Rainbows and unicorns are overrated

2013, so far, has a really good feel to it, a seriously positive vibe. I sense big things will happen this year. For me. I mean, I hadn't really thought about anyone else.

Narcissistic much? you might say. Yeah. I take photos of myself now. Then post them on Instagram. And Facebook. I won't post them here, though. Well, ok, maybe just this one...

Just starin' at my reflection y'all

 

As a playwright, I'm mainly concerned with myself and getting my shows produced so throngs of people can adore me and tell me how talented I am. As an artist, cultivating self-love feels like a waste of time. If I'm not torturing myself with constant self-criticism, what will I write about?

 

If life is all happy and shit, I'm fucked. What would there be to say? Hey, life is wonderful. The end. I think artists are born with a predisposition to bad luck (i.e. fucked up childhood) or, if you had a perfectly normal, uneventful childhood, an unusually overdeveloped sense of self-loathing.

You must keep yourself apart from life, apart from the crowd, so you can mock it, even though you secretly want to be a part of it, and think there's something intrinsically wrong with you because you're an outsider, even though being an outsider gives you a false sense of uniqueness which you consider a sign that you were meant to be a great artist, an artist like no other that ever existed in the whole history of humankind.

The irony is that every creative person, on some level, thinks this way. So you've got a shitload of people thinking they're the greatest thing since sliced bread. Hence, the clash of egos. Not that this doesn't happen in other professions, but it feels especially true for the performing arts.

So, you've got a whole swath of the general population caught in the grips of crippling insecurity, wanting to be noticed, to be "heard", to express their "vision" with the ultimate goal of public adoration, of validation outside the self, of their very existence.

Some artists know from the start that this is their lot in life and embrace it. Others, like me, know early on, are terrified, try to deny it and "fit in" with mainstream society and all its expectations, fail, are miserable, get treated for depression and other anxiety-based conditions, realize they've abandoned themselves, have an "A-ha!" moment, and decide to come back to what they love and make a go of it.

Then comes the rejection. Ah yes, the instances of repeated rejection. Not just once, but many, many times, which seems to go against every fiber of the artist's being. Where is the idolatry and the free swag?

Now, I could say what happens after this, if one truly believes in oneself and stays the course, but it sounds so corny, like something out of an after school special, that I just can't do it.

Suffice it to say, good shit happens.

Of course, once you've reached the pinnacle of success, you must be thrown into the cycle of suffering once again. Otherwise, where will your next masterpiece come from? It's not like you can write about rainbows and unicorns.

Bag of rusty nails > Paris Hilton

Funniest headline ever: "Paris Hilton Blames Network for Bad Ratings", found on Popeater. 

I can think of a few reasons why a show featuring Paris Hilton wouldn't get good ratings...

Paris is famous for being famous. And she garnered her fame after (surprise!) a sex tape of her and an old boyfriend mysteriously appeared on the Internet. 

Let's face facts here, Ms. Hilton, shall we? You're a talentless twat. You got famous because you got naked in front of a camera. 

I saw you on Piers Morgan the other night with your mommy, bemoaning the fact that there's a sex tape out there with you in it, and how your life will never be the same and how one day your grandchildren will see this tape because it's all over the Internet, and OMG, the shame! The shame! (Publicity stunt for your failing show perhaps? Hmm?)

You claim you were "betrayed" by your former boyfriend and that the tape got out without your consent? Honey, as soon as you decide to do anything ON TAPE, including things you wouldn't ever want your grandchildren to see, there's a strong possibility that, at some point in the future, someone other than you or your ex-boyfriend will see it, unless it's promptly destroyed. 

I get it. You're a has-been. Yesterday's news. So, like, two years ago. And now you're getting desperate, for attention, that is.

Newsflash sweetheart: No one cares who you're dating, what parties you're hosting or what kind of mindless drivel some hapless TV network let you produce. You suck, and now it's catching up with you. You're some made-up barbie who sounds like a complete moron every time you speak. You're an embarrassment to women in general. You represent all that is superficial and lame. 

And now your time in the spotlight is running out and you want to blame someone else? Well tough shit princess. We're sick of you and your dull debutante culture. If you have any shred of intelligence, now would be the time to showcase it 'cause pretty has taken you as far as it can.

