Royal Wedding Fever

I'd like to think I'll be all nonchalant and shit about tomorrow's royal nuptials but really, who am I kidding? I'll be glued to CNN like a bitch in heat to someone's unwitting leg. It's madness, it's mayhem, it's the world gone gaga for an epic fairy tale, again.

However, this time around, I suspect the event will be much more grounded in reality than Charles and Diana's wedding 30 years ago. For one thing, William and Kate have been together for nearly a decade, and have weathered their share of storms, be it break-ups or intense paparazzi scrutiny. 

And probably most importantly, they love each other, not someone else, as in Prince Charles' case. I don't get the feeling William was pressured into anything. I think he truly loves Kate and wants to marry her, and kudos to Kate for having the balls to officially join the Royal Family. I mean, you're basically signing your life away, and agreeing to wear questionable head gear to public events. 

Crazed fans have already been camped outside Westminster Abbey for a few days now, and the media is laying siege to London like the plague. I vaguely remember Charles and Diana's wedding but I do clearly recall getting a sense that it was a momentous occasion, despite its very public and painful unraveling. 

What is it about a royal wedding, or more specifically, about the wedding of a future King of England, that has the world so entranced? Is it because it's one of those rare moments when the world comes together to celebrate a happy occasion instead of a sad or tragic one? Is it perhaps our enduring belief in fairy tales and happy endings? Or is it because it's the opposite of disaster porn, which I guess would be celebrity porn, although in Charlie Sheen's case, the two are synonymous. 

Fun with CNN Souvenirs - Episode 5

Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4

**These episodes are solely a product of my own imagination. Any resemblance whatsoever to actual events is purely coincidental.

Me: I know about you and Sanjay.

Anderson: Of course you do, you set us up.

Me: Andy, baby, you know what I mean. I know you two are sleeping together.

Sanjay: I think it's more than that.

Me: Is it, Andy? Are you in love with Sanjay?

Anderson: I thought I might be. But then, when Sanjay told me about his Prada deal with you, and I found out what kind of sacrifice you were making for me, for us, I don't know, things changed.

Sanjay: But things were so... intense between us. Are you denying that?

Anderson: I'm not but... I love my wife. I really do. 

Sanjay: And I'm caught in the middle. On one hand, I have a Prada wholesale hook-up and on the other, a hot news anchor. It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

Anderson: Let me make it easier for you. I choose my wife. 

Sanjay: Wow. It's like you didn't even have to think about it. Didn't any of it mean anything to you?

Anderson: Of course it did, I'm not some heartless bastard. But I didn't have all the information. Now I do. Sure, Sassy can be a bitch sometimes.

Me: Hey!

Anderson: Well, it's true.

Me: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Anderson: But she's also the craziest, hottest, tightest piece of ass I've ever had. 

Sanjay: You really know how to make a guy feel special.

Anderson: Sanjay, you were there for me when I needed someone, when Sassy couldn't be, because of her depression. Hey, um, that's done by the way, right?

Me: Oh yeah. 

Anderson: Ok good. As I was saying, you were there when I needed you. 

Sanjay: And now you want to discard me like yesterday's trash.

Anderson: You know that's not true. Don't vilify me because you're angry and feeling rejected.

Sanjay: Don't patronize me. I love you.

Anderson: I thought I loved you to. 

Me: Boys, stop. There's no reason we can't resolve this. We're three extraordinarily attractive people. Obviously, we all care about each other. So why not show it? Together? The three of us?

Anderson: Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Sanjay: Yes, she is. 

Me: So, what do you say boys? How's about you and you and me take this to the bedroom?

Anderson: I love you.

Me: I love you too.

Sanjay: I love you three. 

Anderson: Wait! What are we going to do about Soledad? You're not safe as long as she's out there.

Me: Let me worry about that. Right now I've got bigger fish to fry. 

Anderson: I love it when you talk dirty. Sanjay, come on. 

Sanjay: No need to ask me twice.

Will Soledad exact her revenge on me for the fundraiser fashion show fiasco? Will Sanjay remain content sharing Anderson with me? Find out on the next episode of Fun with CNN Souvenirs.

It's like a horrific accident... I can't look away.

So... apparently Brad Womack (a.k.a the latest Bachelor on The Bachelor) and his chosen one, Emily Maynard, have split for good - she left him, a mere four or five months after they got together. Emily was all set to move to Austin with her daughter to be with Brad but then, things fell apart... again. 

Oh yes, they had broken up once before, then got back together to face the cameras for their After the final rose special. It was apparent then that these two had no chance. Physically awkward with each other and whispering "I love you" before statements like " I'm not sure I'm ready to marry Brad" = recipe for disaster. 

