Baby turtles eat raspberries

My brother-in-law recently posted a video on Facebook about how young adults today seem to lack basic life skills like cooking, sewing, personal finances, etc... As I watched this video, I realized that, to some extent, this was me. I mean, I can do my laundry and make an omelette, but I'm by no means a domestic goddess. I have the ability to cook but I just don't want to. So maybe it's not that I don't have the skills, it's that I'm lazy which I guess is an entirely different problem.

It's become clear to me today that instead of working on my latest play, I will piss away my time on social media and other general time-wastage activities. Watching a baby turtle eating a raspberry may cause me to have my next big idea. I think I entered into a meditative state while watching a toddler scale a rock-climbing gym wall. I mean, that's when I'm open to the muse, when my subconscious can rise to the surface due to my tremendous focus on a singular thing, like videos of cats destroying Christmas trees. Yeah, I know it's July. Don't tell me you don't get nostalgic for Christmas come month seven of twelve.

I just impressed myself there with a semi-Star Trek reference. If you didn't catch it, you're a loser. Get caught up. Wiki Jeri Ryan. Or ask your boyfriend. So we finally got hooked up to Netflix, because the boyfriend and I were tired of being losers too. So now when someone says: "It's on Netflix", I promptly reply: "Seen it, bitch" because I have no life.

Remember Amanda Peet? She was almost famous for a while... like maybe a decade ago. She's the Rom-Com pretty young girlfriend, think opposite Jack Nicholson in Something's Gotta Give. I figured she was an average actress at best. Until I watched HBO series Togetherness, in which Ms. Peet plays one of the main characters and proceeds to blow my f*cking mind. She's absolutely brilliant in this show, making bold choices as an actress and completely unafraid to play someone who's kind of messed up. She's the real deal, friends. Watch this show. Of course, you'll need Netflix, or Apple TV or whatever's not available on your regular cable subscription.

This girl ain't no poser. She's for real.

Now if I could just finish reading the latest Jonathan Franzen novel I started six months ago. Thanks Netflix, and adult colouring books.

When you don't have Netflix

We just finished watching the 2nd season of American Horror Story - Asylum. It took me about three episodes to get into this particular season but around episode 5 or 6, shit got real. I love this show. Just when I think they can't outdo themselves after a killer first season (pun intended), they come up with carefully crafted, brilliantly acted stories that seamlessly intertwine and are all beautifully brought to their conclusion by the end of the last episode.

The 3rd season, American Horror Story - Coven, is currently airing but as is our custom, we f*cked up. We waited too long and now our on demand service only has episodes 2 and 3 available for viewing. We can't possibly miss the first episode. So we've resigned ourselves to waiting another year to see that season.

We even finished watching all five seasons of Breaking Bad (or should I say four and a half seasons). Now we have to wait for the final episodes of Season 5 to come out on DVD. This half-season stuff is bullshit.

We're getting nervous. What the f*ck are we gonna watch? We don't have Netflix (yeah, we're losers, I know) so we either watch stuff on demand or buy DVDs. But now what? What's on TV that's any good? Even Modern Family sucks ass now. It's just not funny. Why the writers thought Gloria should have a baby is beyond me. Jay, Gloria and Manny had such great chemistry together. A baby is completely superfluous and adds nothing that wasn't already there.

My boyfriend's theory is that the writers had kids during the last few years and think kids are funny so they wrote them into the show. Newsflash: unless they're a clone of that super cute kid from Jerry Maguire, young children aren't funny, at least not in a scripted TV show. I much preferred the infant actress who played Lily - she was adorable and didn't say a word - to the 4 or 5-year-old who now plays the role. She's terrible and shouldn't ever speak. Every time she does, the humour just gets sucked out of the scene.

Modern Family used to be sharp and funny. Now it's just a series of tired comedy clichés. Although, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Ty Burrell, who plays Phil Dunphy, still brings it, every time, which makes me respect the guy even more. He can still shine while the show tanks around him. Kudos to you, Ty.

So now we're left with movies and hockey (the boyfriend's a huge Habs fan). It's bleak. Downton Abbey and The Bachelor only start up again in January, a whole two months away. That I just mentioned a celebrated PBS drama and a sleazy, low-brow reality show in the same sentence is disturbing. I'm getting desperate.

Where's a Crack Spirit Guide when you need one...

So there I was, super-excited about the return of HBO's Girls, a show I totally fawned over a few months ago. The boyfriend and I had just settled in, glasses of red wine in hand, and began watching the first episode of Season 2.

To say we were disappointed is an understatement. This show went from smart and sassy to a caricature of itself. We got the feeling Lena Dunham (the show's creator/writer/star/director/producer/caterer/key grip, etc...) read too much of her own press, got too immersed in her own fabulousness, and lost the magic that made the first season of Girls so unique and engaging.

Now the dialogue feels uneven, the jokes forced, the personalities obviously played up. In other words, not believable. It's difficult to connect with characters you just can't take seriously anymore.

It pains me to feel this way since I love seeing one of the sisters succeed, especially in comedy. But Lena, you've lost your way, and now, on the show at least, you've gone from quirky and sweetly dysfunctional to simply annoying. Even the ugliness of your outfits seems too contrived, like you're trying too hard to be "that girl who walks to the beat of her own drum". I get the feeling you're now trying to walk to the beat of the highest bidder.

