Miley Cyrus voted worst celebrity influence of 2009

This just confirms my initial suspicions and prediction of Miley Cyrus' future profession. Miley was voted the worst celebrity influence of 2009 in an online poll, ahead of Kanye West and Britney Spears. Damn, that makes you a bad, bad girl Miss Miley. Pole dancing at an awards show can really sink your reputation. You know what Miley's becoming? A slunt. What's a slunt, you ask? It's a combination of slut and, can you guess? If you can't, think about it for a minute. It'll hit you soon enough. This word comes from an episode of One Tree Hill. I f*cking love it. It just rolls off the tongue with such ease. Slunt. Say it a few times. You'll start to love it just as much as I do. And I bet you can think of at least one person you know who fits into this category.

Some say Miley is trying to shift from being a pukey, Disney-fied child star to an adult performer. Oh, she's becoming an adult performer all right. And her daddy, Billy Rae thinks it's great! Click here for more on that. Artistic expression my ass. Sex sells. The Cyrus family knows this. Have you seen photos of Miley's little sis in her Halloween costume? Click here. Disturbing? Yes. A la JonBenet Ramsay? Yes. I'm not saying Miley Junior will turn up dead but she has that eerie pre-pubescent beauty pageant thing going on. This can only lead to no good. 

Hopefully, Miley's star is starting to burn out and she will slowly disappear from our collective consciousness to some strip club in Vegas. This will be a gift to humanity, and to horny, drunken men.

Gloomy Goodbyes

It is a day filled with sadness. Even the sky is cloudy and gray. First, I find out that my totally awesome massage therapist is moving and will be leaving in the new year. Then, I find out Mia Michaels is leaving So You Think You Can Dance. She was like, my favorite choreographer. I'm sensing a theme. I usually like themes, but not in this case. I know, the only sure thing in life is change but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Here is a list of other departures and break-ups that shook my world:

1) Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorcing (Back then, I didn't understand. Now I do.)

2) William Petersen leaving CSI (I haven't watched the show in years but still... Oh Grissom, it won't be the same without you.)

3) Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (I kinda knew it was coming what with that whole Angelina business, but still unfortunate, especially since Jennifer is now the "lonely girl".)  

4) Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett (Ok, who am I kidding? Didn't we all see that one coming?)

5) Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford (How can you both be so perfect looking and want to break up?)

6) Alicia Goranson, who played Becky on Roseanne (Sarah Chalke tried her best, but really, if the original actor leaves the show, let the character die - don't revive it with a new actor, then bring the old one back, then bring the new one back again. Totally lame.)  

7) Shannen Doherty leaving the original 90210 (There ain't no bitch like Brenda Walsh.)

8) Rob Morrow leaving Northern Exposure (I loved this series but it should have ended there.) 

9) Micheal Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley (Oh wait, it was their marriage that shook my world, not their break-up.)

10) Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley (She was your Uptown Girl Billy, your Uptown Girl. Doesn't that count for anything?) 

Careless Confessions

It's tough being a writer. Exhilarating at times, yes, but in general, writing great works of art takes time, talent, discipline and perseverance. Unless you're a celebrity. Especially a celebrity with a f*cked up past. In this case, all it takes to be a successful "author" is your desire to regurgitate your awkward private moments, drug addictions and personal failings onto the blank page. Of course these are big sellers. They're the hardcover version of the celebrity gossip magazine. Everyone loves it when the rich and famous suffer, and we allow them to get even richer by buying their crappy, tell-all books. 

Jodie Sweetin, of Full House fame, has written a memoir titled UnSweetined (insert sigh here) in which she describes her crystal meth addiction, blah, blah, blah, and Mackenzie Phillips enraptures us with tales of incest involving her and her late father, John Phillips in her memoir High on Arrival. Is this what "literature" has come to? I admit, on occasion (does every day count as "on occasion"?), I delve into the cesspool of the lowest common denominator and relish in the brain candy that is celebrity gossip. However, I counterbalance this with reading actual works of literature or non-fiction books on relevant issues and people.   

I read Victor Hugo's Les Misérables, in its original French version. There were four volumes, and it took me four years to complete it. It is, to this day, the best book I have ever read. These are the types of books where you feel Divinity is palpable, the writing is so good. Real literature allows you to soar to new heights, plumbs the depths of what it means to be human, and what binds us together in this adventure we call life. And you learn fancy, new words that make you look really smart.

