When are they gonna do it already?

You know when you don't have sex or aren't allowed to have sex and then you obsess about it? I sense this is what's happening with our collective fixation on the sex scene in the next installment of the Twilight saga: Breaking Dawn, part I. It's all over the gossipsphere: how the film almost got an R-rating; shooting the scene; the natural chemistry between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, blah, blah, blah....

I, of course, will be seeing the film to judge for myself whether it lives up to all the hype or not. But frankly, with so much attention on it, we're being set up for disappointment. The religious undertones so evident in the books have now got everyone whipped into a frenzy over the "honeymoon" scenes. It's funny how certain prevalent religions don't really get that the more you restrict it, the more people want it, and the more twisted they get about it.

I mean, just look at the Catholic Church. Do you think all those priests started out as molesters? Probably not. But when you can't have sex and can't masturbate, you get seriously warped. Why does the Church not understand this? It's basic human nature. Or the prevalence of the naughty Catholic school girl fantasy? Come on people, this isn't rocket science.

If Bella and Edward had just done it already we wouldn't be so focused on one single moment but instead absorbed in the whole story. As it stands, the only question on anyone's mind in the movies or even reading the books is: when are they gonna do it? Everything else seems to fade into the background.

If you're not familiar with the books (SPOILER ALERT), Edward refuses to have sex with Bella until they're married, which they do, at 18. Then, miraculously, she gets knocked up, at 18, with a vampire/human hybrid. Then, at childbirth, Bella is turned into a vampire, otherwise she wouldn't have survived since her human body was ripped to shreds by her unique progeny. And they live happily ever after, having crazy awesome vampire sex for eternity.

There's that sex thing again. I'm certainly not against a healthy expression of sexuality but this Twilight thing is so obviously religious as to be offensive to us sane people. I'm not advocating unbridled promiscuity, however, the notion that one should be married before having sex is antiquated, and has caused countless untold tragedies among Catholic youth. (I cite the Catholic religion because I used to be one of its faithful followers.)

The Twilight books were some of the lamest I've ever read but they've undeniably struck a chord with legions of diehard fans fanatically defending the Edward/Bella love story. However, the very fact that this tale has so polarized its fans and naysayers leads me to believe that one should be wary of any kind of religious messaging, even when it's masked within fictional storytelling.

Occupy Hollywood

As I'm sure you all know, there is a huge grassroots movement spreading throughout the US that originated in NYC, called Occupy Wall Street. I, for one, am glad to see this. The American populace is finally rising up against these shameless corporate crooks who basically bankrupted the middle class, but took their tax dollars to save their sorry asses, and are now back to making record profits, while that same middle class struggles to survive.

I read a great article on the Huffington Post by Jo Piazza stating why it's time to Occupy Hollywood and target celebrities who rake in ludicrous amounts of money for "entertaining" us. She states that most celebrities are on a higher pay scale than most CEOs, surgeons and lawyers. They are in a class all their own - the overpaid and overblown.

We, as the consumer, are not entirely innocent. No one has boycotted these celebrities in protest of their completely disproportional salaries. No one has refused to pay the thousands of dollars that people like Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, of Jersey Shore fame now commands for speaking engagements (that's an oxymoron, if I ever heard one). 

I was perturbed by the apparent dumbing down of America to the point of simply accepting that the Kardashian family rakes in millions in a single year. And for what? Airing their dirty laundry on TV? Who are these people? And why do we care?

Sure, we can probably all admit we have a secret weakness when it comes to reality television or such and such a celebrity but the reality of a growing number of Americans is forcing us (even us Canadians) to reevaluate where our values lie. We cannot simply continue within the status quo.

Michael  Moore appeared for a full hour on Piers Morgan Tonight this week, along with a live studio audience. Listening to the stories of these average Americans was heartbreaking. University graduates with Masters' degrees, crushing debt and no job; middle class folk behind in their mortgage and bill payments, struggling to make ends meet; people working well into their 70s to be able to afford health care. This is more than just "not ok"; it's criminal.

There is enough wealth on this planet to feed, clothe and shelter every human being on it. Why is the equitable distribution of wealth such an unacceptable concept? What are the obscenely wealthy so afraid of? They would have much less to fear with a general population that is thriving and content.

One way this incredibly lopsided distribution of wealth will change is if the consumer changes, and demands that the entertainment industry cease to pay these ridiculous amounts of money to "stars", and adopt a more reasonable pay scale, especially for such luminaries as Kim Kardashian and Snooki. And if they don't, we'll simply boycott the celebrities. 

We seem to forget, the consumer holds all the power, not the celebrity, and not the entertainment industry. Without fans, the celebrity is nothing, just another face in the crowd. It's time to wield that power, people.

