It's like a horrific accident... I can't look away.

So... apparently Brad Womack (a.k.a the latest Bachelor on The Bachelor) and his chosen one, Emily Maynard, have split for good - she left him, a mere four or five months after they got together. Emily was all set to move to Austin with her daughter to be with Brad but then, things fell apart... again. 

Oh yes, they had broken up once before, then got back together to face the cameras for their After the final rose special. It was apparent then that these two had no chance. Physically awkward with each other and whispering "I love you" before statements like " I'm not sure I'm ready to marry Brad" = recipe for disaster. 

There was also a segment on the special that included bringing back successful Bachelor couples to "counsel" Brad and Emily on how to get through this "rough" period when the show actually airs and one member of the new couple has to watch the other make out with and declare "strong feelings" for a bevy of other very attractive men or women. 

Apparently, Emily has had the most trouble in Bachelor history "adjusting" to this period immediately following the end of her cloistered, idyllic romance with Brad and the airing of his shenanigans with other bodacious babes.

Yeah, reality kind of sucks like that. It's ironic that this type of program is dubbed "reality TV" since nothing could be further from it. Hence, the incredibly high failure rate of Bachelor couples to tough it out in the real world once the show is over. 

Interestingly, the Bachelorettes seem to fare better than their male counterparts. I wish I had a theory as to why but I really don't. Is it because women are much cattier and have more trouble getting over the fact that the guy who asked "Will you marry me?" may also have slept with other women just days earlier? Is it because the Bachelorettes tend to think with their hearts instead of their vaginas, and therefore pick a more suitable mate?

Then there are jerk-offs like Jake Pavelka who were on the show simply to become famous. I mean, Jake is now filming a reality series with some Jersey Housewife and Heidi Montag. Please. I'm convinced he picked the notorious, unanimously reviled Vienna simply for ratings, and it worked. Congratulations Jake on your most excellent fame whoring. Well done.

Apparently, Brad Womack has a "temper" which was one of the reasons why Emily dumped him. I'm thinking the show's producers may have known that Brad was emotionally "fragile" so why cast him AGAIN on The Bachelor? 

Oh yes, this was his SECOND time on the show as the Bachelor. He had a first chance and f*cked it up. And, he has a temper. There should have been no second chances. I'm guessing the powers that be thought it would be good for ratings. Ah Hollywood, it's all about the bottom line, isn't it.

Brad stated that one of his fears, the second time around, was falling for a woman who wouldn't love him back. Well, I guess that turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. He should have picked Shawntel, a gorgeous, intelligent, emotionally stable funeral director. Then again, Shawntel deserves better. In the end, she dodged a bullet. 

It's been proven, although quite rarely, that this formula can work to find a mate. Trista, the first ever Bachelorette and her pick Ryan, have been together for seven years and have two kids. But, for the most part, what follows a season of the Bachelor / Bachelorette are disastrous couplings that crash faster than Charlie Sheen in rehab.

Of course, I'm counting down the days until the next season of The Bachelorette premieres in May, followed by the second season of a spin-off show, The Bachelor Pad, this summer. It's anthropological research. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Brad: See how I'm touching your arm with my finger? That means I like you.

Emily: See how my stiff stance indicates that I may be a frigid bitch? That means you're not good enough for me.

Letters to D. - part trois

Hey D.,

Hope all is well at camp. I watched The Bachelorette season finale last night and was quite... underwhelmed. It wasn't nearly as exciting as the last Bachelor finale when we were hoping to God that Jake would pick the sweetie over the skank - at least there was some dramatic tension. Last night was a bust. 

First off, both men were great candidates. I mean, yeah! for Ali, bad for us. Total snoozefest. Then, Ali sends Chris L. home a day early because she realizes she's in love with Roberto and doesn't want to hurt Chris any more than she needs to. So, that pretty much killed the excitement of the rose ceremony. Ali picked Roberto and he proposed. Now they're living happily ever after. The end. 

I was expecting this to be longer. Now I have to make shit up.

Actually, this bit is true. There's a new show, Bachelor Pad, starting next Monday where former contestants from the Bachelor and Bachelorette basically live together, make out and compete for money. Gia, Tenley and crazy Canadian Craig will be on it, along with some other people I don't know. There's crying and accusations of pornographic behavior. Sounds promising. Will keep you posted.

Love,

S.

Falling off the wagon and onto the couch... to watch The Bachelorette

My dearest Sassies, 

I pride myself on being completely honest with you which is why I must confess... I've fallen off the wagon. I've succumbed to the lure of that dark, caffeinated elixir. Yes folks, I'm on coffee again. To read all about my adventures in caffeine withdrawal, click here. 