Fame whores strike again

Last week, while in the Dominican Republic, I watched a lot of CNN's Showbiz Tonight. I was appalled at the amount of airtime taken up by none other than Kate Gosselin. Is she really a celebrity? Is she an absentee mother? Blah, blah, blah... I mean, really. She totally blew it - again - on Dancing with the Stars this week. You fans out there, you have the power to remove this woman from the show. Exercise your right to do so!

There was a big debate as to whether Kate was a courageous single mom trying to provide for her kids or a narcissistic fame whore. I'm leaning towards the latter. Yes, she's making way more money being on a shit reality TV show than she would nursing, which is what she used to do. I get that. 

But this whiny-ass woman does not belong in celeb land. So she's a domineering mother of eight. This is a legitimate claim to fame? Watching her on television is about as much fun as listening to fingernails against a blackboard. It's cringe-inducing. I don't give a shit that she's a single mom of a small sports team - that's her problem.

 Kate's famous for subjecting herself to this. The fact that she survived is the only thing differentiating her from a Darwin award winner.

In other maddening celeb news, Jessica Alba will be a member of the judging panel for the Tribeca Film Festival. To which I say: Huh? Other judges include Brooke Shields, Alicia Keys, America Ferrera, Zach Braff, Aaron Eckhart, Justin Bartha, Selma Blair, Peter Facinelli, Cheryl Hines and Whoopi Goldberg. 

Notice how one is not like the others? The others, in this case, are talented performers. Jessica Alba is woefully inadequate as an actor. I mean, let's get real. This girl gets by on physical assets alone. It's an insult to this film festival that she's actually a judge. Who did she blow for this gig?

I am SO a talented actress!

Kate cannot dance, Heidi cannot hug and Gwyneth cannot forgive

Picture this: It's April 2, in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada and my step-daughter and I are out on our deck in shorts and bikini tops, tanning. Do you see what's wrong with this picture? April 2. Canada. The average temperature at this time of year is like, 7 degrees Celcius. That's 44 degrees Fahrenheit. It was around 30 Celcius on April 2 and 3, 2010. That's 86 degrees Fahrenheit. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, we ain't complainin'. It was fabulous, albeit strange. An Easter gift from the Gods. We must have done something right lately. Although I don't know how that's possible with Stephen Harper as Prime Minister. In some circles, we call him "Baby Bush" (just to give you an idea of what we're dealing with.) Our Obama hasn't yet arrived. But that's a matter for another time. We've got more important things to examine.

Such as this. Sometimes I want to give up on humanity. Why is this woman still on the show!!!

Then I come across this little tidbit. Apparently, due to the gynormous size of her new fake boobs, Heidi Montag can no longer go jogging, and because her body is so "fragile" now, following her numerous plastic surgeries, she shies away from hugging people. Someone who voluntarily has her body hacked up in her early twenties doesn't deserve hugs. 

 From real person to plastic Barbie. You suck.

And last but not least, Gwyneth Paltrow admits in the new issue of British Vogue that she has revenge fantasies and can be mean.You don't say. This does not surprise me. I get her Goop newsletter via e-mail once a week. On the odd occasion, the subject matter is actually enlightening. But mostly, it's Gwyneth reminding us commoners how we don't live like movie stars. 

She shares her picks of hotels and restaurants in major cities across the globe, health tips and recipes, among other things. But it's coated in a "don't you wish you could live like this" kind of tone. Like she's pretending she has things in common with the rest of us. Please. And she name drops. A lot. Bitch. 

But... kudos to Gwyneth for admitting she can get her hate on when one of her bitches pisses her off. That takes balls. Admitting you're not perfect, when seemingly, you lead a perfect life that everyone wants and you know it. Sometimes Gwyneth, she surprises me. However, I'm still bitter about her Oscar win for Shakespeare in Love. She didn't deserve it, not that year, with that competition. But I digress.

Sometimes, I hate people.

Yep, still bitter.

Jake revealed as fame whore, Kate being, well, Kate and Pamela impresses

My opinion of Jake Pavelka has plummeted. He's hired PR firm Rogers & Cowan to represent him because (surprise, surprise) he wants to become an actor. WTF?

I thought Jake was a pilot? Apparently, one of his roomies on The Bachelorette claimed Jake was only there to try and become the next Bachelor. And an ex-girlfriend claims he's fame-obsessed. Guess she's right. 