On the other hand, and perhaps this series can serve as inspiration to Lena, Californication, whose sixth season recently started airing, still manages to surprise us with its sublime writing, lovable losers and increasing depravity.

David Duchovny shines in this series as troubled writer Hank Moody, as does the rest of the ensemble cast in this cocky show (pun intended). When we can watch Hank Moody descend to such depths that he ends up drinking his own urine and think: "Yep, that's Hank." we know we've got a winner on our hands.

In six seasons, Californication has been completely unabashed about its mainly soft porn content. However, the show works because the debauchery is couched in brilliant writing and characters you can't help but love despite all their faults and urine ingestion.

My boyfriend refuses to watch the remainder of Season 2 of Girls, so discouraged was he by the first two episodes, so I'll have to sneak them in on the down low, just out of sheer curiosity and hope that it gets better. Please don't be a one-season wonder, Lena. I'm rooting for you.

I loves that scary shit

What turned a good weekend into a great one? We started watching Season 1 of American Horror Story. I'm trying to remember the last time I was so frightened and riveted for such a sustained period of time. My boyfriend had to mute the intro because he found it so creepy. Extra points for scary awesomeness.

With a cover like this, you know that shit is gonna be f*cked up.

I'd heard the show was great but really had no idea what it was about. Six Feet Under actually sold me on this show since Frances Conroy (a.k.a. Ruth Fisher) is in American Horror Story. Since SFU is probably my all-time favorite show ever, I figured if Frances was in this new show, it had to be good.

Jessica Lange also headlines in AHS and rocks that shit like nobody's business. She still looks amazing too, and naturally so, I might add. She looks like a woman who's aged incredibly well, not like some circus freak trying to turn back the hands of time but like someone who takes care of herself and has embraced the aging process. In other words, she's still hot.

What I like about the whole concept of this show is that it feels like a prolonged horror film. Over 12 episodes, there's time to develop a complicated plot and multi-faceted characters, as well as scare the shit out of you over and over using various plot twists and shooting techniques.

The cast is superb, the writing solid. I'm more and more convinced that television is rendering movies obsolete with its sheer excellence. Shows like Dexter, Californication, American Horror Story, Breaking Bad, just to name a few, are eclipsing film as a story-telling medium since they have the luxury of multiple episodes, story arcs and seasons. But most importantly, they make me feel less bad about my TV addiction, and that's what really matters - contributing in a positive way to my rationalizations of questionable behaviour.

Speaking of questionable behaviour, I got nearly homicidal over a squeaky bike brake this past weekend. My boyfriend and I headed up to a provincial park near our place on a beautiful, sunny November afternoon for a ride in the woods. What should have been a mildly challenging, Zen-inducing ride in nature turned out to be a constant inner struggle against my growing rage.

You see, I got brand-new fancy brakes put on my mountain bike and this was only the second time I was using them. I had just figured out what was causing another rattle on my bike and fixed it, and for a brief 10-15 minutes was enjoying the quiet and beauty of the woods when, lo and behold, another incredibly annoying sound started emanating from my front wheel brake. And it didn't stop. It was my own version of American Horror Story. Stuck in the woods on a squeaky bike, the sound magnified tenfold by the sheer silence of nature.

When I pay what I paid for new brakes, they had better work and be whisper quiet. Those mo fos at the bike shop f*cked my shit up and I was pissed. I tried to be all like: "Well, there's nothing I can do now, so I should just surrender to the situation, and try and enjoy the ride despite this loud, irritating noise." That did not work.

So I went with this instead: "I should just surrender to my anger and resentment over this noise that has effectively ruined what might have been akin to a religious experience." Yeah, that felt right. Just be bitter. Don't try to fight it. It's not like it was the last ride of the season. Oh, except it WAS the last ride of the season and I'll carry that with me until next spring when the bike shop will have fixed the problem and I will erase the memory of this debacle with a wonderful ride on my quiet mountain bike.

I have issues. I am aware.

Wet shirts, breakups and the news

So I notice spots on a brand new shirt I'm only wearing for the second time. You'd think I could let it go until I got home from work and put said shirt in the laundry. But no. This is not how I function. I decided I needed to take immediate action and attempt to cleanse those damn spots. I have a thing about stains. 

So, instead of walking around the office with barely noticeable spots on my shirt, this is what I looked like:

Hmm.... my boobs look good from this angle...

I've also been obsessively reading about TomKat's breakup on The Daily Beast. You know, you start out with one article but then they have the ever so sly "You might also like" which leads to yet another article. Of course, I might also like! Because they're all related to dissecting this high-profile breakup to the enth degree, and each new article is like a line of coke (not that I would know, but I'm guessing it's quite similar).

A part of me secretly likes it when celebrities break up 'cause you know what? They're filthy f*ckin' rich and basically get to play all day, so yeah, a little pain to even things out makes me feel good. 

We started watching Aaron Sorkin's new TV series The Newsroom. Now, I'm a Sorkin fan but it feels eerily similar to that other Sorkin TV show, The West Wing, right down to the sweeping, melodramatic intro.

