Looming TV Wasteland and Michelle Obama's Arms

No more Glee until April. That's just not right. Especially after having left us with multiple cliffhangers. Dexter and Californication are also nearing the end of their latest seasons. I'm beginning to feel a slight panic at what may be a desertification of the TV landscape, if only temporarily. 

I'll have to watch re-runs of Six Feet Under to console myself. And the fifth season of Lost. Of course, I may have to watch the first four all over again to remember what the hell happened. So good but so complicated... I also managed, in the last few weeks, to watch the entire first season of The United States of Tara. SO good. Toni Collette is sublime - LOVE her. Now I must wait for the second season - don't know when it's coming out. Boo.

Following Glee, my boyfriend and I watched Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 Special. Underwhelming, to say the least. This type of show should be two hours long instead of one. The interviews consisted of what felt like 30-second sound bites, and just as they were getting interesting, it was over and Barbara moved on to the next guest. Lame.

To add insult to injury, during her short interview with Michelle Obama, who was at the top of the list, Barbara wasted precious time asking her about her arms. Her ARMS for Christ's sake. You're talking to one of the most intelligent, fascinating first ladies in recent history, and you ask her about her freakin' workout regime? Is this how superficial we've become? Damn. 

Pumpkin Picking Pulchritudinous Over Perspicacious

It's the Twilight Zone of celeb gossip. Apparently, Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan, of Smashing Pumpkins fame, are now an item, as in a couple. Huh? This makes no sense to me. My brain cannot compute. Ditzy, dumbass, talent-lacking blond dating hard-core, probably intelligent, alt-rocker. No, this cannot be. Only in some strange, parallel universe would this even be possible.

Perhaps Billy is conducting some kind of social experiment, an anthropological study on the effects of dating fame whoring idiots. Maybe he needs new material from which to write angry songs. I refuse to believe that these two have anything remotely in common. And poor Jessica will have her heart broken, once again. First Nick, then John, then Tony, then Daisy. Oh Jessica, this will only lead to disaster. Date someone who is at least as vacuous as you are. Then you might actually have a chance at real happiness.

How on earth will Billy introduce Jessica to his alt-rock buds with a straight face? I mean, come on. This liaison has about as much chance of working out as Lindsay Lohan has of making a comeback. Billy, please don't give yourself over to the dark side, unless it's an undercover gig with a greater purpose. You're still a respected artist. Do you really want to be the next schmuck who is dating Jessica Simpson?

This is what you two would look like, if you were pumpkins. Guess which one is Jessica.

Tiger-mania broadens as list of mistresses grows

I can't stop thinking about it. It's been on the front page of the newspaper for days. I can't get away from it. And it's only growing bigger and badder. I want to blog about other stuff but this is in the forefront of my psyche and won't go away. Oprah once called him her SON for Christ's sake. I understand if you're getting bored with my Tiggy-mania and wish I would talk about something else. I will, eventually. But not today.

This morning's headlines indicated that Tiggy's brood of alleged mistresses has grown to ten women, one of them a porn star, and another who has publicly stated that Tiggy is very well endowed. His wife has apparently moved out of their home in Florida. His mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital with "stomach pains", i.e., the stress is getting to her.

A few days ago, this was a bit of a PR mess. This is now an all-out PR debacle - "What we have here is a failure to communicate." Tiggy, get your ass out of the woods (no pun intended). Face the music or this will not go away, at least not any time soon. There will be continuing speculation and public confessions from your alleged bevy of lady friends. 

This is getting ugly - very, very ugly. Where is your slick PR machine when you need it the most? Time to do some damage control or continue to watch your life spin out of control. And dammit, I'm tired of waking up every morning to a "new development" in the Tiger Woods scandal. You're starting to take up way too much space on the celeb gossip circuit. Don't become the next Jon and Kate Gosselin. You're better than that.

Tiggy's Mistress Loony Over Lascivious Behaviour

People at People, you make my life. Alleged Tiger Mistress Angry About His Other Women. Wow. You're sleeping with a married guy and you're pissed off that he was cheating with not only you but a few others as well? I know what you're all thinking my Sassies. How much of a dumbass can you be? 

Best quote ever: "She (Rachel Uchitel) started out for sport and then they clicked." Referring to her and Tiger Woods, of course. She started out for sport? SPORT? Well, I guess birds of a feather flock together. You know, she's an athlete, and her sport is men. Tiggy's an athlete, and his sport is golf. So they probably had a lot in common. 

I was reading up on Tiggy's situation over the weekend. It's not pretty. Tiggy's a bit of a slut. You know, all that pressure of being the richest athlete EVER. He needed to blow off some steam, get naked with some chicks, and frolick about. I mean, what is so wrong with that? 

I'll tell you what's wrong with that - if you're gonna f*ck around, why even bother getting married? Stay single. F*ck around all you want. Don't lie. Don't deceive. That's for cowards. Be a f*cking man. This mistress bullshit, Tiggy, it's beneath you.

I guess one interesting question comes out of this, and it's a great line I heard in the movie Funny People over the weekend, which lends itself perfectly to this situation: "It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to f*ck you." Good point. But what does it say about us when temptation comes knocking, and we instantly give in?

Pretty won't save you from cheatin' hearts

In my teens, I struggled with body image issues. I thought my nose was too big, my boobs weren't perky enough, and that I should be much skinnier, like the models in magazines. I thought being physically flawless = being loved. As I have often learned, this is not so. I've been reminded of this once more in the midst of this Tiger Woods debacle. His wife is stunning - a gorgeous Swedish former bikini model. And yet, he still strayed. 