I fear true literature is slowly disappearing. We are no longer capable of investing ourselves in a complex novel. We no longer have the attention span to read something that challenges us with its sublime weaving of  language. If it's not a 30-second sound bite, we're not interested.

These Hollywood types are a far cry from what I would describe as "authors". It's easy to spit out what would otherwise be the contents of a personal journal. This does not require any skill. Publishing houses are just as guilty of proliferating this garbage as those who claim to be "writers". Sadly, the only reason they do get published is because they make money. People buy this crap.

Some will say that Jodie's story might help a drug addict or Mackenzie's a survivor of incest. Bullshit. Do you honestly think there's a shortage of books out there on addiction and incest? Please. We are a society reveling in our victimhood. Poor me. Poor f*cking me. I'm reminded here of a quote from The Secret regarding our "rough" pasts and how they might affect us now and in the future: "It's called: So what?" Love it. We need to get over ourselves. Go to therapy, do what you need to do to deal with your shit and move on. And for God's sake, spare us the details.

Scientology Stripped

Just when I thought it might be a slow news day, I find out that prominent filmmaker Paul Haggis has publicly denounced Scientology. Click here for more info. Do his claims surprise me? Not in the least. I've always had a sneaking suspicion that this "religion" was wacked, as is any organized religion for that matter. Any system of belief that forces you to sever ties with your family (Scientology), believe you're inherently flawed and must spend your life making amends (Catholicism), believe that only those of your religion are bound for heaven, and all others are evil (Islam) is never a good thing. If there were no organized religions, there would be far fewer wars, discrimination and mental health issues.

For some strange reason, Scientology has a hold on Hollywood and Paul Haggis' career may be affected by his "coming out". This really irritates me. A bunch of power-hungry, science fiction fetishists can actually hurt an incredibly talented filmmaker's career? There is all kinds of wrong in that statement. This situation really makes me get my hate on for Tom Cruise et al. No wonder Katie looks like she's had a lobotomy. How else could she tolerate him?

I grew up Catholic which means my every thought was laced with guilt and shame. My first play was about the Catholic church and its views on women and celibacy. I should thank them for the inspiration - it was a successful production. Let's face it, any time you have the Catholic church, sex and violence in the same story, it's guaranteed to elicit some interest.

Paul Haggis, you are one courageous motherf*cker. If it's any encouragement, I received some criticism from ill-informed religious zealots on my production, which they based on a review in a local newspaper and not on the production itself - they didn't bother to go see it (cowards). However, for every nay-sayer, there were at least 10 people who were incredibly supportive and agreed that the Catholic church's policies were harmful and woefully outdated. Don't despair, there are sane people out there...

I can't wait to see how Tom Cruise glosses this one over. Now don't be glib Tom.

Trash and Tequila

I've been traveling lately, and that means I've had plenty of time to read smutty celeb mags which is what I do to kill time in planes, trains but not automobiles 'cause I get motion sickness. I was perusing an issue of People magazine, which isn't as repulsive as its online version for some reason... Anyway, I found two noteworthy tidbits I thought I'd mention: 1) A very witty one-liner: "It's sad when good trash goes bad." and 2) an ad for Hornitos Tequila.

1) "It's sad when good trash goes bad.": a rare display of sharp wit in a celeb rag. It caught my attention and got me reading an article on Gossip Girl which I usually would have skipped since I don't watch the show. Now that is good writing - getting a reader to take interest in an article they would have otherwise ignored. 

Kudos for the snippy saying. Of course, I'm going to steal it and claim it as my own. Don't worry people at People, I will not charge others to use it and therefore will not reap any monetary profits. It will be used solely for my personal aggrandizement. Narcissistic, you say? Duh. I'm a playwright and blogger. I write for audiences. I write to be read, loved and adored. The only reason I have a Facebook page is to make other people envious of me and my fabulous life. Is that wrong?

2) Hornitos Tequila: Now tell me that isn't the greatest name EVER for tequila. Translates easily to "Horny Toes", and here's the tag line: "The taste of Mischieve." I don't even care that "Mischieve" is misspelled. Oh wait. Maybe it's Spanish for mischief. Must check. This ad made me look twice. Actually, it stopped me dead in my tracks. For a moment, I thought it had to be a joke, an ad a la Saturday Night Live, but no, it was for real. Kudos to the company who gave their product such an unforgettable, and in this case, appropriate name. I don't drink tequila but if I see this product in the liquor store, I'm buying it, if only to be able to offer my guests a shot of Horny Toes.