There was also a segment on the special that included bringing back successful Bachelor couples to "counsel" Brad and Emily on how to get through this "rough" period when the show actually airs and one member of the new couple has to watch the other make out with and declare "strong feelings" for a bevy of other very attractive men or women. 

Apparently, Emily has had the most trouble in Bachelor history "adjusting" to this period immediately following the end of her cloistered, idyllic romance with Brad and the airing of his shenanigans with other bodacious babes.

Yeah, reality kind of sucks like that. It's ironic that this type of program is dubbed "reality TV" since nothing could be further from it. Hence, the incredibly high failure rate of Bachelor couples to tough it out in the real world once the show is over. 

Interestingly, the Bachelorettes seem to fare better than their male counterparts. I wish I had a theory as to why but I really don't. Is it because women are much cattier and have more trouble getting over the fact that the guy who asked "Will you marry me?" may also have slept with other women just days earlier? Is it because the Bachelorettes tend to think with their hearts instead of their vaginas, and therefore pick a more suitable mate?

Then there are jerk-offs like Jake Pavelka who were on the show simply to become famous. I mean, Jake is now filming a reality series with some Jersey Housewife and Heidi Montag. Please. I'm convinced he picked the notorious, unanimously reviled Vienna simply for ratings, and it worked. Congratulations Jake on your most excellent fame whoring. Well done.

Apparently, Brad Womack has a "temper" which was one of the reasons why Emily dumped him. I'm thinking the show's producers may have known that Brad was emotionally "fragile" so why cast him AGAIN on The Bachelor? 

Oh yes, this was his SECOND time on the show as the Bachelor. He had a first chance and f*cked it up. And, he has a temper. There should have been no second chances. I'm guessing the powers that be thought it would be good for ratings. Ah Hollywood, it's all about the bottom line, isn't it.

Brad stated that one of his fears, the second time around, was falling for a woman who wouldn't love him back. Well, I guess that turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. He should have picked Shawntel, a gorgeous, intelligent, emotionally stable funeral director. Then again, Shawntel deserves better. In the end, she dodged a bullet. 

It's been proven, although quite rarely, that this formula can work to find a mate. Trista, the first ever Bachelorette and her pick Ryan, have been together for seven years and have two kids. But, for the most part, what follows a season of the Bachelor / Bachelorette are disastrous couplings that crash faster than Charlie Sheen in rehab.

Of course, I'm counting down the days until the next season of The Bachelorette premieres in May, followed by the second season of a spin-off show, The Bachelor Pad, this summer. It's anthropological research. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Brad: See how I'm touching your arm with my finger? That means I like you.

Emily: See how my stiff stance indicates that I may be a frigid bitch? That means you're not good enough for me.

The hockey widow and fairweather fan

Yes, my dearest Sassies, it's that time of year again - the NHL playoffs are in full swing, and my boyfriend's all-time favorite team, the Montreal Canadiens are in their first 2011 playoff series against the Boston Bruins, a rivalry fraught with tense history.

My boyfriend, unlike myself, is a loyal hockey fan. As soon as the season starts, he relishes watching his Canadiens in action. I, on the other hand, sigh heavily and wonder what else is on. That is, until playoff season. I had no interest in the first game of the Montreal/Boston series. Then, I displayed mild interest in the second game. And the more the Canadiens advance, the more ardent my fervour as one of their greatest fairweather fans.

You see, I invest no time or emotion in this team until they get to the playoffs. I don't know if it's because suddenly, the stakes are higher or maybe it's because playoffs feel like a regular hockey season on crack. Senses are sharpened, emotions are heightened. It's some crazy-ass shit. 

Like last year, the Canadiens, clearly the underdogs and not expected to go very far in post-season play, knocked out the two top ranked teams in their division (Washington and Pittsburgh) much to everyone's surprise, but ended up losing their series against Philadelphia. It was some of the most exciting TV viewing in recent memory. I was all over that shit. 

Now Montreal is leading their series 2-0 against Boston and there's a game on tonight. I'm actually kind of excited about it. Like, I might actually watch it. Also, the game's not expected to interfere with new episodes of Nurse Jackie and United States of Tara, starting at 10 pm tonight. I have my priorities.

The "hockey widow" is a common term here in Canada since most wives/girlfriends/partners of rabid hockey fans pretty much lose their partner's attention as long as said partner's favorite team is in the playoffs. 