There's an ensemble cast portraying intelligent, witty, highly accomplished people, and there's a lot of walking around. Instead of the halls of the White House, it's now in a newsroom. 

The scripts are solid and chalk full of interesting facts and there's the obvious undercurrent of critique of current media practices which basically pander to the lowest common denominator and present what can best be described as "infotainment" rather than the actual news. 

However, I can't get past the recycled aspects of this show. Couldn't we have been a little more creative so it didn't feel like The West Wing with a different cast? Just because a TV show was wildly popular at one time doesn't mean we should rehash the same formula over and over again. It was a fresh, new approach back in the day but is now past its expiration date and just feels stale.

Most of the rhetoric contained in these scripts would be better suited to editorial pages and might be more effective as such.

Ooh, I think I got those stains out of my shirt. F*ck ya.

When good shit starts to smell

Why can't TV producers leave a good thing alone? Apparently, the CW will be creating the prequel series to Sex and the City. It will begin with Carrie Bradshaw in her senior year of high school.

Sex and the City started out as an edgy, funny, adult comedy on HBO. There was lots of sex, swearing, some nudity and, of course, great fashion. Then came the movies. Still visually stunning but a whiter shade of sexy, altering the flavour of the original series. Now, a teen prequel on the CW? From HBO to CW? There is no question this is a devolution turning a once great series into teen pap.

I know it's about making money but how long can we milk this thing? Here's where the creators of Sex and the City can learn something from Jerry Seinfeld. He went out on top. His hit series could have continued. NBC certainly wanted it to. But Jerry knew it would be better to stop while you're still at your best. When it ended, Seinfeld left us wanting more.

Sex and the City is now being dragged through the mud, rolled in dirt and stomped on until there's no life left. Frankly, it should have ended with the series finale. It was a gem of a show, and we could have remembered it that way. Now, I'm just getting bitter.

Speaking of sequels (or prequels, or whatever), Kristen Wiig has said no to a Bridesmaids sequel. I hope she sticks to her guns. The Hangover 2 was basically the Hangover, but not as good.

Sure, they brought back that crazy, naked Asian dude, but you know what? It just wasn't funny anymore. That joke was done. Hopefully, the ladies will know better and not mess with their original creation. Bridesmaids was a huge success. Let's just leave it at that.

Apparently, Katherine Heigl wants to return to Grey's Anatomy. Talk about ruining a good thing. Is this show still on TV? The first three seasons of Grey's were awesome. Funny, witty, smart, sexy - it was a show that didn't take itself too seriously.

Then, there were some major casting changes in Season 4, and along with that, a distinct shift towards sophomoric melodrama. I caught a few glimpses of later shows and couldn't even watch five minutes what with the constant wailing and gnashing of teeth.

On a happier note, there was a one-night only performance of Twilight - The Musical in NYC. A parody, of course, and a charity event to raise money for Blessings in a Backpack. When I read the headline, I experienced a moment of sheer terror at the thought of this being an actual, serious musical adaptation of what can only be described as really bad shit.

But then, as I read on, the article depicted a show that poked fun at the ridiculousness of this book series, and all was right with the world. I can only hope Twilight - The Musical will be revived and have a long run on Broadway.

Remember Sleepless in Seattle?

You know when it's been a while since you've seen a show you really love and then you watch it again, and it's even better than you remember? It's been months since we finished watching Season 4 of 30 Rock. We started Season 5 a couple days ago. "It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic." Ok, that's a quote from Sleepless in Seattle. What? I get distracted sometimes. 

Needless to say, my unrequited love affair with Tina Fey was reignited after months of dormancy. This show, there are no words for how clever, funny and smart it is. Oh, I guess there are: clever, funny and smart. Heh.

I want Tina to adopt me. Sure, I'm a grown child, and it's not the same as getting an infant, blah, blah, blah... but I promise to behave. No attempted arson or dependence on prescription meds. Nope. Not this child. Just unadulterated adoration. 24/7.

On another note, I was completely shocked and dismayed upon hearing the news of Ali and Roberto's breakup. For those not familiar with the Bachelor franchise, you may be asking yourselves: Who the f*ck are Ali and Roberto? Well, Ali was The Bachelorette, after being a contestant on Jake Pavelka's season of The Bachelor and ditching the show because she had to get back to her job (puh-lease). She was on her way to being one of the final three! Actually, I blame her abrupt departure for the whole Jake and Vienna debacle. Stupid bitch.

Anyhoo, I guess she decided that "oh-so important" job wasn't really that meaningful because she returned as The Bachelorette with her very own bevy of men to choose from. And she did. She chose Roberto. And they seemed happy. I really thought they would make it. I had hopes and dreams. And now, they're completely dashed.

They just couldn't make it work. She felt his conservative values were clashing with her need for an active social life and career. They had different interests and began to drift apart. Imagine that. You spend six weeks or so in a completely artificial environment with someone and you think you know them. Then they go all "real" on your ass once you've been kicked out of the Bachelor mansion. Unf*ckingbelievable.