Celebrities - they're just like us!

I love this section of In Touch magazine for its utter ridiculousness. There's always a two-page photo spread devoted to demonstrating to us, the common folk, how celebrities are "just like us" or "showing their real side". Wow, they pick up a pizza! Holy shit, they eat fried food and pump their own gas! OMFG!

This kills me. That I'm avidly perusing a bottom-feeding rag like In Touch is disturbing enough but to find out that celebrities are "just like us"? How can it be? Only in some strange, parallel universe would a celebrity act like a regular Joe. I mean, come on. If you could spend indiscriminately on totally frivolous crap; get a table at a trendy restaurant without a reservation when there's a waiting list; have a personal stylist, publicist, trainer, chef; have free designer clothes sent to you; live in a mansion; walk a red carpet into every party you attend, and basically forget that there is a whole race of human beings beneath you who can only dream of these things, why on earth would you abase yourself and roll in the mud with those miscreants?

Run your own errands? Pump your own gas? Damn, you're a celebrity rebel! If In Touch was smart, they'd change this section to "Celebrities - they're not like you and this is what they get away with", which would be much more interesting. It could include photos of celebs snorting coke or smoking a crack pipe (oh wait, that's been done - I think Kate Moss has recovered nicely), or flashing their naked girly parts when getting out of a car due to lack of underwear (oh wait, that's been done too - Britney seems to be on the mend as well), or having some kinky threesome (oh wait, that one's on the Web - oh McSteamy, you bad, bad boy). Hey, I never said I was ahead of the curb, or that my ideas were cutting edge. But I digress.

This is just another great example of the sheer retardedness of the celebrity/gossip magazine. I actually feel dumber after I've read this type of fare. Of course, this won't prevent me from continuing to read trashy mags. It's part of my lifestyle, and makes me feel good about myself. Hey, maybe celebrity mags should be marketed as self-esteem boosters. Who doesn't feel good when some celeb is exposed for acting like a total dumbass or wearing hideous clothes? This is what insecure teenage girls should be reading instead of fashion magazines. Now that is a cutting edge idea.

Katie's fashion guru? Her daughter.

On the best of days, People.com irritates me with its cutesy, glossed-over reporting of celebrity happenings. On bad days, it makes me want to gag. Today is a bad day. One of the articles appearing today is titled: Katie Holmes has a new fashion guru - Suri! Has anyone actually noticed Katie Holmes' fashion choices over the last few months?  Highly questionable. Rolled up jeans and big, bulky sweaters; some cream-colored pantsuit that was simply horrid, etc... Hopefully Suri has a better fashion sense than her mother.

Katie dresses like someone who is at least twenty years older than her. Does Suri approve of this? Of course, Katie probably doesn't wear anything Tom tells her not to wear. Back in the day, she looked her age. Sweet, young, vibrant. But let's face it, ever since she hooked up with Mr. Scientology, she's been in a downward spiral. She chopped off her hair and dresses like ass. All she can talk about is how "wonderful" her life is, how "wonderful" Tom is, how "wonderful" it is to be a mother. What the f*ck? Did those Scientologists suck out your brain too, along with your free will?

I'm not a fan of Katie Holmes. She should really consider a career other than acting because she sucks at it. She has no charisma, no presence. I look at her on-screen and all I see is empty space. I've seen her in a few movies, and she's royally sucked ass in every one of them. Note to Katie: marrying Tom Cruise will not miraculously bestow acting skills upon you. It will however make you a slave to a wacked out cult based on science fiction.

And that song and dance number on So You Think You Can Dance? Are you f*cking kidding me? The hype about her appearance on that show went on for weeks and for what? Suri could have done a better job. I was actually embarrassed for her, it was so bad.

Yet again, we must deal with the over-exposed, under-talented actress (I use the term "actress" loosely here). Why should we even care about Katie Holmes? My doormat is more interesting than her. I'm guessing it's because Tom Cruise tells us we should be fascinated by his little wifey. Because he wouldn't marry some talentless bimbette. Please. Tom couldn't handle being married to someone who is his equal, or God forbid, a little higher up on the food chain. Remember his gorgeous, talented, Oscar-winning ex-wife Nicole and ex-girlfriend Penelope? I rest my case.

As for Katie, maybe she should get into scrapbooking or something, and really settle into her role as Scientology slave and suburban housewife. She could give a whole new meaning to Desperate Housewives.