I gave that up and simply opted for a balanced diet: a little bit of everything and a lot of wine.

I'm kind of bummed out because I can't find my deluxe Lindt Advent Calendar at Costco. Have they already run out? Did they not receive their shipment yet? Will they simply not stock them this year? What up Costco? Where's my f*cking Advent Calendar?

"Luke, ich bin dein Vater". That's German. I can't attest to its grammatical correctness since I just started learning the language five weeks ago but anyone familiar with Star Wars will figure it out.

 My cat has a new boyfriend:

I'm not sure how I feel about her dating. If she asks for a sleepover, I think I'll say no. We haven't really had "the talk" yet and that boy looks shifty.

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,
I would like a chainsaw and a toy truck for Christmas. I will leave you a snack. I will leave you green peppers and apple juice. Your reindeer are nice but my dad shot them all. He told me he did. Thank you. Love, Adam (names have been changed to protect the innocent). Age: 4.

I wish I had written this.

Here goes nothing...

Dear Santa,
I wish Don Johnson hadn't ruined my acting career, although, writing is way cool. I get to be a hipster doofus as a playwright and not a crazy, neurotic bitch, which is what would have happened had I succeeded as an actress, and Don Johnson, circa 1986 Miami Vice, was totally hot. He is forgiven.

I wish my most important relationship wasn't with my iPhone. I mean, let's face it. I can't go anywhere without it. It's the first thing I touch in the morning and the last thing I touch at night. I suffer separation anxiety when we're apart and absolute bliss when we're together. That is sad.

I saw something on TV recently that reminded me of a Fiona Apple song I really liked. Thank you for that early Christmas gift. Fiona, whatever happened to you, you bad, bad girl?

I learned watching Californication that I should probably never snort cocaine. It's quite dangerous if you have a deviated septum. It's never been medically confirmed that I have a deviated septum but my nose is kinda big and crooked so thank you Santa for saving me from a life of cocaine-induced whoredom. I would, however, like to find my Jewish relatives.

I would like a skin-tight black latex body suit, like the one in the first season of American Horror Story. Just 'cause.

Walmart is a sad place. I can't go there anymore. Every time I do, I feel dirty, like my first cousin violated me in the back room of the family trailer while watching momma admit on Jerry Springer that she's pregnant with my boyfriend's kid.

I would like a unicorn, 'cause they are way cool. A comfy sweatshirt with a unicorn on it would also be ok.

I would like people to not interact with me until about noon, every day. Why are afternoon/evening people so misunderstood?

I love my cat.

That is all.

Love,
Stephanie

Another "Halloween" post? Not bloody likely!

Yep, it's that time of year again when everywhere I look there are articles about where to get the best Halloween costumes and which ones are "in vogue" this year. Well, I for one, do not like Halloween. Sure, as a kid, I enjoyed it immensely but as an adult, I loathe the day. 

I don't know why, I really can't recall when I became so dispassionate about this celebration but I don't like it. It rubs me the wrong way, unlike my vibrator. But I digress.

What excites me about Halloween is that when it's over, it's November 1st. Less than two months until Christmas. Only one month until I officially start playing my holiday music non-stop in the weeks leading up to Christmas. I only allow myself to start that on December 1st. Because I'm normal, if only marginally.

I'm a Christmas ho, yes I am. I think I actually enjoy the weeks leading up to Christmas more than the actual day. December 25 is kind of a let down. Anticipation eclipses the actual event. But the month of December for me is equal to smoking crack every day (not that I would know, but I'm guessing). I can't get enough of it.

The twinkly lights, the Christmas trees and garlands, the special Starbucks holiday lattés, the music. For a few weeks, it feels like I'm on a Disney acid trip. And who couldn't use THAT once a year? 

For me, Halloween is a rite of passage, to the rabid consumption, overeating and general drunkenness of the holiday season.