Say it ain't so Joe... (I don't know who Joe is, it's a saying, just roll with it)

There I was, innocently perusing the Huffington Post when I came across not one, but two harrowing headlines: 1) a photo of Family Guy characters with the heading: Ending Soon? and 2) '30 Rock' may end this season. In the words of Elaine Benes, from the infamous Seinfeld episode The Contest: "Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? You tryin' to hurt me? You're tryin' to injure me, right? You're tryin' to hurt me..."

Seth MacFarlane has mentioned that there would still be a Family Guy movie every few years  instead of a TV series, but still. What about those years in between movie releases? I get that TV shows have a certain shelf life, and some do pass their expiration date. However, I don't feel that Family Guy has reached that point. 

I was kinda hoping it would be like the Simpsons, seemingly lasting forever. I want to say I understand where Seth is coming from, since change is inevitable and we need to embrace it but if I'm truly honest... f*ck that shit! You can't take away my weekly dose of Family Guy! What will I DO? 

It's the only antidote to political correctness, right-leaning religious fanatics, impotent journalism, broken democracy and vapid entertainment. In other words, it's a necessity to true democratic discourse. It's an anthropological record of 21st Century social mores. Are those enough fancy words strung together to sound like a seriously pondered argument? Good. I have no idea what they mean but they sound intelligent. 

Like that wasn't enough trauma for one day, I find out 30 Rock may be nearing its conclusion. I worship at the altar of Tina Fey. The very thought that this show might end is inconceivable. Why can't it go on indefinitely? I know Tina's had another kid, and Alec Baldwin would like to pursue other projects but c'mon people, you can't leave us in the lurch. 

You can't shower us with your brilliance every week, then just walk away. That's cruel. I mean, if there were other prospects out there, 30 Rock's absence might not be such a frightening thought and, like a break-up, it's always easier when a rebound is lined up, you know? But it ain't a "great comedy" buffet out there, if you get my drift. Shows of this caliber are rare which is why we cling so obsessively to them.

If you're going to produce socially-relevant, jaw-droppingly clever, thigh-slapping, laughter-inducing material, you should resign yourself to the fact that you can never, ever quit.

The one where I realize I'm a TV whore, and not a high-priced one

My vampire fetish has been well documented throughout this blog, on many occasions. Therefore, it's only logical to think that any movie or TV program featuring these bloodsucking fiends would appeal to me. I would dispute this claim except that I was most recently proven wrong, again.

I think I have standards but then something happens that reminds me that, indeed, I do not. Take, for instance, my recent immersion in the teen TV drama Vampire Diaries. It's basically One Tree Hill with vampires. And like One Tree Hill, I was very skeptical at first. Watching the pilot episodes of both these shows was like slowly shoving a fork in my eye. I did not have the faith. My stepdaughter encouraged me to hang in there. So I did.

Last year, we ended up watching six seasons of One Tree Hill in five weeks. There are about 22 episodes per season, at approximately 42 minutes each. You do the math. Once I had made it past the first five or six episodes of the first season of One Tree Hill, I was lapping that shit up like nobody's business.

The same holds true for Vampire Diaries. If you have the fortitude to get past those first few episodes, and the feeling you're simply watching an Abercrombie and Fitch commercial, the storylines, albeit not overly original, suck you in. The layers start to get peeled away, one by one, and you find yourself actually looking forward to the next episode, until it dawns on you - you're hooked.

It can't be any worse than watching America's Next Top Model. Actually, it's pretty much the same show,  with the addition of male actors.

Reality Redux

Sometimes, my boyfriend and I will just be sittin' around, watchin' TV when suddenly, out of the blue, he's struck by a genius idea, or, in this case, a genius thread of ideas. He came up with some, shall we say, alternative concepts, for existing reality shows. I thought they were rather entertaining and somewhat offensive. In other words, I loved them. It would be a shame not to share...

Current show: Mantracker - a highly skilled wilderness dude chases city folk through forests and shit.

New show: Mancracker - women chase men with commitment issues through the urban jungle.

Current show: Survivor - a bunch of scantily-clad people hang out on a tropical island and try to figure out how best to vote each other off the island. The winner gets a big cash prize.

New show: Survivor-in-laws: a bunch of people kind of related to you but not really hang out in your house and you try to figure out how best to get them the hell out. Instead of money, you get your house back.

Current show: Love it or list it - couples decide if the home they currently own is best for them, and determine what they would need in a new home, if they decided to sell. They must then choose between renovating or selling.

New show: Love it or f*ck it: men decide if they really like a girl, or just want to f*ck her.

Current show: Holmes on homes - Mike Holmes, a very knowledgeable contractor dude helps out couples who've had bad-ass renos done by douchebag, sub-par contractors.

New show: Holmes on homos: Mike Holmes, a very knowledgeable contractor dude helps out gay couples who've had bad-ass renos done by douchebag, sub-par contractors.

Current show: My first place - the show follows first-time buyers and their realtors as they navigate the hell that is purchasing your first home.

New show: My first race - follows the transformation of people who have apparently switched races (think Michael Jackson: his first race was African American, his second was apparently an attempt at being Caucasian).

Why my boyfriend is not a highly successful TV executive is a mystery to me... that shit is GOLD.

