Monday, January 31, 2011

Fun with CNN Souvenirs - Episode 1

On a recent trip to Atlanta, I went on a studio tour of CNN headquarters. They took a photograph of all us tourists at a CNN news desk and if we purchased the picture, we got free bookmarks. What ensues is the result of my acquisition of said news desk photo, my Anderson Cooper, Sanjay Gupta and Soledad O'Brien bookmarks, and my depraved mind. 

**These episodes are solely a product of my own imagination. Any resemblance whatsoever to actual events is purely coincidental.

Fun with CNN Souvenirs - Episode 1

Me: Andy, baby, don't forget to buy toilet paper at the drugstore and some Preparation H - you know how your 'roids act up this time of year. You really need to take better care of yourself.

Anderson: Poopee, don't worry. I told you, I won't forget. I know how much you like to snort coke off my tight ass. 

Me: How did I ever get so lucky? 

Anderson: No, poopee, how did I ever get so lucky? I have the most beautiful, intelligent, talented, sexy woman on the whole entire planet. 

Me: Aaawww, Andy. Stop it. You're making me blush.

Anderson (grabbing my ass): Mmm... where?

Me: Not now honey.

Anderson: But when?

Me: When this retched antidepressant doesn't make my cooch numb and I can orgasm again. 

Anderson: When will that happen?

Me: When I'm not a needlessly depressed rich housewife anymore.

Anderson: What are you saying?

Me: I'm saying, let the pills kick in. When I'm not harboring this sickening feeling of standing at the edge of an abyss every time I have to sit through some yuppie dinner party, sipping expensive wine in my overpriced, tight-ass Ralph Lauren clothing, talking about our trips abroad like they're chips at a Black Jack table, betting on our social status, maybe then we'll have sex again. (pause) But the coke helps.

Anderson: Anything for my poopee.
Me: Baby, we're gonna get through this.

Anderson: Yes, we are. I'm not giving up on you. I remember a once vibrant, creative, happy, horny woman. I will find her again, if it's the last thing I do. 

Anderson: I'm gonna f*cking kill her, I swear.

Sanjay: Ouch, take it easy, I'm not used to being on the bottom.

Anderson: Oh, sorry.

Sanjay: You know, I hate it when you talk about her while we're making love. A little sensitivity please?

Anderson: I'm sorry. It's just that she drives me crazy. She's either crying or nagging or high.

Sanjay: Why are you still with her? 

Anderson: I don't know. Maybe I feel sorry for her. 

Sanjay: Feeling sorry for someone is no reason to stay with them. She's a big girl, she'll be fine on her own.

Anderson: I won't be - she'll take me to the f*cking cleaners.

Sanjay: You didn't sign a pre-nup?

Anderson: No.

Sanjay: Are you crazy?

Anderson: No, but I'm married to it.

Sanjay: Oh God...

Anderson: I know. It's a bad situation.

Sanjay: No, I mean, oh God, I'm gonna come, I'm coming!!!! Aaahhhhhhh!!!! 

Anderson: That is so hot.... oh God..... oh God....... Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!

(Both are lying on the bed, in post-coital bliss.)

Anderson: I have to leave her. 

Sanjay: Yes, you do. (pause) I love you, Anderson.

Anderson: What?

Sanjay: I said, I love you.

Anderson: But I thought...

Sanjay: I know what you thought. But I have feelings for you.

Anderson: Don't say that. 

Sanjay: I have to. I can't keep it to myself any longer. I think about you all the time. I miss you when we're not together. 

Anderson: I don't know what to say. 

Sanjay: Say you love me.

Anderson: I don't know if I can.

Sanjay: Why not? 

Anderson: There are things you don't know about me. Things I'm not proud of.

Sanjay: Nobody's perfect. 

Anderson: You wouldn't understand. (Anderson gets up and quickly gets dressed.)

Sanjay: What the hell are you doing? Don't go! 

Anderson: I don't have a choice, I have to go. 

Will we find out about Anderson's deep, dark secret? Has Sanjay been keeping a secret of his own? Stay tuned for the next episode of Fun with CNN Souvenirs to find out!

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