Is Gwyneth an elitist bitch?

Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow was recently accused of elitism, and her newletter Goop, of catering to a privileged few who can spend a 1000 bucks on a pair of shoes or hours preparing a dairy/gluten/meat/sugar/anything good-free meal.

I've been a Goop subscriber for a couple years now (not sure why I signed up in the first place, boredom maybe?) and the accusations are somewhat substantiated. I mean, she ain't selling to Joe Blow middle class or even upper-middle class. To buy into the life she presents in Goop, you need to be wealthy. Not just comfortable, rich.

Gwyneth was recently quoted as saying she can't act like she makes $25,000 a year when that's just not the case. Good point. So I guess you kinda know what you're getting if you sign up for her newsletter: a look into the life of a glamorous movie star. No, not a lot of people live this way. Should she be criticized for being elitist? I don't know that she's ever stated who, exactly, she's targeting with her newsletter so, maybe not.

She's a rich, white girl who grew up in a highly privileged environment. Should we hold that against her? I mean, if we were her, wouldn't we pretty much do the same thing? We seem to have something against wealth. Gwyneth was criticized as being "out of touch". With who? The majority of the population? Then yes, that's true. Does she have to be plugged into the common man and affordable pants? No.

Truth is, if we, the common folk, are looking for advice on anything from what to cook for dinner to the latest Spring trends, we should realize that we won't be getting any useful information from a rich movie actress. Is she somewhat disdainful? Overly-obsessed with healthy eating? Probably. But maybe we would be too if we had to make a living in front of a movie camera with exacting demands on the female form, and were able to afford to eat organic-only.

But most of us aren't of that class. When we're tired and hungry, we go to McDonald's. We buy clothes at Costco 'cause they're cheap, yet well-made, and somewhat stylish.

Do I get irritated when movie actresses self-righteously tell us we should be eating a healthier diet, or "cleanse" seasonally, or buy ridiculously expensive products? Nah. I mean, she's gotta stress about having a perfect ass before starting to shoot the next Ironman while I gorge myself on ice cream without a care in the world.

Bag of rusty nails > Paris Hilton

Funniest headline ever: "Paris Hilton Blames Network for Bad Ratings", found on Popeater. 

I can think of a few reasons why a show featuring Paris Hilton wouldn't get good ratings...

Paris is famous for being famous. And she garnered her fame after (surprise!) a sex tape of her and an old boyfriend mysteriously appeared on the Internet. 

Let's face facts here, Ms. Hilton, shall we? You're a talentless twat. You got famous because you got naked in front of a camera. 

I saw you on Piers Morgan the other night with your mommy, bemoaning the fact that there's a sex tape out there with you in it, and how your life will never be the same and how one day your grandchildren will see this tape because it's all over the Internet, and OMG, the shame! The shame! (Publicity stunt for your failing show perhaps? Hmm?)

You claim you were "betrayed" by your former boyfriend and that the tape got out without your consent? Honey, as soon as you decide to do anything ON TAPE, including things you wouldn't ever want your grandchildren to see, there's a strong possibility that, at some point in the future, someone other than you or your ex-boyfriend will see it, unless it's promptly destroyed. 

I get it. You're a has-been. Yesterday's news. So, like, two years ago. And now you're getting desperate, for attention, that is.

Newsflash sweetheart: No one cares who you're dating, what parties you're hosting or what kind of mindless drivel some hapless TV network let you produce. You suck, and now it's catching up with you. You're some made-up barbie who sounds like a complete moron every time you speak. You're an embarrassment to women in general. You represent all that is superficial and lame. 

And now your time in the spotlight is running out and you want to blame someone else? Well tough shit princess. We're sick of you and your dull debutante culture. If you have any shred of intelligence, now would be the time to showcase it 'cause pretty has taken you as far as it can.

Musings of the uninspired

Today, my dearest Sassies, is a blank screen kind of day. Inspiration is eluding me. It's an anti-gossip kind of day, where I'm finding articles such as this one - Brad and Angelina successfully sued a British publication for falsely claiming they were breaking up. So, they're very much together. See: anti-gossip. What am I supposed to do with that? 

I still think Angelina's a home wrecking slunt but I care much less now that Jennifer Aniston has reduced herself to a pathetic, desperate ex-wife, subjecting us to a plethora of shitty rom-coms in which she plays the exact same character. Nope, no more sympathy for you Jen. You can flash your fantastic abs all you want, I still know you're sad and lonely. It's nothing to be ashamed of, just stop pretending you feel all "zen" and content with your life. What you resist persists. 