Never underestimate a good ending

This past week, my boyfriend and I started watching the first season of Breaking Bad. I know, we're a little behind the curve on this one. Season 4 has already started airing and Season 5 has been confirmed, although it will be the show's final season. This already makes me sad and I haven't even started watching Season 2.

I had no idea how extensive Bryan Cranston's acting career has been. I just remembered him as Dr. Tim Whatley, a memorable reoccurring role on Seinfeld. It's a testament to his acting chops and natural charisma that he stood out in a show on which he only occasionally guest starred. He is, of course, sublime as Walter White, the title character in Breaking Bad.

I always wish that truly great TV shows could go on forever even though it's been proven time and again that nothing lasts forever and even good things must come to an end. This got me thinking of good TV endings and bad TV endings. So I thought I'd draw up a list. 'Cause everyone loves lists.

Great ending: Seinfeld

Seinfeld ran for nine glorious seasons and when it was announced that it would end, I was beside myself. How could this show end? It was at the top of its game. There had to be more stories about nothing. I couldn't fathom TV without Seinfeld. 

But to this day, I thank Jerry Seinfeld for deciding to go out on top, leaving us wanting more. Even the "reunion show" assembled for the seventh season of Curb Your Enthusiasm was great and didn't tarnish in any way the original show. It was pitch perfect.

Bad ending: Friends

As much as I loved this show, it should have ended after nine seasons. The tenth was basically a prolonged goodbye episode that sucked the life out of the show. It's like Friends took itself too seriously and got a little too narcissistic towards the end. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. It's as if the show was saying to its viewers "OMG, you are SO gonna miss me! What will you DO when we're off the air?" Umm, change the channel and see what else is on, that's what.

Great ending: Cheers

This beloved, long-running show was one of my faves. In 11 seasons, it never lost its gusto, and the last episode was appropriately touching, a perfect ending to a phenomenal run. Despite some major casting changes (Kirstey Alley replacing Shelley Long; Woody Harrelson stepping in for Nicholas Colasanto), this show thrived on an incredible ensemble cast and supporting characters. It will be remembered with much love and affection.

Bad ending: Roseanne

It pains me to put this show in the "bad ending" category since its first few seasons were rock solid. Relevant, bold storylines, great writing and lovable characters. However, this show lost its way well before it actually ended after nine seasons. One major mistake was to recast the role of Becky (originally played by Lecy Goranson, Sarah Chalke took over the role in Season 6; Lecy came back in Season 8 only to be replaced by Sarah once again in Season 9). 

Recasting is not always a death sentence for a show (see Cheers above). However, recasting someone in the SAME role will kill the show, either quickly, or in this case, over four seasons. Once that was done, I just couldn't buy it anymore. Sarah Chalke is amazing in Scrubs and has some real comedic talent but Lecy was, and always will be, Becky. 

I don't mind shows taking creative risks but the surreal nature of the final season just didn't resonate with me, and I suspect, with many other viewers as well, since Roseanne's rating plummeted from #1 in Season 2 to #35 in Season 9. This show got off to a great start but in the end, crashed and burned.

Great ending: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

After seven incredible seasons, how does one end Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Not to worry, Joss Whedon was on the job. The finale was everything we could have possibly hoped for, and for a show that could get pretty dark due to its subject matter, it ended on a very positive and inspiring note. A fitting end to such a formidable show.

Bad ending: Angel

We can't blame Joss Whedon for this one. Rumour has it he was informed midway through the fifth season that the show would not be renewed, so some major adjustments needed to be made to wrap up Angel much sooner than expected. And that's exactly the feeling I got watching the last half of the final season. The ending left me feeling empty, like it wasn't the proper ending. Something about it just felt... wrong. Kinda like the TV executives who decided to cancel this show well before its time.

The yoga of TV

A colleague of mine recently loaned me the first season of Three's Company on DVD. Watching this show once again instantly brought me back to my childhood, when re-runs would air Monday to Friday. Back then, most of the sexual innuendo went over my head but I loved it nonetheless. It was one of those programs that felt like a warm security blanket, that made everything better, if only for half an hour.

This could explain, in part, my addiction to television. Certain shows, at different times in my life, filled a need to escape, created a safe environment for however long the show lasted. Back in the eighties, shows like Three's Company, Family Ties and the Dukes of Hazard were among my faves. 

Every Friday night, I'd always try to sneak in Dallas which aired immediately after the Dukes of Hazard. I'd sit quietly in our rec room, which was downstairs, while my parents were milling about upstairs and hope my mother wouldn't notice it was past my bedtime. Sure enough, every time, as soon as she heard the Dallas theme song, she would call me up to bed. Damn, I would think, foiled once again!

When I got a little older, I was allowed to stay up later to watch Miami Vice, which led to my unhealthy obsession with Don Johnson and the disintegration of my promising acting career.

In the early nineties, when I was struggling with homesickness and low self-esteem during my first year of university, Beverly Hills 90210 was my saving grace. The kids on the show were also in their first year of university, albeit richer and in a warmer climate. I escaped into their college experience to momentarily forget my own which, although academically successful, was wrought with difficulties, not the least of which was contending with one of the coldest winters I can remember, an apt manifestation of how I was perceiving my environment at that time - cold and inhospitable.