It all started innocently enough. I thought maybe a cup or two of coffee only on the weekends would be fine. And it was mighty fine, oh yes it was. But then, my consumption slowly crept up to a cup or two a day and I was right back where I started pre-caffeine free. 

There was no particular reason why I got off caffeine, no directive from my doctor or anything like that. I just thought I'd try it out. It was good while it lasted. But somehow, life without that soothing cup o' joe in the morning just didn't feel complete. So there you have it, today's true confession. I hope I haven't disappointed you too much. Don't expect much from me and you won't get hurt.

Speaking of not expecting too much, my boyfriend and I watched the latest episode of The Bachelorette the other night. For those of you who don't watch the show, you may not give a crap about the rest of this post, or you might find it mildly entertaining despite your abhorrence of mediocre reality TV.

From serious social commentary here to The Bachelorette. Yes, this is who I am. A contradiction, wrapped in an enigma, sprinkled with irony, and maybe a touch of cinnamon.

So... Ali is now in Tahiti with her final three men: Roberto, Chris L. and Frank. Her first dates are with Roberto and Chris L. Both were pretty boring to watch. Ali, scantily clad, buff men, mostly shirtless, frolicking about in a tropical paradise. Yawn.

Ali, as it turns out, is very vanilla. I haven't heard her say one interesting thing yet this whole season. They talk about nothing on this show. How are you supposed to build a relationship on something that has the consistency of a marshmallow? I also want to slap whoever was in charge of Ali's "island" wardrobe. There were some truly heinous choices that made Ali look old and fat. Not good.

In this episode, we find out that Frank still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend back in Chicago and goes to visit her, TV cameras in tow. Isn't it great how the producers of this show so blatantly f*ck around with Ali? Brutal. Of course, we've known this for weeks. It's been all over the gossipsphere so it wasn't a surprise, which is too bad. It really killed the "drama" factor. 

Frankly, it was no big loss for Ali (no pun intended), although she didn't see it that way. Frank is an emotional train wreck. Better he be someone else's problem. So that left us with a "no surprises" rose ceremony. Both Roberto and Chris L. were staying on the show for another round of "frolicking about in a tropical paradise". But, as Ali put it, she wanted them to "want" the rose as much as she wanted to offer it to them. Apparently, they did. 

Next week is the "reunion" show where they bring back all the contestants who got booted off and openly gossip about each other. Good times... The following week is the big finale episode. My guess is that by the end of this, we'll find out that Ali isn't with any of these guys, and that she actually hooked up with Jake Pavelka, who she pined for on the last season of The Bachelor before abandoning that show to go back to her job. Of course, it won't last. This show is 2 for 19 people, 2 for 19.

In yo' face Vienna, in yo' face!

Letters to D. - part deux

Dear D.,

Hope everything is super awesome at camp. Here's the latest report from The Bachelorette:

This week's episode consisted of the "hometown / meet the family" dates. First up: Roberto, who is from Tampa, Florida. The two hung out on a baseball diamond, and got all giddy throwing a baseball around; Ali jumped into Roberto's arms when he walked onto the field in his baseball uniform, and he gave her his baseball card, from the days when he played for a team based in Ali's hometown in Massachusetts. She was touched.

Then it was off to Roberto's family's place. They seemed very nice. Ali liked them a lot. They shared a meal and drank some wine. Everyone seemed to like Ali. His dad was a little reticent at first but gave his blessing to Roberto should he be chosen and decide to propose to Ali. Roberto's dad also asked Ali if she would be willing to sacrifice some of her dreams to support Roberto in his. She responded that she would do what was best for her family. Good evasion tactic. The visit finished with some lively dancing in the living room.

Ali was then off to Cape Cod to meet Chis L.'s family. She and Chris frolicked on the beach on a rainy day, playing with Chris' dog. Then, it was time to meet his family. They seemed very nice. Ali liked them a lot. They shared a meal and drank some wine. Everyone seemed to like Ali. Then Chris brought her to the top of this tower thing and they kissed. Kudos to Chris for really kissing Ali, none of this pecking shit. This was a makeout kiss. Ali was also wearing the bracelet Chris gave her in last week's episode. Good times...

Next up: Kirk's family in Green Bay, Wisconsin. At first, Kirk's dad seemed a little creepy as he invited Ali down to his basement to show her his stuffed animals (like, real animals that were alive once but are now dead). Ali was somewhat disturbed. But then they started talking, and it turns out Kirk's dad is a really decent guy. He said one of the most intelligent things I've ever heard on this show: "Are you compatible? If you go off and do your thing and Kirk goes off and does his thing, it won't work." Truer words were never spoken.