Now I'm glad Jake didn't pick Tenley. She's too good for him. He kept Vienna on the show for ratings and probably "chose" her to stay in the spotlight. God, it's so obvious now. Ick. I thought it was strange that he would sign on for Dancing With the Stars so soon after The Bachelor. I mean, didn't he want to spend some quality time getting to know his fiancée? 

Apparently, Jakey has other plans. Plans to become a famous actor. I fart in his general direction. That's how I feel about him now. 

 You lie, Jake, you lie. This hurts me.

Then there's Kate Gosselin, fighting with her Dancing With the Stars partner, Tony Dovolani who walked out on her during rehearsal. Kate, a whiny, selfish bitch? I cannot possibly imagine... She's been on this show one week too long. 

 Oh Tony. Did you murder someone in a past life? It's the only way to explain why you must endure this.

On the other hand, I was strangely impressed with Pamela Anderson. It hurts to even admit that. Who knew she could dance? She looks good, she moves well and she's in character. Kudos to you, Pam. For a fleeting moment, I forgot about your crusty-crotch skankiness. 

God, I'm watching Dancing With the Stars. I knew it would all be downhill after The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. I dare not think to what depths I will sink to next...

Kate Gosselin's karmic kick-back

O.M.G. This is actually painful to watch, it's so bad. And yet, I relished every minute of it. When fame whoring douchebags are called on their shit, it is so sweet. Time to go back home to your kids Kate and play mommy. Today is a good day.

Heidi Montag's staggering stupidity

Just when I think Heidi Montag can't sink any lower or get any dumber, she surprises me. I came across this gem on People.com. Canning your husband, I can understand. He seems like a total douche. But hiring a psychic in his place? Really? 

What kind of career-managing skills does a psychic have? I guess the one advantage, being a psychic and all, will be that Heidi's new manager can tell her now that she will fail in showbiz due to lack of talent, and Heidi can pursue some other line of work, and stop subjecting us to her idiocy.

Heidi claims she's "cleared all the negative energy in her life". I beg to differ. If she ditches the husband completely, then I might believe her. She also claims she's had "incredible experiences healing her life". You mean healing from being voluntarily hacked up and spit out as a generic Barbie-figure?

This girl, she makes no sense. On one hand, she's clearing her life of negativity, with a psychic who will help her manage her career "with light and love". On the other hand, Heidi underwent 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day to basically look like someone else. Was that meant to clear her negative perceptions about herself?

I don't buy it. Heidi couldn't move her face a couple months ago, and claims she "almost died" from plastic surgery. Now she's all New Age-y, healing her life? Heal from the inside out, Heidi. Changing the outside doesn't erase self-doubt and fear of inadequacy. However, getting rid of your fame whoring douchey husband might help. 

I don't know about you but I think the "before" looks way better than the "after".

Singer/actress or talentless fame whore?

As if it wasn't bad enough that they resurrected Melrose Place, the TV powers-that-be actually hired Ashlee Simpson-Wentz for a 12-episode stint. She has consequently been fired for lack of talent. In Touch calls it "the beginning of the end of her career." What career, pray tell, would you be referring to? Who is this Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, and why should I care? Oh, you mean the one who's only claim to fame is that Jessica Simpson is her sister? And the one who's lip-syncing disaster on SNL exposed her for the talentless fraud that she is? And the one who named her kid Mowgli?

Who is this useless twat, and why is she taking up space in ANY celeb mag? That she would actually want to associate herself with the Jessica Simpson legacy is an indication of this girl's intelligence. She's done absolutely nothing that's been even remotely close to noteworthy. She's a terrible actress. Her latest album Bittersweet World apparently sucked ass.

You'd think there would be some effort required to become famous, some talent or extraordinary skill needed. Evidently, this is not the case. It seems there are more and more of these faux celebrities, and less and less real ones filling the pages of gossip rags and websites. There should be some kind of minimum requirement to make it into the collective consciousness. That way, we could mitigate the amount of useless garbage filling up our psyches. Sure, we could still talk trash about those "famous" people, but at least they would have earned their spot in our musings.