I also had a fiery affair with a short-lived remake of a vampire program, Dark Shadows, starring Ben Cross. After only one season and one hell of a cliffhanger, it went off the air. I was incensed. This, of course, was an early harbinger of my later obsession with vampires, pre-Twilight. Don't get me started on that bullshit... When the spoof Vampires Suck is better than the actual movies, somethin's gotta give.

The mid to late nineties were peppered with great sitcoms: Seinfeld, Friends, Frasier, Roseanne. And, irony of ironies, my dad introduced me to Sex and the City in 1998. He was watching it one night and hollered: "You gotta come and see this!" And then I was hooked. 

These days I'm all about HBO and Showcase and shit. They're producing some of the best TV ever. And it just keeps getting better. Although I would be remiss if I didn't mention two of my network faves, 30 Rock and Modern Family.

Throughout my life, television programs have been there, like a faithful friend, momentarily suspending reality and allowing me to escape into some other universe. Not that my life was filled with hardship. Quite the opposite, actually. I was, however, struggling with what everyone faces in their lives: self-doubt, low self-esteem, perfectionism (my own), relationships with family, friends and boys, societal expectations, etc...

Say what you will about TV and, for the most part, its ever devolving content, it still provides a reprieve from reality, from fears and frustrations, demands and expectations, and simply allows me to be. It's the yoga of TV.

Whip out the octagon - a married couple is fighting

Not that this reality show could top Toddlers and Tiaras on the "will cause me nightmares for months to come" scale, but it deserves an honorable mention. 

A few months ago, we started watching The Marriage Ref. Apparently, it got some lukewarm reviews but we stumbled upon it one evening and the celebrity panel of "advisers" on that particular episode convinced us to stick with it.

Imagine, if you will, Larry David, Madonna and Ricky Gervais doling out advice on marital issues to Tom Papa, the hilariously entertaining marriage ref. My boyfriend and I are convinced we saw Tom open for Jerry Seinfeld, but we can't be sure. We were either sitting too far from the stage to distinguish facial features or we were very drunk at the time. But I digress.

For the most part, The Mariage Ref is entertaining. The celebrity panel and ref watch videos sent in from married couples detailing their "problem du jour", mostly trivial domestic spats, the panel discusses it, advises the ref on it, the ref makes a final decision and informs the married couple who "won". 

This is all good and dandy except that my boyfriend and I started noticing a disturbing trend. Most of the women in these couples were nagging bitches while the men seemed generally accommodating and sweet. Of course, there were one or two exceptions where the guy was a douchebag but it was rare. 

What we were witnessing were not relationships but power struggles. This got me thinking... Is this what most relationships/marriages are like? One of the two people involved basically bosses the other one around, treating them like a family pet while the other tries to fulfill his/her partner's needs until he/she is pushed to the point of utter exasperation?

Dude, that is harsh. The very word "relationship" implies a balance of give and take. We are living "in relation" with another being. A relationship shouldn't be a space where you act out your childhood issues - that's what therapy is for.

I suspect there's also a common misconception among women that to express their "girl power", they need to outwardly display their dominion over the relationship. That is a fallacy. This type of sophomoric "do what I say or I'll withhold sex" (for example) is using force which is not the same thing as personal power, meaning your sense of control over your own life and decisions. 

Exerting force in a relationship may get you what you want in the short term. However, in the long term, it will succeed in pushing people you care about out of your life. Cultivating a sense of personal power has nothing to do with controlling others - it has everything to do with getting to know yourself and deciding what is best in any given situation, for you and, here's the kicker, for OTHERS as well. 

Personal power is about finding out what your "buttons" are and disabling them so others can't easily "push your buttons", it's about working on your shit and becoming a better person. It's about not blaming everyone else, namely your partner, and looking inward instead. 

Unfortunately, it seems women have placed men in one of two categories: doormat or misogynist. In our post-feminist world, I fear the pendulum has swung too far the other way. Yes, women were horribly oppressed for a bazillion years but now, ladies, it looks like we're doing the oppressing. 

We need to find that middle ground again. Man is not the enemy, and trying to control anyone besides ourselves is a useless endeavour, one that usually leads to deep-seated resentment and alienation of affection by the very people we claim to love.

Glee fatigue

I hate it when this happens. When a really good, promising new show turns to shit. Glee had a great first season. Entertaining story lines, great musical numbers and colourful characters. Unfortunately, it's being crushed by the weight of its own success.

In its initial season, stories begat musical numbers. Now, episodes are built around songs or "themes". I watched this week's episode on our On Demand service and found myself fast-forwarding through most of the songs. A few lines of dialogue; then singing; repeat = zzzzzzzzzzz.

Glee got too big, too soon and is burning out faster than a two dollar hooker on payday. The characters now seem uninteresting; they've become caricatures of themselves. I blame the writers. I don't know what they're smoking but it's not the good kind. 

Lea Michele's character Rachel Berry was somewhat endearing in the first season. Now I just want to punch her in the face. Not to mention Lea now suffers from "lollipop syndrome" where her head is bigger than her body. Sadly, it appears that Lea caved to the pressures of Hollywood and has probably stopped eating altogether. 