Then, they headed to Kirk's mom's place since his parents are divorced. They seemed very nice. Ali liked them a lot. They shared a meal and drank some wine. Everyone seemed to like Ali. Then, Kirk's mother shared a teary story about how inspiring her son is for recovering from some mystery illness a few years back, and showed Ali an old, tattered bracelet she wore to show her support for Kirk during his illness. Apparently, the bracelet mysteriously reappeared on her bed shortly after Kirk left to be on The Bachelorette. She thought it was a sign.

And last but not least, Ali headed to Chicago, Frank's hometown. Frank was a bloody mess, all emotional and uncertain of the situation. He was also wearing a heinous outfit - a white, low-cut tank top thingy with a brown knit sweater. Oy. Then, they went to meet his family. They seemed very nice. Ali liked them a lot. They shared a meal and drank some wine. Everyone seemed to like Ali. 

The boys and Ali then headed back to Los Angeles for the rose ceremony. It was a tough one. Ali cried. She ultimately decided to send Kirk home and keep whiny Frank. As was hinted at by next week's previews, this was a mistake. Ali and her final three guys are headed to Tahiti for the home stretch of this season's Bachelorette. It ain't gonna be pretty. We know Frank's gonna break her heart. Awful fashion is always a bad omen.

Until next week... 

S.

Letters to D.

Dear D.,

Watched The Bachelorette last night. It wasn't quite the same without you... So, here's my report of the night's events:

Ali and her remaining suitors are now in Lisbon, Portugal - very pretty. I am jealous. Ali's first one-on-one date is with Roberto. It goes very well but she feels he's still a bit of a mystery. Whatever. Roberto is a good guy. We know this. At least we think we do. What I don't know, however, is what Ali's problem is.

Then, she has a two-on-one date with Frank and Ty. Awkward... Why does the show allow this? It is so painful to watch. Oh. Maybe that's why. Anyway, Ali found the date really uncomfortable. Duh, of course it was weird, unless you're into threesomes which she clearly is not. Ali spent some "alone" time with Ty first to make sure he wasn't too much of a "traditional" guy and wouldn't mind if she had a job and stuff. I thought he passed the test.

She then had alone time with Frank who revealed that he lives at home with his parents because he quit his job, moved to Europe for a while to go find himself or something, then came back and is currently unemployed. Despite all this, Ali still finds Frank funny and interesting.

Next, Ali has a one-on-one date with Kirk - the guy she apparently really likes to kiss. However, on the date she's very preoccupied and distracted. The thought that the "meet the parents" dates are coming up next seem to be stressing her out. Really? You're traveling around the world, you've got a bevy of hot guys pining for you, and you're stressing? Please. Can you say high maintenance? Ali is starting to annoy me. 

Her next one-on-one is with Chris L. She was having a difficult time understanding her feelings for him and thought their relationship was moving slowly. But then things got better when Chris opened up about his mom, who passed away, and gave Ali a pretty bracelet.

In the end, Ali sent Ty home, and she was wearing Chris L.'s bracelet during the rose ceremony. What could it possibly mean?

BUT, all this turned out to be a prelude for the "pièce de résistance" of the evening: an interview with Jake and Vienna. Holy crap! It was AWESOME. Vienna accused Jake of being emotionally abusive. Jake accused Vienna of cheating. Vienna called Jake a fame whore. Jake said he was "disgusted" by Vienna for selling him out. It was the crack cocaine of reality TV. 

Then, Vienna started talking about her dog and the host, Chris Harrison, cuts in and says something like "We don't really care about the dog." Turns out Chris is actually a cool guy. I like him now. It all pretty much ended when Vienna walked out of the interview, crying, calling Jake cruel, or something. This interview was the icing on the crap TV cake. I almost felt bad that I was enjoying it so much. Almost...

Hope you're having a fabulous time!

Miss you,

S.

No True Blood = Random musings

I'm all for Americans celebrating their great country but not when it messes with my True Blood viewing schedule. I was all pumped last night to watch a new episode at 9 pm, followed by Hung. But lo and behold, HBO was airing the three episodes we've already seen and Hung wasn't even on the schedule. 

Then it dawned on me. It's July 4th - a holiday in the US. Damn. I mean, good for my neighbours to the South but bad for us Canadians who rely on American networks for our TV fix. I was totally discombobulated and had to quickly put together a plan B. 