Instead of paying some celebrity a gazillion dollars to appear in some mediocre Hollywood flick, how about paying them less and reinvesting the rest into creating jobs for people who desperately need them, and maybe throw in some benefits too. Is that really too much to ask?

The delinquent yogini

This weekend, I'll be attending a yoga workshop with a world-renowned teacher focused on detoxification. I'm pretty excited about the whole thing but I suspect my delinquent yogini ways will be challenged. 

I'm guessing there'll be discussions on healthy eating (i.e. no meat, caffeine or sugar). If I attempted to remove these things from my diet, I would be suicidal. I was once treated by a naturopath and had to completely cut out dairy, caffeine and sugar for a month. I felt great physically but I was cranky, obsessed with food and any capacity for joy had all but evaporated. That must be how supermodels feel. Now I know why Naomi Campbell throws phones at people.

Life without that sweet, warm elixir known as coffee would be, quite frankly, unbearable. The promise of that first, piping hot cup of coffee is pretty much the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. Call it a soothing ritual, one that enables me to face the day ahead, and gives me a cool caffeine buzz. Hells ya.

Then there's the whole meat thing. I've tried to be a vegetarian but it never felt right. Or, more precisely, I didn't feel right when not regularly consuming meat. It's like something was off kilter. I was gassy and lethargic - a lethal mix since I couldn't even run away from my own heinous farts. 

Obviously, I don't condone the needless suffering of animals. Those raised for consumption should be treated in the most humane way possible. That being said, a Saturday morning without bacon is like Cher without Sonny (oh wait, they broke up, and he's dead - ok, bad analogy, but you get the drift).

I also drink, as in alcohol. I remember in my yoga teacher training, we were told drinking alcohol or consuming any substance that could alter our mood or perception of reality was like a "shortcut" to enlightenment, and by shortcut I mean "cheating". Instead of earning enlightenment through meditation, yoga and consuming only foods that purify the body, intoxicants "trick" the mind into unearned altered states. Well, I'm lazy and I like the taste of wine. 

I'm sure we'll also learn some yoga sequences over the weekend that help detox the body which is good since I'll probably have bacon breath and be a bit hungover.

Say it ain't so Joe... (I don't know who Joe is, it's a saying, just roll with it)

There I was, innocently perusing the Huffington Post when I came across not one, but two harrowing headlines: 1) a photo of Family Guy characters with the heading: Ending Soon? and 2) '30 Rock' may end this season. In the words of Elaine Benes, from the infamous Seinfeld episode The Contest: "Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? You tryin' to hurt me? You're tryin' to injure me, right? You're tryin' to hurt me..."

Seth MacFarlane has mentioned that there would still be a Family Guy movie every few years  instead of a TV series, but still. What about those years in between movie releases? I get that TV shows have a certain shelf life, and some do pass their expiration date. However, I don't feel that Family Guy has reached that point. 

I was kinda hoping it would be like the Simpsons, seemingly lasting forever. I want to say I understand where Seth is coming from, since change is inevitable and we need to embrace it but if I'm truly honest... f*ck that shit! You can't take away my weekly dose of Family Guy! What will I DO? 

It's the only antidote to political correctness, right-leaning religious fanatics, impotent journalism, broken democracy and vapid entertainment. In other words, it's a necessity to true democratic discourse. It's an anthropological record of 21st Century social mores. Are those enough fancy words strung together to sound like a seriously pondered argument? Good. I have no idea what they mean but they sound intelligent. 

Like that wasn't enough trauma for one day, I find out 30 Rock may be nearing its conclusion. I worship at the altar of Tina Fey. The very thought that this show might end is inconceivable. Why can't it go on indefinitely? I know Tina's had another kid, and Alec Baldwin would like to pursue other projects but c'mon people, you can't leave us in the lurch. 

You can't shower us with your brilliance every week, then just walk away. That's cruel. I mean, if there were other prospects out there, 30 Rock's absence might not be such a frightening thought and, like a break-up, it's always easier when a rebound is lined up, you know? But it ain't a "great comedy" buffet out there, if you get my drift. Shows of this caliber are rare which is why we cling so obsessively to them.

If you're going to produce socially-relevant, jaw-droppingly clever, thigh-slapping, laughter-inducing material, you should resign yourself to the fact that you can never, ever quit.

Fun things to do when experiencing rage and despair

I've been under some serious emotional strain lately dealing with... difficult people. It hasn't been pretty. I left half a lemon in my desk drawer instead of putting it in the fridge. I haven't been on Facebook for like, a week. My boyfriend's giving me pep talks every night. It's f*cked up. So, I've been thinking of a few things that might be fun to do and may help me feel better...