Lea also performed the classic Britney Spears song One More Time and was dancing like she was made out of cardboard. Much to my surprise, it was awful. On the other hand, Heather Morris, who portrays dumb blond cheerleader Brittany rocked her Spears number. That girl can shake her thang and looks like a wo-maaan, if you get my drift.

Unfortunately, the writers are set on ruining her character. Brittany used to unleash a priceless zinger every once in a while, when we least expected it. That's what made her one-liners funny. Now, the writers cram as many as they can into one episode. Not funny. Desperate, more like. Which is too bad because I like this character. Or should I say, liked.

Artsy gay boy in "look at me, I'm gay" fashion = annoying; voluptuous black girl with constant sour look on her face = annoying; wheelchair-bound nerd = annoying; requisite slutty cheerleader = annoying; requisite bad boy jock = annoying. The writers need to transform these one-dimensional stereotypes into real people we actually care about. 'Cause I'll tell ya, right now, I don't give a crap. 

This show needs to be more story-driven and less focused on the bright spotlight placed upon it. Go back to your roots, Glee. Remember why you started in the first place because I think you've lost your way in the dense bog of sudden fame and fortune. Stop pandering and regain your artistic integrity. 

Memo to Glee writers: when in doubt, watch Once More With Feeling, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode (Season 6, episode 7). It will teach you all you need to know.

The one redeeming quality of this show is Jane Lynch. She's still funny and sassy and doggone it, I like Sue Sylvester. 

 Thank you Jane, for making me not entirely give up on Glee just yet.

It's a miracle! A Christian miracle!

Oh Universe, you never cease to amaze me. Just a few days after this post, I attended a Power Yoga master class with Bryan Kest. If I had to pick a guru, he would be it. A swearing, burping, no holds barred Californian yogi, he cuts through bullshit like nobody's business. It was the most refreshing and authentic yoga class I've ever taken. Dude, you ROCK.

He also mentioned that ANYTHING in moderation is fine. My bacon eating, wine drinking, reckless spending ways thank you Bryan. I know, I know, moderation is key. I'll try to keep that in mind... 

In other news, we finished watching the final Season of Lost this past weekend. When it was all over, the only word that came to my mind was: Huh? I was not satisfied in the least with the ending. 

Sure, there were many moments that caused me to tear up ever so slightly (masterful emotional manipulation on the part of the writers and director) but so many questions were left unanswered. You can only distract me so long with Hallmark channel-like melodrama. Once that drivel is over with, I will still want answers.

I have to give the creators and writers props for having the courage to delve into some deep, philosophical shit. However, there are gaping holes still shrouded in mystery. I feel like there could have been an additional season, explaining all the things that were just left there, unanswered. 

Ending it in a church, with all those religious overtones; and the whole good vs. evil, Cain and Abel biblical story, etc. that permeated the final season was a bit too... conventional. I expected more from this show, especially after the complexity of the previous seasons.

I'm not sure why they decided to end it after six seasons (too expensive? too intelligent?) but that was a bad call. This show had something, until it went all born again Christian on our ass. If I'm not mistaken, the Republican Party doesn't own ABC. They have Fox. Why so greedy? Can't you give us free-thinking liberals some breathing space? Bastards. When in doubt, I blame the Republicans.

Post True Blood blues

Perhaps it's the grief caused by the end of True Blood's third season that made me do it. I don't know. But I've reached new lows in my TV watching habits. 

Last night, I was laughing my ass off watching Wipeout - a quality program that showcases people on giant, padded obstacle courses situated over a body of water. The comedy comes from watching these folks get pelted into the water by some giant swinging thingy or losing their footing and smacking themselves against something on their way down. 

I think my eldest stepdaughter was trying to stage an intervention when she bought me the first season of Parks and Recreation for my birthday. My suspicion is that she was attempting to counteract the effects of Bachelor Pad. Oh yes, I watched that gem of a show diligently until the season finale last Monday night. The next season of The Bachelor starts in January. It's sad that I know that and am looking forward to it. 

In my defense, we are making our way through the last season of Lost on DVD. The further in we get, the more interesting it's becoming. And dammit, I want answers! I did not come this far for nothing! And I have every intention of watching Parks and Recreation which is approved programming by my stepdaughter. 

The good news is that Season 5 of Dexter premieres on September 26. Thank God. With the end of True Blood's latest season, and a long wait until the next one, I'm feeling a dark chasm, a deep void. Of course, I can always watch it again on our On-Demand service. But it's not quite the same as new material.

Although, watching reality TV is really research for me. I have to watch it. Because I blog about it. It's an anthropological study of contemporary social mores. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. And it makes me sound really smart... or something.

The "secret" channel

While on vacation, one's addictions do not abate. Hence, my desire to consult the channel list immediately upon arrival in our hotel room in Maine. To my horror, HBO was not listed. How could this be? I HAVE to watch True Blood. Do these people not know this? Like every addict, it's all about ME and my needs. 

After having carefully reviewed the list numerous times and still not finding any trace of HBO, I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to wait and watch my missed episodes on our on-demand service once we got home. Two weeks without my fix. F*ck. 