I think Tom Cruise is a little deranged. Ok, maybe a lot. However, I cannot deny that Tom is a movie star, and can therefore tolerate his presence in my immediate media surroundings.  I also LOVED his performances in Jerry Maguire and Tropic Thunder. Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, on the other hand, needs to be flushed out with all the other fame whore turds clogging up our limited attention spans.

Two fame whores do not make a right

People.com didn't make me want to gag today, but it was a close call. Case in point: an article titled Levi Johnston calls Jon Gosselin a 'Good Guy'. Now there's a solid character reference. In case you're wondering who these people are and why we should care: Levi Johnston is Bristol Palin's baby daddy (Bristol Palin = Sarah Palin's daughter) and Jon Gosselin is the father of eight children from Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame. The two met in New York, I'm guessing under dubious circumstances. Apparently, Jon offered Levi some parenting advice. Ahem.

Johnston was quoted while attending the "sex-oriented Fleshbot Awards in New York City". Sometimes they just make it too easy... Oh people at People, you're so good at glossing over the obvious, at feigning complete ignorance of the harsh facts. 

Fact #1: Levi Johnston will be posing nude in Playgirl, and cites this as a source of income to support his child. He also doesn't plan on going to college. Instead, he will pursue modeling and acting. (Insert snide remark of your choice here.)

Fact #2: Jon Gosselin wasted no time hooking up with a 22-year-old, and hosting Vegas pool parties once his marriage was over. 

Fact #3: Both these men are shameless fame whores, prostitutes, if you will. Levi will be gladly displaying his family jewels for all to see, and Jon basically sold his family to TLC. 

Fact #4: These are not people who should be dishing out parenting advice. 

Fact #5: These are not people who should be taking up space on celebrity gossip websites. 

They are not celebrities. They are fame whores. There is a difference.

Careless Confessions

It's tough being a writer. Exhilarating at times, yes, but in general, writing great works of art takes time, talent, discipline and perseverance. Unless you're a celebrity. Especially a celebrity with a f*cked up past. In this case, all it takes to be a successful "author" is your desire to regurgitate your awkward private moments, drug addictions and personal failings onto the blank page. Of course these are big sellers. They're the hardcover version of the celebrity gossip magazine. Everyone loves it when the rich and famous suffer, and we allow them to get even richer by buying their crappy, tell-all books. 

Jodie Sweetin, of Full House fame, has written a memoir titled UnSweetined (insert sigh here) in which she describes her crystal meth addiction, blah, blah, blah, and Mackenzie Phillips enraptures us with tales of incest involving her and her late father, John Phillips in her memoir High on Arrival. Is this what "literature" has come to? I admit, on occasion (does every day count as "on occasion"?), I delve into the cesspool of the lowest common denominator and relish in the brain candy that is celebrity gossip. However, I counterbalance this with reading actual works of literature or non-fiction books on relevant issues and people.   

I read Victor Hugo's Les Misérables, in its original French version. There were four volumes, and it took me four years to complete it. It is, to this day, the best book I have ever read. These are the types of books where you feel Divinity is palpable, the writing is so good. Real literature allows you to soar to new heights, plumbs the depths of what it means to be human, and what binds us together in this adventure we call life. And you learn fancy, new words that make you look really smart.

I fear true literature is slowly disappearing. We are no longer capable of investing ourselves in a complex novel. We no longer have the attention span to read something that challenges us with its sublime weaving of  language. If it's not a 30-second sound bite, we're not interested.

These Hollywood types are a far cry from what I would describe as "authors". It's easy to spit out what would otherwise be the contents of a personal journal. This does not require any skill. Publishing houses are just as guilty of proliferating this garbage as those who claim to be "writers". Sadly, the only reason they do get published is because they make money. People buy this crap.

Some will say that Jodie's story might help a drug addict or Mackenzie's a survivor of incest. Bullshit. Do you honestly think there's a shortage of books out there on addiction and incest? Please. We are a society reveling in our victimhood. Poor me. Poor f*cking me. I'm reminded here of a quote from The Secret regarding our "rough" pasts and how they might affect us now and in the future: "It's called: So what?" Love it. We need to get over ourselves. Go to therapy, do what you need to do to deal with your shit and move on. And for God's sake, spare us the details.

Patrick Pimping Product

So I'm watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy last night, which frankly, hasn't gotten much better since the season premiere, (click here for my comments) when I see the cheesiest ad for hair gel starring... wait for it... Patrick Dempsey.

