Best article title ever: "Oops! Jessica Simpson farts during business meeting." This is one of the "exclusive" stories currently on Us Magazine.com. Of course, it's one of the top five most read stories given our endless fascination with flatulence. Click here for more details.
This isn't the first time "fart" and "Jessica Simpson" have been bed fellows. Apparently, on her reality show Newlyweds with Nick Lachey, she let one rip on camera, commenting "You love my stinky ass." Some things should never be shared on camera.
Come to think of it, that retched show should never have aired. I tried to watch it a couple times. Painful, so painful. I wondered if Jessica was acting or if she really was that irritating and clueless. And if so, why the f*ck would we give her the time of day? A lamp post is more interesting than Jessica Simpson. Maybe she knows this and that's why she's farting in public. To divert attention from her obvious shortcomings.
Although, kudos to Jessica for owning up to her farts. That shows some kind of... integrity. There are plenty of fart deniers out there. You know who you are. You let one rip in a car or an elevator, usually a silent one. Shortly thereafter, people's faces start contorting, and you play along with them. "Oh my God! Who let one rip?!" instead of uttering a simple "Sorry. Couldn't help it."
However, a successful fart evasion technique I learned from a pro is the B & R (bomb and run). If you find yourself strolling through a public place, like an aisle in a grocery store, and have emitted noxious gas (the "bomb"), simply leave the scene immediately, in a casual manner, as if nothing happened (the "run"). Now it's someone else's problem.
Yesterday: musings on the meaning of life and death. Today: farts.