Tree bark and Spam addiction

What's up with Christians and their trees?

Johnny, he's the bad seed. The one in the black jeans, crossing his ankles, straddling that tree like nobody's business. He was a late bloomer. He's smiling through the bitterness of having a masturbation session interrupted for this photo shoot. 

He wonders if staring at the Jesus poster on his ceiling is wrong when pleasuring himself. He'd take it down if it weren't for the hidden poster of Richard Nixon underneath. He associates the image of Nixon with Deep Throat. This equally pleases and disturbs him. 

Mom's smiling a little too enthusiastically. She's sitting on an unusually protuberant piece of bark that's rubbing her just the right way. It reminds her of her college roommate Mindy, who she still thinks of fondly, even though she was a slutty Mormon. 

It was mom's idea to have this photo taken on a tree branch. She's not sure why she was so attracted to the idea of having something between her legs and decided to recite ten Hail Marys once the shoot was done. 

This would look totally innocent... if it weren't for the whip cream.

 

Angus is the youngest of his brothers, a long line of strapping Scots. He can't understand why this isn't immediately obvious and finds himself constantly having to convince women of this, as well as his mother, who, to this day, thinks he's her distant cousin Mildred's child. She was a frail and sickly woman with a penchant for Mentos and always smelled of peppermint and sweat. 

 

Julia has a very rare physical condition which causes her to burp uncontrollably so she tries to move as little as possible. It all started when uncle Joe fed her pickled rat as an infant. He fancied himself a food pioneer of sorts and was hopeful that his line of pickled rodents would take off and ease him into retirement. He died from accidentally ingesting rat poison. The irony was not lost on Julia.

Angus was immediately attracted to Julia since she reminded him of his sister Rita, who was paralyzed from the neck down after belching on a roller coaster. Julia was shy at first but Angus put her at ease with his facile gaseous emissions. 

Don't trust anyone in dark jeans...

 

Brad, the eldest, claimed to have "chills" that day but was really detoxing from a Spam bender (not of the e-mail kind). Brad first got a taste of the meaty concoction when his mother served it at his 2nd birthday party. He still remembers the sheer elation he felt - it was like a little piece of Nirvana. He was hooked. 

 

Next thing he knew, he was pawning his Slinky at the "ghetto" playground for a slice of the stuff. Years later, his gut ravaged by processed meat, he hit rock bottom when he tried to kill himself by swallowing all the little plastic pieces of his sister Jenny's Lite Brite set. That was it. His family decided it was time to head to South Dakota and see Grandpa Billy who ran a ferret farm. If anyone could help Brad, it was Buckeye Billy, who'd been addicted to tater tots for years.

 

Eat the goddamn apple Adam, and be stuck with me forever!

 

Adam met Eve when he was struck in the head by a stray pea. To this day, he has no idea who the shooter was. Eve played coy and innocent and Adam, being the dumbass that he is, didn't put two and two together. 

 

He's still searching for the person who sent that pea hurtling towards his upper left temple. He suffers from mild migraines and the occasional blackout because of the incident but is grateful that Eve always seems to be there when he awakes and finds himself naked and disoriented in public places. 

Eve sniffed too much Play-Doh as a child and this left her mentally compromised. She suffers from occasional violent delusions and cannot remember what happened between February 18, 1986 and July 20, 1994. 

 

She is disturbed by mental images of smacking her husband over the head, undressing him and driving him to the nearest Quickie Mart. She is convinced these are imaginary and not actual events. Eve wants a baby. Adam wants a new lawn mower.