She lives no longer...

It seems my beloved feline companion, Phoebe, ran out of lives. She never completely recovered from that respiratory infection / chronic kidney failure combo she had a couple weeks ago so we decided to put her down last Friday. She could no longer jump up on furniture or chase a fly, her quality of life had plummeted. She was a walking corpse.

However, her mental acuity never waned, not for a moment, and that's what made this decision so difficult. Mentally, she was still all there but her body just couldn't keep up. And I couldn't watch my once feisty, active cat wither away and watch life instead of participating in it. 

Not gonna lie, it was f*cking sad. The worse part is that I knew it was coming. When we put Phoebe's brother down a couple years ago, it was the same day we made the decision. He was in a very bad way and I felt we needed to act immediately. I could not watch my little cuddle bunny suffer any longer. However, with Phoebe, she didn't seem to be in any great physical agony, despite being very weak and emaciated due to her kidney condition. 

So we scheduled her appointment, and had to wait two days since that's when our vet would next be in. It was perhaps the longest, most agonizing two days ever. But it did give me the time to cuddle with Phoebe one last time, brush her and make sure she had a yummy meal before we took her in. Our vet was amazing and the staff at the clinic very sensitive to our situation. Considering the sad nature of the event, it couldn't have gone any better.

My boyfriend and I stayed with her to the very end. As with her brother, I had this strange feeling that, on some level, Phoebe knew what was going to happen, and was ok with it. She looked at me one last time, without a trace of panic or fear, as if to say it was ok, she understood. Then, within a matter of seconds, she was gone.

We decided to donate Phoebe's things to our local SPCA since we don't plan on having more pets for a few years. That visit was very heartening. We returned twice since we had forgotten some things the first time around, and on our second visit, some of Phoebe's toys were already out for the shelter's cats to play with.

I also noticed how these cats were brimming with energy and vitality, and when I picked up one especially enthusiastic young cat and lovingly held her, I was astounded by her energy, weight and healthy plumpness. It was then that I truly realized how sick my cat had been and that we had made the right decision.

It's still strange to come home to a pet-free house. It's quiet and very clean. I suspect we'll have more cats in the future but for now, I'll let myself heal from this loss. It's astounding how quickly those little furry creatures get under your skin and into your heart.

Goodbye my sweet little girl cat.