Luckily, my boyfriend found Family Guy and we watched a couple episodes instead of True Blood. I was reminded of Seth MacFarlane's genius and that of his writing team. F*ck that show is funny, and not an easy, obvious kind of funny. You've got to be paying attention. It's smart people funny, and it cushioned the blow of the absence of a new True Blood episode.

I was also impressed with Americans when I saw the results of a recent Popeater.com/The Insider survey in which Sandra Bullock was voted favorite American while Spencer Pratt and his lovely wife Heidi Montag were voted most embarrassing. This restored my faith in humanity, especially after finding out that a wax figure of Kim Kardashian would be making an appearance at Madame Tussauds. 

That it was generally acknowledged that Spencer and Heidi are a blight on our collective consciousness makes me think there are intelligent people out there. Some days I wonder. Today is not one of those days. For more on Heidi Montag and why Americans should be embarrassed by her, click here and here.

Us Canadians have enough to deal with what with those two complete idiots, Craig and Justin, appearing on the latest season of The Bachelorette. They brought shame to our land and should be punished accordingly - like having to perform lewd acts on trees while wearing a bear costume. Maybe I've been watching too much Family Guy...

Real women in bikinis, Ali dating and Gordon's return

This makes me happy. The French version of Marie-Claire featured "plus-size", in other words, average women, in their latest swimsuit spread. And this past February, the Australian version of the same magazine went completely airbrush-free. Is it possible? Is the fashion industry returning to reasonable ideals of beauty? 

The women featured in this spread are gorgeous and, OMG!, they have curves. They don't look like prepubescent boys on crack. And they're probably actual adult women, not 12-year-olds made up to look like they're 20. They also look like they have real boobs too, not the fake "torpedo tits". 

Kudos to Perez Hilton for highlighting this story. It's not often I come across articles in the gossipsphere that give me the warm fuzzies.

Speaking of warm fuzzies (no pun intended), the second episode of The Bachelorette aired last night. I was actually impressed with Ali. She seemed to have a clear head and called some of the guys on their shit. 

Unfortunately, one of them was a fellow Canadian.  But I can't blame her. He had the crazy eyes, like Michelle on the last season of The Bachelor. And he didn't seem too interested in Ali. Dude was giving Canadian boys a bad name. Although, one Canadian remains and he seems to be the source of future controversy. Boys, represent! You're shaming your fellow Canucks!

Ali's first date was with nerdy but totally hot Frank. I approve. Her next date was with sweet and hunky small-town boy Jesse. I approve. It's also obvious she has a real hankering for smoldering but sensitive Roberto. I approve. Next week's previews looked pretty juicy with Justin, the Canadian pro wrestler, causing some waves. You know I'm counting down the hours. Is that wrong? 

Ohhh!!! And a new season of Hell's Kitchen starts tonight! Damn, that Gordon Ramsay. He ain't pretty but he's hot. And the show is good too. 

 I don't really know how to cook but I'm willing to let you teach me.

Life after Jake

After a fabulous long weekend (here in Canada) with unseasonably warm temperatures and sunny skies, last night it was time to get down to business, and by business I mean the season premiere of The Bachelorette. Proud, I am not. Addicted to certain shitty reality TV series, I am. 

I realized last night as I watched Ali, the new Bachelorette, greet a bevy of hunks vying for her affections, that she is incredibly annoying. I likened it to how pleasant it is to listen to fingernails against a blackboard. I think I may have wanted to slap her at one point just so she would tone it down. I'm all for enthusiasm but that voice. Even when she's happy, there's a whine in it. 

Of course, the drama started almost instantly. Men can be catty too. They've already picked out a male version of Vienna in Justin, a Canadian "entertainment" wrestler. Everyone already seems to think he's there for the "wrong" reasons. How do you know this after having just met the guy? Is it jealousy or what? 

I didn't like Vienna in the end but it took me a few episodes to realize she's a fame whoring ho bag. So really, she and Jake deserve each other. But Justin seems ok at this point. Nothing's happened yet except some serious sucking up to Ali over cocktails. But, of course, if there's no drama, it must be manufactured, especially on a show like this that thrives on cat fights, backstabbing and general sleeziness.

In this season, Ali travels the world getting to know her potential husbands. This, I'm a little jealous of. From Turkey to Iceland to some tropical paradise. Bitch. 

Of course, I'm already looking forward to the shenanigans kicking into high gear in subsequent episodes. Yes, this is what I do in my spare time. Don't judge. You know you'd do the same, if you had no pride. 

Go get 'em tiger!