Then I see a commercial for Angelina's newest film Salt. It looks pretty much like every other "falsely accused spy" movie ever made. Except the lead character is a woman instead of a man. Do movie executives automatically assume the vast majority of the population has been lobotomized? 

I mean, I know there are a lot of stupid people out there, and they probably outnumber the smart ones, but still. Have you no imagination? It's the equivalent to someone eating a good meal and puking it up in my mouth. It was good the first time around, not so much the second, or third or 50th.  

I get that Angelina's hot and most men (and some women) want to see her shooting guns and peeling off her clothes and... zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry! Must have drifted off there. Didn't she do that in Gone in 60 seconds and the Tomb Raider films and Taking Lives and Wanted and Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Just sayin'.

Various titillating tidbits

Ricky Martin is gay. Wow. Can we all agree this is not news and that we've known this, like, forever? Good. Moving on...

How's this for an article title: Mischa Barton vomits at bar. Why is Mischa Barton even mentioned anymore? She is so three years ago. Her OC fame is long past its due date. What has she done since that merits any kind of attention? 

Well, puking at a bar. I guess that'll get a washed-up has-been back in the news. This is when you know they're desperate, grasping at straws, willing to do anything to be back in the spotlight. 

I've seen a couple episodes of the OC. Mischa can't act fo' shit. It's bad, like, really bad. Cringe-worthy. Ms. Barton must consider a career change. Otherwise, her public puking will have to continue. It's not like her talent, or lack thereof, will maintain her tenuous celebrity status. 

 Come on cabbie! I just puked on the sidewalk.

Apparently, Jesse James has entered rehab. Déjà vu, anyone? This sounds vaguely familiar, except without a mysterious car crash. What the f*ck is going on? You cheat, therefore you must be a sex addict? There's no other explanation? 

We really need to snap out of our victimology, where every despicable action can be justified by some "disorder". I call bullshit. You're a lyin', cheatin' bastard Jesse James. Period.

 You a dirty skank, yes you is.

Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of the May issue of the UK Harper's Bazaar, which goes on sale this week. She discusses her "rebirth" five years after her split from Brad Pitt. 

If I have to hear about her f*cking "rebirth" post-Brad one more time, I may have to wield some sharp, heavy object into a cut-out of Jen's face. She's been "re-birthing" for the past five f*cking years! What else is there to say about this? She and Brad broke up. Boo-hoo. She picked up the pieces. Yé! Now can we move on with our lives? Geez....

Jen says of her rebirth: "I love trying new things. I can't just be put in a box." That's funny because she keeps crawling into the same box of lame-ass rom-coms. And they only seem to be getting worse. 

Every time I turn around these days, there's a picture of her and Gerard Butler pimping their insufferable drivel The Bounty Hunter. Jen's overexposed and undertalented. She peaked during Friends and it's been downhill from there. Time for Jen to make a good movie or go away. 

I am so NOT trying to be like Angelina Jolie. Like, so not.

Woes of the Wayward Woman

Let's face it, we're all waiting, waiting for bad things to happen to celebrities, so we can read about it, revel in it, soak ourselves in self-righteousness. "Serves them right. Who do they think they are, living above the rules we all have to follow." It's how we sublimate our envy. 

There are rare exceptions to this, when something truly tragic happens, and we actually feel bad, especially when it happens to celebrities who are known mostly for their great work and seem like really decent human beings.

On the other hand, when bad things happen to people who are famous for their tacky blond hair, big fake boobs, crusty crotch skankiness and lack of intellect, we feel the smile etching itself onto our face, the sense of sheer elation filling our hearts with gladness. 

Pamela Anderson is in debt, mucho debt. Apparently, the California tax board and numerous creditors are pursuing her. Her beachside Malibu home was renovated but she hasn't paid her labour, or her taxes.

Poor Pamela. Poor, poor Pamela. Drowning in debt. Pam, my fellow Canadian, despite the fact that you continue to bring shame to our country by elevating vacuousness to new heights, here are a few ideas to help you turn your life around:

1 -  stop getting boob enlargements

2 -  stop getting boob reductions after boob enlargements

3 -  stop getting boob enlargements after boob reductions 

4 -  learn a trade because you can't act 

5 -  stop dyeing your hair blonde - embrace your natural brunette

6 -  start charging people to watch sex videos of you and Tommy Lee - you may as well make money at what you do best 

7 -  offer your services to the NRA - they probably pay better than PETA

Even though I delight in your misfortunes, I try to help. It's just the kind of person I am.