I thought Jennifer Aniston was pretty close to physically perfect. Then Brad strayed too. 

Time and again it dawns on me - looks aren't everything. I mean, don't get me wrong. I know we are an incredibly vain society, and looks are a big chunk of the equation. But, evidently, they don't guarantee love or fidelity. Of course, these beautiful women may be totally crazy behind closed doors (I suspect Angelina has a touch of the crazy) which makes them intolerable to live with. Who knows. 

I'm reminded of a French film I once saw. I forget the title but it starred Gérard Dépardieu. He was married to a bombshell who was totally frigid, and having an affair with his very average looking secretary who happened to be an incredible lover because she was warm and uninhibited. The lesson here? Pretty wears off. Personality doesn't.

Apparently, Tiggy and his Swedish babe are holed up in their Orlando mansion undergoing intense couples' counseling. I guess being rich and pretty doesn't insulate you from the crappy stuff in life. If Jennifer Aniston can become "the lonely girl", anything is possible. 

It's kind of freeing really. We could learn a lesson from this and ease up on our vanity. I've found that people who simply embrace who they are, no matter what, are much more interesting, and naturally put everyone else at ease. Those who are incredibly beautiful usually tend to be incredibly vain, and are constantly worrying about how they look. Yawn. Can you imagine hanging out with someone like that? Think Mena Suvari in American Beauty.

Being perfect is a pain. Being imperfect is limitless.

Celebrity Dirt of Orgiastic Proportions

There is a veritable smorgasborg of celeb dirt out there today. Tiger's cheating, Mrs. Keaton's gay, and a new exposé on Brangelina is set to hit bookshelves by Christmas. Damn.

Let's start with the demise of Tiger Woods. Oh Tiggy. Why? Why did you have to go whoring about? I held you in such high esteem. You're a superb athlete and strike me as an all-around classy guy. I know nobody's perfect but still... It hurts Tiggy, it really does. And so soon after the Letterman scandal. You may as well come clean. Forget the thinly veiled confessions of adultery. Be direct. Fess up. Learn from Letterman. No one is talking about his indiscretions anymore. Why? Because there's no dirt left to uncover. Letterman made sure of that. Letterman is f*cking smart. Get his number. 

Meredith Baxter of 80's Family Ties fame is gay. She has officially come out of the closet. Well, slap my ass and call me Judy. I grew up watching Family Ties, and loved it. I guess that would explain her three failed marriages to men. Oh, Mrs. Keaton, I will always hold you dear to my TV-loving heart. Good on you for having found your authentic self. 

An exposé on Brangelina, of highly questionable credibility, will be out in time for Christmas. Apparently, Angelina is a total control freak, Brad is weak, and a break-up is imminent. Hmm... not sure if I buy it. These two strike me as incredibly smart and not averse to f*cking with the press. Sure, Ange strikes me as  less stable than Jennifer Aniston. But I sense Jennifer is incredibly vain, and that can be really annoying. And I'm guessing sex is better with crazy than with vain. Jen would always be worrying about her hair or something.

On a more tragic note, a former Miss Argentina died from complications after cosmetic buttocks surgery. She was 38 years old and a mother of twins. Sweet Jesus. This quote, from the Huffington Post article, really captures it all: "A woman who had everything lost her life to have a slightly firmer behind." Jennifer, pay attention. Extreme vanity can cause bodily harm resulting in death. Take heed.

Rihanna talks out of her ass and Barbara Walters disappoints

My dear Sassies, it is December 1st. The day I allow myself to whip out my collection of Christmas music and play it incessantly at my desk until the big 2-5. Yes, I am one of those people. I also have a collection of films I watch every year before Christmas: Love Actually, The Holiday, Sleepless in Seattle. Don't ask. Even I can't explain it. I think my family is still waiting for an explanation of the pink, fluffy star I bought for the top of the Christmas tree last year. This year, I'll be adding glitter glue to the star. It will be a Merry Christmas indeed. But I digress. Onto other, more pressing matters.

Oh people at People, how would I entertain myself without you? Today, I came across an article titled: Rihanna calls leak of naked pictures 'humiliating'. She claims the photos in question were taken for her boyfriend at the time, and followed that up with this gem: "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." Oh sweetie. Have you learned nothing? If you even have the remotest chance of becoming famous at some point, you don't EVER send naked pictures to ANYONE for ANY REASON. Of course they will end up on the Internet for public consumption. 

You must understand that as soon as you become famous, we will want to tear you down from that pedestal so we can feel better about ourselves or steal it from you. I know, it sounds so cruel. But facts are facts. Human nature is warped - it's a war of egos out there. Never forget that and you won't be "humiliated" again.

Speaking of humiliated, Barbara Walters should be for including Kate Gosselin in her "most fascinating people of 2009" list. Are you f*cking kidding me? Oh Barbara. I thought you, of all people, would have standards, and not pander to the lowest common denominator. Yes, Kate and her ex-hubby Jon have been on the covers of countless celeb mags over the past year but so have Brad and Angelina, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Could you not have chosen an actual celebrity instead of some fame whoring, control freak, suburban mom who sold out her family to a TV network? 

I've seen Kate Gosselin in interviews. She has nothing remotely "fascinating" to say. If anything, you start to feel sympathy for her equally fame whoring, yet less controlling, husband and her children. Watching paint peel is more interesting than listening to Kate. And what is with her hair? It's so distracting with its yuppie awfulness, I can't stand it.

Thank God Christmas is coming. It's my happy place, where the Kate Gosselins of the world can't get to me.