Thursday, November 24, 2011

Talking out of my ass

I've been retardedly busy lately, people. Yes, I used the word "retardedly". I know it's not politically correct but you know what? F*ck that. It's the word that best describes my current situation. I've been writing like a fiend, working on various plays, which explains why I've only been posting about once a week on this blog.

This is not to say I don't value you, my readers. I do. But my love is proportional to your overt adoration. Like any artist. And I've been busy playing Angry Birds on my iPhone. Don't judge. Every writer needs a break, or at least a valid excuse to procrastinate. 

I came across a funny article the other day. It stated that people who watch Fox News are less informed than people who don't watch the news at all. This is why I don't watch the news.

Demi Moore filed for divorce from Ashton Kutcher. I know. You're thinking: "Bitch, where have you been, that's so last week." I simply mention it because I knew this would happen. I knew it as soon as Demi posted pictures of herself on Twitter in a bikini and shades in her bathroom. Only a desperate woman, aware of her partner's wandering affections, would do such a thing. 

I went shopping last week for "non-moo moo" home clothes. Home clothes are what I immediately change into when returning home from work, 'cause let's face it, tight pants and bras with underwire gotta go at some point in the day. 

My boyfriend was lamenting the fact that my home clothes were somewhat... ample. I believe his words were "tent-like". So, out of the goodness of my heart, accompanied by said boyfriend, we went shopping for home clothes that actually fit, and much to his delight, were somewhat form-fitting. 

The only downside is that now I continually get couch groped. I'm innocently ensconced in our couch, watching TV and the boyfriend starts groping me 'cause I got the hot home clothes now. But if I start posting photos on Twitter, positioned provocatively in my new hip-hugging sweats, you know there's trouble in paradise.

I almost got run over by a car a few weeks ago while I was cycling home. My life did not flash before my eyes. A couple weeks later, I was trying to Shazam a song on the radio while driving. I then understood why cyclists get run over by cars.

Friday, November 18, 2011

No one needs a 2.5 million dollar bra

A few reasons why movements like Occupy Wall Street exist:

1 - Model Miranda Kerr will grace the catwalk in a 2.5 million dollar bra at a Victoria's Secret fashion show.

2 - The demise of Kim Kardashian's marriage is getting more media attention than both the Afghan and Iraq wars.

3 - NBA players are squabbling over their multi-million dollar salaries, refusing to play, while the unemployment rate in the US sits at approximately 10%.

These are the types of things that really irk me. Who the hell needs a 2.5 million dollar bra? I'm guessing it'll be worn once for a fashion show, then shelved or put on display somewhere, and that 2.5 million will have been an absolute waste. 2.5 million dollars that could have been invested in education, or given to a charitable organization or used to create jobs.

Everywhere I turn, there is mention of Kim Kardashian's failed marriage. Now, I'm not immune to reality TV. I watch some pretty trashy stuff on occasion. I get it. It's great mind-numbing fluff. That being said, media coverage of these so-called celebrities should not overtake actual current events. 

When the vast majority of people are debating whether Kim's marriage was staged or real rather than focusing on the fiscal future of a precarious capitalist system gone awry, and the disintegration of the very social fabric that brought the US to greatness, there's a problem. That this family of vacuous bimbos rakes in millions for displaying their moronic lives on TV is simply immoral. 

Then we have the NBA players. Bitching because they want to make 21 million instead of just 20 million. How much is enough? This is greed gone wild. 

Chelsea Handler said it very eloquently when she appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight recently. The wealthy have a responsibility to share their good fortune with others, to help others rise up along with them, and the more you have, the greater your responsibility is to do this.

A number of celebrities have publicly stated that they would pay more taxes, following Warren Buffet's lead. However, it's up to the US government to change its tax policies so this can happen.

The Occupy movement has certainly brought the legitimate concerns of a middle class stretched too thin to the forefront of public discourse. But will it have any long lasting effects? Will regulations be put in place to govern the activities of Wall Street? Will the salaries of corporate CEOs, professional  athletes and celebrities be reduced, or will they at least be required to pay their fair share of taxes? Will the US government start working for its people rather than the corporations who currently own it? 

The status quo cannot continue indefinitely. For any substantive change to occur, America's citizens need to re-frame their priorities, and ask themselves some serious questions about what kind of future they want for their country. 