Now, I think we can all agree that Patrick has great hair. But Patrick is a television A-lister, a prime-time hunk of McHotness. These types of TV ads, they're not for A-listers. They're reserved for the has-beens who are desperately looking to reclaim some kind of status, after having fallen off the pedestal of popularity, for those who end up on Dancing with the Stars, which should really be renamed Dancing with Z-listers. I mean come on, who are these people? Brad Pitt is a star. Angelina Jolie is a star. The people on this show should not even be mentioned in the same sentence as Brad or Angelina. But I digress.

Patrick, don't be greedy. You're a star. Leave these shitty commercials to the Lorenzo Lamases and the Harry Hamlins of the world. They need the money and the exposure. This type of prostitution can only hurt you and undermine your sex symbol, successful actor status. When people see ads like these, they think to themselves: "Oh now look at him, poor guy, he's so desperate for work he's in this cringe-inducing commercial for hair gel." Is that what you want Patrick? People's pity? Trust me, the paycheck is not worth the damage this will do to your reputation. The only time you should appear in a commercial like this is on Saturday Night Live.

Palin Peep Posing for Porn

As I was leafing through a local newspaper this morning waiting for my BLT sandwich, I came across this gem of a story: Father of Sarah Palin's grandson set to pose nude for Playgirl. Those crazy Christians, always up to something. Click here for the full story. My favorite part is that Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's baby daddy: "is an aspiring actor and most recently starred in a TV commercial for pistachio nuts." Of course the next logical step to developing your acting career would be to pose nude in Playgirl. Who calls their daughter Bristol anyway? It sounds like a brand name for a toilet brush. But I digress.

This should really boost sales of Sarah Palin's new memoir Going Rogue which is already a bestseller even before its release. That the memoir of a little-known, ex-Alaska governor, whose 18-year-old daughter is already a mother, whose sort-of son-in-law is poised to pose nude in a porny magazine, and whose intellectual capabilities are questionable at best, is outselling Ted Kennedy's True Compass kills me inside. KILLS ME. Ted was not a perfect man by any means, nor was the Kennedy clan. However, this man had an impact on US politics. This man had substance. This man was for real.

Are the Palins people we want to read about? Hypocritical, bible-thumping, baby-making, backwater douchebags? The very idea that Sarah Palin would be considered a viable candidate for the 2012 presidential race is laughable. Just thinking about it makes me want to retreat to my happy place.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian readers! The holiday weekend here means no new post on Monday - will return on Tuesday.

Welcome to Sassy Stylings!

Welcome to Sassy Stylings, what will soon be a collection of my witty observations on everything from celebrity culture, to the awesomeness that is HBO, to my personal tragedy of being dairy-intolerant (a life without dairy... it's like cake without the icing, Brad without Angelina, yoga without Lululemon, but I digress).

I'll be posting daily (except on the weekends - a girl's gotta have her downtime). Here's my first post, slightly dated (early September) but entertaining nonetheless. Yes, it was already written, I'm lazy, I know... but still relevant:

Eight is enough... or is it?

Reality-star/ fame whore/ budding fashion designer (WTF?) Jon Gosselin was in Las Vegas recently to host a party at the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino. According to People.com, “it wasn’t long before he was surrounded by women” and he “was spotted collecting a few phone numbers and mixing drinks for scantily dressed women”. 


I think I just threw up in my mouth. How f*cking DESPERATE are you for fame that you’ve become the groupie of a father of EIGHT children, who got divorced a minute ago. 

My sisters, you disappoint me. You bring shame to the sisterhood.

Is this the new standard? Some reality tv douchebag who’s decided to relive his youth because he feels he’s missed out on the fun stuff ? Because of, you know, the eight kids he had with his “controlling” ex-wife at such a tender, young age. 

Sure, he claims he’s still taking care of his kids, between the Vegas parties, and the trips to Europe and hanging out with his new BFF, designer Christian Audigier. Am I on crack? How does a suburban father turn into a fashion designer, seemingly overnight? WTF!

Jon Gosselin = Z-list celebrity who should be in therapy and NOT hosting vacuous, bikini-clad groupies at a Vegas pool party.

Ugh. I still taste vomit.