To give my American readers an idea of how important hockey is to Canadians, a national leaders' televised debate was recently rescheduled because it would coincide with a Montreal/Boston playoff game. You see, we're in the midst of a federal election here, kind of like when you guys vote for a new President, but in Canada, even federal politics takes a back seat to the NHL. 'Cause that's how we roll.

Tyra, why you gotta bullshit me sister?

Last night, I had a tiny TV orgasm. Why, you ask? Because I got to watch two hours of America's Next Top Model - last week's episode via On Demand since I missed it, followed by this week's new episode, then a new episode of Modern Family, followed by the premiere of Happy Endings, a promising new comedy. I can't remember the last time I had three solid hours of awesomeness on TV. Life is good. 

So, back to America's Next Top Model since, like, oh my God, there was so much DRAMA. So, this girl Alexandria, who thinks she's all that, and is kind of an arrogant bitch in the house, is convincing everyone else, i.e. Tyra and the judges, that she's just the best person/model ever. 

Then, on a photo shoot, this other contestant, Brittani, is talking to the other girls saying how Alexandria shouldn't have won the latest challenge (being featured in a "fight breast cancer" ad campaign) because she's such a fake ho, and Alexandria's all like " I heard that!", and Brittani's all like, "Well it's true! We all wanted you to go home last week!" and it's a bitchfest smackdown. Little did they know that one of the judges, Nigel Barker, witnessed the whole thing.

Then, during the judging panel, Nigel just had to bring it to everyone's attention, then Brittani lost her shit, and there was crying and gnashing of teeth and panic attacks and a contrite return before the judges. Tyra gets all sanctimonious and shit, telling Brittani she was totally unprofessional and should never have done what she did while on the job, especially not in front of clients.

So, Alexandria comes out looking like the poor, hapless victim and Brittani is admonished to no end by Tyra, and told that if Tyra had the final word, she'd be gone. Ouch. Except that Brittani has better photos than Alexandria, and Tyra was outvoted by the other judges, including Nigel, to keep Brittani, and Alexandria has previously gotten in shit, more than once, for telling people what to do on set. How soon Tyra forgets...

But it's the fashion industry people. Of course fake will overrule authentic. Even Tyra was singing the praises of "faking it" in front of clients, like if you're having a bad day, you have to pretend you're not. You gotta put on your happy face and your big girl panties. Except that there are tremendously successful models who are known to be, at times, totally out of control bitches. 

Take, for example, Naomi Campbell, who, on numerous occasions, has been known to have tantrums and throw shit at people. Clients are still booking her. Or Kate Moss, who was caught, then exposed on the front page of a British newspaper doing coke. Yep, she's still modeling. I wonder why Tyra didn't mention that.

Let's face it, if models sell shit, they'll get booked, irregardless of their behaviour. If anything, notoriety will raise their celebrity status, not tarnish it. I mean, look at Charlie Sheen. It's the same in the modeling industry. 

Tyra can pontificate all she wants but bad girl models have proven they can be just as successful, if not more so, than those who tow the line. And frankly, Brittani is a superior model. So she'd had enough of Alexandria and her bullshit and let off some steam. Big deal. Like that hasn't happened before in the real modeling industry? Come on, what do you take us for Tyra, idiots? Please bitch. We all know how it goes down. And your sugar coating just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. 

Song Smackdown: Part Deux

Here's more YouTube wisdom for you today because 1) I'm feeling lazy and uninspired and 2) it's f*cking funny.

You must watch these videos in the order they appear to get the full effect:

1) Totally retarded song: Grenade by Bruno Mars:

2) Deconstruction of said Bruno Mars song by Kingsley:

I was smarter this time around and saved the James Lafferty shirtless pic for the end of the post:

Who's your daddy?

Another victim porn assault

Ashley Judd recently released her memoir detailing a childhood marred by neglect and sexual abuse. Her mother Naomi and sister Wynonna were initially dismayed by the allegations in the book but merely days after its release, mommy Naomi admitted she too was sexually abused as a child during an interview on The View to promote her upcoming reality series The Judds.

Why do celebrities feel they have to reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to the whole friggin' world? Are they that desperate for cash and/or attention? Newsflash: it's already been done, like a zillion times, and it's pretty hard to beat Mackenzie Phillips who got it on, willingly, with her father. 

You were abused as a child? So f*cking what. Get over it already. I don't mean to downplay the seriousness of sexual abuse but that's exactly what these celebrities are doing - I mean, I don't know about you, but my sympathy is wearing thin for this kind of thing. You were abused? That totally sucks. Get some therapy, work on your shit and stop letting it define you as a VICTIM. 