1 - get completely smashed while watching the three Twilight movies on a continuous loop

2 - write a heartfelt letter to my Member of Parliament (that's the equivalent of a Congress rep for my American readers), asking him why the sun has stopped shining in my heart, and could he please get back to me ASAP otherwise I may drown in a pool of my own tears

3 - start my own version of America's Next Top Model - I would get to be Tyra Banks.

4 - get a shirt made with New Hampshire's motto Live free or die and wear it every day

5 - drink five caffeinated Venti Starbucks lattés in a row then try to meditate

6 - switch to a bacon-only diet

7 - adopt a pet rock, adorn it with a blue rhinestone collar, name it Wilson and bring it everywhere I go

8 - eat a "family-size" bag of Cheetos in one sitting

9 - write a dissertation on the benefits of slovenliness

10 - find out how many cosmos I can drink before passing out

The one where I realize I'm a TV whore, and not a high-priced one

My vampire fetish has been well documented throughout this blog, on many occasions. Therefore, it's only logical to think that any movie or TV program featuring these bloodsucking fiends would appeal to me. I would dispute this claim except that I was most recently proven wrong, again.

I think I have standards but then something happens that reminds me that, indeed, I do not. Take, for instance, my recent immersion in the teen TV drama Vampire Diaries. It's basically One Tree Hill with vampires. And like One Tree Hill, I was very skeptical at first. Watching the pilot episodes of both these shows was like slowly shoving a fork in my eye. I did not have the faith. My stepdaughter encouraged me to hang in there. So I did.

Last year, we ended up watching six seasons of One Tree Hill in five weeks. There are about 22 episodes per season, at approximately 42 minutes each. You do the math. Once I had made it past the first five or six episodes of the first season of One Tree Hill, I was lapping that shit up like nobody's business.

The same holds true for Vampire Diaries. If you have the fortitude to get past those first few episodes, and the feeling you're simply watching an Abercrombie and Fitch commercial, the storylines, albeit not overly original, suck you in. The layers start to get peeled away, one by one, and you find yourself actually looking forward to the next episode, until it dawns on you - you're hooked.

It can't be any worse than watching America's Next Top Model. Actually, it's pretty much the same show,  with the addition of male actors.

Breaking Bad breakdown

I'd like to think my boyfriend and I are fairly intelligent people but sometimes things happen that make me seriously doubt this. Take, for example, our attempt to watch Season 3 of Breaking Bad. It all started when we went to our nearest video rental store. They only had three of the four discs but informed us that another store had disc 1. So, we rented discs 2 through 4 and headed north to the other location and rented disc 1.

We successfully watched the first few episodes on disc 1. Then, we attempted to watch the last one but fell asleep early on and decided we would watch it at a later date. One week passes. We're headed out to run some errands and decide we should bring back disc 1 since it's overdue. Did we watch all the episodes on that disc? Somehow, we convinced ourselves that we had, and brought it back. 

There was also added pressure to return these suckers. The chain of video stores we rent from was going bankrupt and would close permanently in a matter of weeks. We had to call and find out how long we had before they closed up shop and we wouldn't be able to return them and then we'd have creditors hassling us to purchase the damn discs.

A short time later, we settled in to watch the first episode on disc 2. Massive confusion. What the hell is going on? Did we miss an episode? Then, it dawned on me. Shit! We never finished the last episode on disc 1 because we fell asleep! Dammit! Highly frustrated by our lack of short term memory, we marched on, watched disc 2 and pieced together what we missed.

When we finished watching the second disc, my boyfriend put in disc 3, or so he thought. We watched all the episodes on this disc, and the last one had a great cliffhanger ending. I rushed to the DVD player to put in what I thought would be the final disc. As I removed the one we'd just watched, I looked at it in horror as I read: Disc 4, episodes 11-13. Whaaaaaaa?! How could this happen? How could we not know we skipped ONE WHOLE DISC when we were so confused after missing just one episode?

Then, I had an idea. I knew Season 4 was currently airing on TV and we had that channel on our On Demand service. OMG, we could go watch Season 4 now and find out what happened! So, we found the Breaking Bad listing, bursting with glee, only to have our dreams crushed. Only episodes 6-8 of Season 4 were listed. F*CK. We are idiots.

So, we resigned ourselves to watching the middle episodes of Season 3 that we missed. They filled in some details of the later episodes but we couldn't help but feel completely deflated by our stupidity. I mean, this is a kick-ass show, not something you want to f*ck up, you know? Now, we'll basically have to wait until Season 4 comes out on DVD, and find a new video rental store. Bollocks.