The US is in a grossly decadent phase, much like Rome was, before it fell. History can be ignored but it doesn't change the facts. Much like the captain of the Titanic, believing his ship to be invincible, it is that very belief that will sink the US unless its citizenry vigilantly dedicates itself to taking back the country that is rightfully theirs. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Buff Buffy

Take a good look at the woman in the photo below and guess how old she is...

What are you thinking? 45, 50 ish? That's Buffy Sainte-Marie and she's 70 years old. 70! This woman is my new hero. I'm determined to look that good and be in that great a shape at 70. To find out how she keeps lookin' this fine, click here.

Now, you may be wondering: who the hell is Buffy Sainte-Marie? Well, she's a Canadian Cree singer-songwriter, musician, composer, visual artist, educator, pacifist, and social activist. In other words, she kicks ass. She was even blacklisted by the Lyndon B. Johnson administration for being a vocal advocate of the peace movement. 

What I love most about this photo and the accompanying article is the flouting of stereotypes about aging. For instance, there is a commonly held belief that, after a certain age, we should expect our bodies to start falling apart and resign ourselves to bad hairstyles and the use of canes and walkers. To this, I say: F*ck that! I'm in much better shape now than I ever was in my teens and twenties, and it's only gonna get better since I became a gym bitch about six months ago.

I was definitely active during my pre-gym days but adding lunch hour workouts to my current physical activity regime really upped the ante. There are signs that my body is aging but only superficial ones. I feel like I'm getting younger, and rediscovering my sense of play. My existential angst is waning with every passing year, giving way to childlike wonder.

What I also love about the photo is that, although Buffy looks f*cking amazing, she doesn't look like she's had work done. Like Meryl Streep. Yeah, we know these ladies have been around for decades and are not what is generally considered to be "young" anymore but they look great and still have an ineffable glow about them. In other words, they don't look like circus freaks desperately trying to hold on to some warped idea of youth. They seem to embrace their advancing age with verve.

I suspect the pharmaceutical and cosmetic surgery industries have a lot to gain by brainwashing people into thinking that, by a certain age, they'll need a nip and a tuck and some pills. If a man can run a marathon at 100 (it's been done, look it up), then we need to re-frame what it means to age. I, for one, will not be slowing down anytime soon. I plan to be hitting the slopes and mountain bike trails well into my nineties, if not beyond.

Friday, November 4, 2011

When are they gonna do it already?

You know when you don't have sex or aren't allowed to have sex and then you obsess about it? I sense this is what's happening with our collective fixation on the sex scene in the next installment of the Twilight saga: Breaking Dawn, part I. It's all over the gossipsphere: how the film almost got an R-rating; shooting the scene; the natural chemistry between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, blah, blah, blah....

I, of course, will be seeing the film to judge for myself whether it lives up to all the hype or not. But frankly, with so much attention on it, we're being set up for disappointment. The religious undertones so evident in the books have now got everyone whipped into a frenzy over the "honeymoon" scenes. It's funny how certain prevalent religions don't really get that the more you restrict it, the more people want it, and the more twisted they get about it.

I mean, just look at the Catholic Church. Do you think all those priests started out as molesters? Probably not. But when you can't have sex and can't masturbate, you get seriously warped. Why does the Church not understand this? It's basic human nature. Or the prevalence of the naughty Catholic school girl fantasy? Come on people, this isn't rocket science.

If Bella and Edward had just done it already we wouldn't be so focused on one single moment but instead absorbed in the whole story. As it stands, the only question on anyone's mind in the movies or even reading the books is: when are they gonna do it? Everything else seems to fade into the background.

If you're not familiar with the books (SPOILER ALERT), Edward refuses to have sex with Bella until they're married, which they do, at 18. Then, miraculously, she gets knocked up, at 18, with a vampire/human hybrid. Then, at childbirth, Bella is turned into a vampire, otherwise she wouldn't have survived since her human body was ripped to shreds by her unique progeny. And they live happily ever after, having crazy awesome vampire sex for eternity.

There's that sex thing again. I'm certainly not against a healthy expression of sexuality but this Twilight thing is so obviously religious as to be offensive to us sane people. I'm not advocating unbridled promiscuity, however, the notion that one should be married before having sex is antiquated, and has caused countless untold tragedies among Catholic youth. (I cite the Catholic religion because I used to be one of its faithful followers.)

The Twilight books were some of the lamest I've ever read but they've undeniably struck a chord with legions of diehard fans fanatically defending the Edward/Bella love story. However, the very fact that this tale has so polarized its fans and naysayers leads me to believe that one should be wary of any kind of religious messaging, even when it's masked within fictional storytelling.


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