What exactly are celebrities hoping to accomplish by divulging these disturbing truths? Working out their mommy/daddy issues in the public eye? Creating "awareness" around abuse? Justifying bad behaviour? Dudes, we're so "aware" of this issue, we're becoming desensitized to it. "Oh, ANOTHER celebrity was sexually abused as a child. Boo f*cking hoo." 

Is the implication that a messed up childhood is a prerequisite to becoming an actor/musician/comedian/artist? Because I can say, with a great degree of certainty, that that's not the case. I had a perfectly normal childhood and it hasn't tarnished my creativity in the least. 

The world doesn't need another tell-all book by some has-been celebrity hack. What we do need are publishers who are more focused on developing the talents of actual writers instead of printing volumes of celebrity navel gazing. It's no wonder our society is getting dumber by the minute - look at what we're publicizing and reading. 

Kudos to the mighty Opes for her book club and the power it wields to push actual works of literature into mainstream pop culture. It's a ray of light in a murky sea of banal victim porn.

Kate Plus 8 minus Jon equals FAIL

I watch bad TV. I admit it. Yeah, I'm a Bachelor and Bachelorette fan; I watch America's Next Top Model. But even I get offended by some TV shows that are SO bad, there is just no excuse. Take, for example, the return of Kate Gosselin to TLC in Kate Plus 8.

Is it just me or is this woman f*cking annoying? She's the epitome of arrogant, ignorant, smug moms. Just seeing the commercials for this show irks me. Apparently, TLC still "believes" in Kate. Really? What exactly is there to "believe" in? Since Jon and Kate Gosselin broke up, the ratings have plummeted. I guess people liked to tune in to watch Kate boss Jon around and generally treat him like shit.

Not that I'm defending Jon, who was busy in 2009, post break-up, hangin' in Europe with his new designer buddies and headlining Vegas pool parties, sans enfants. Ahem.

But now that the interactions between Jon and Kate are absent from the show, what the hell is there to watch? Kate boss her kids around? TLC must be shelling out big coin for the new season since the whole family travels to Australia for the season premiere. 

I guess they'll try anything to make this show interesting. Except that it's not, and it never will be. It's about a woman stuck with eight kids because she wasn't happy with her husband and initial set of twins (does anyone ever take into account that the planet is already overpopulated?). Jon was happy with two kids but NO... Kate wanted another one. 

Instead of heeding Mother Nature's opinion on the subject (you don't need no more kids bitch!), Kate underwent fertility treatments, and instead of keeping just one embryo (I know, that would mean having to KILL the other five) she kept all six of them. We can thank "reproductive technology" for forcing people to make those kinds of decisions in the first place.

Now Kate's afraid that if her crummy show is canceled, she'll have to get a "real" job. No shit Sherlock. Do you think your stint on TV will last forever? Did you not think about how you would support eight kids before letting six embryos take root in your womb? Apparently not. And frankly, I don't think we should be subjected to your dull, day-to-day life with your large, artificially created brood because you need to pay the bills.

If you're new to my blog, I have a whole category dedicated to "reproductive ranting" because I find this fertility treatment business to be total bullshit. We've glorified parenthood to the point where couples are strained physically and financially trying to conceive by artificial methods when natural ones don't work, and end up popping out an inordinate amount of mouths to feed. Then they're featured on Oprah.

I suspect Jon and Kate might still be together if they had just kept it to two kids, were never on television and subsequently warped by fame. And we would have been spared the travesty of Kate Gosselin on Dancing with the Stars.

The assumption that we all aspire (or should aspire) to parenthood and are somehow failures if we don't partake in this societal dogma leads to desperate measures such as fertility treatments and overly large families who then must be put on television as a means to support themselves, leading to their eventual demise. Somehow, I don't think that's what Mother Nature intended.

Hallelujah! I have heard the voice of reason, and her name is GloZell.

I owe this post entirely to my stepdaughter whose finger is on the pulse of all that is hip and current in mainstream pop culture.

I've deduced that living with a teenage girl has allowed me to hang on to a shred of coolness that would have entirely disintegrated otherwise. I mean, without her, I wouldn't have experienced seven seasons of One Tree Hill and would have been denied the sight of James Lafferty's bare chest. Case in point:

Focus people, FOCUS. So, said stepdaughter tells me to check out Rebecca Black's song Friday on YouTube. I will reserve my comments until after you've seen it.

I know... holy piece of asinine crap. Do people really like this shit? Enter GloZell, the voice of reason: 

I would also be remiss if I didn't include her take on Rihanna's hit Rude Boy. It's self-explanatory:

You're welcome.