Fast forward to the following evening...

It's a Sunday night and we had just finished watching No Country for Old Men (fabulous movie - love the brothers Cohen) when we decided to channel surf before calling it a night. It's almost 10 o'clock when we fall upon none other than an episode of True Blood. "Change the channel! Change the channel!" I yell. "I can't see the ending before I've seen the episode!" Then, I had a "what the f*ck just happened?" moment. "What channel was that?"

It was channel 5. I double-checked the channel guide. It skipped from 4 to 6. HBO was the "secret" channel, privileged information, if you will. So, we decided to watch Mad Men, then return to HBO for a late viewing of True Blood (God Bless them for airing an encore on the same night). Turns out the Universe was looking out for me, in Maine at least.

I was HBO-less during our second week of vacation in Cape Cod but felt subdued by our "secret" channel discovery. One week I could live with. I could wait a few days. 

This whole incident brought to light the depth of my television obsession. I was like a diabetic in a sugar factory when we found that channel, fit to be tied, delirious with excitement, anticipating my next high which was much nearer than initially expected. 

It's not like I was waiting for my next puff off a crack pipe. Yes, this is how I rationalize it. I dare you to tell me otherwise.

Bisexuals and vampires and witches, oh my!

Well slap my ass and call me Charlie! Anna Paquin is bisexual. Now that is news. Totally unexpected, out of the blue, smack you in the face kind of news. I wonder if her fiancé knew about this prior to their engagement. Of course he did, that's probably why he's marrying her. A threesome? Oh honey, if that's what'll make you happy, then sure, let's have a threesome. 

They should exploit this on True Blood. I mean, the show is soft porn already. Why not take it up a notch? Don't get me wrong. I LOVE True Blood and am counting down the days until the Season 3 premiere on June 13. A bisexual story line could certainly spice things up. 

Look at Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She was straight for the first three seasons, then turned into an all-powerful lesbian witch in Season 4. And it worked. I bought it. There also would have been no Tara if Willow had remained your run of the mill hetero. And we love Tara. We'll love Anna too, whether she's making out with boys or girls. 

He's thinking: She's into vampires and chicks. Score!

Look at these two. Just makes your heart melt doesn't it?

Well, my dearest Sassies, it's Easter weekend which means 4 glorious days off for yours truly. This will have to tide you over until early next week. There are some new posts on Oedipal Odyssey as well to regale you over the weekend.

Happy Easter y'all!

Commercial-ridden TV is so passé

It's the newer version of "video killed the radio star". "DVD killed the TV watching star". 

The premiere of the final season of Lost aired last night. Back in the day, I would have counted down the hours, made the popcorn, taken my place under my faux-fur blanket on the couch and savored this momentous occasion. However, with the advent of DVDs, this is no longer the case.

I shunned the premiere on "regular" TV, with those pesky commercials. I chose to wait until the DVD comes out, when I can watch it like a food addict gorging on a box of Ho-Ho's - without interruption. I did the same with Weeds. 

Sure, you wait a few months after the season is done airing but it is so worth it. Unless a series is on The Movie Network or HBO. That's different. There are no commercials. However, in this case, there is a  week-long wait between episodes and sometimes long waits between seasons. But their shows are so good, you wait, without protest.

Call me spoiled but I blame DVDs and specialty cable channels. Who the hell wants to watch TV with commercials if you don't have to? Especially when it comes to your favorite shows?  

I say we do away with commercials all together. They suck. Everyone can agree on that. Sure, they're a major source of revenue for TV networks, but come on people, let's get creative and think of other, less annoying ways to sell products and make television profitable.

Now, when I've exhausted my options on DVD or specialty cable channels, I've been forced to dumb down my television viewing. Why, you ask? Because network television has gotten that bad. And I'm a TV addict. 

Sure, I could do something more productive with my time, but why? I'm now thoroughly enmeshed in the latest season of The Bachelor (quelle horreur!), Dragon's Den and Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.

Six Feet Under my emotions

There are times when I realize television shows can have a higher purpose than mere diversion. I recently watched the last four episodes of the final season of Six Feet Under, one after the other, all in one shot. It was probably the most intense four hours of TV watching I can remember. 

I'd originally seen these episodes about four years ago and basically remembered what happened. Back then, I watched the entire last season in two days. It's strange what time does to you. I remember them being somewhat sad and, as always with this show, riveting, but not much more than that. I was not prepared for the emotional upheaval the second time around.

I don't know if it's age or different life circumstances but for four hours, I cried like a baby. And just when I thought I was done, I cried some more. Six Feet Under is not merely a TV show about the Fisher family's funeral business. It plumbs the depths of the most basic and universally frightening existential concepts: life and death, and still manages to be humourous and entertaining. 

The same thing happened not too long ago when I watched Season 5 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer a second time. Not only did I have a brand new appreciation of Season 5 in its entirety, but the few episodes dealing with the death of Buffy's mother (ironically, given the nature of the show, by natural causes), moved me to tears. 

My natural penchant for philosophical enquiry keeps me glued to shows like these, despite my deep-seated fear of the inevitability of death and the temporary nature of everything, that surfaces when exposed to these themes.

One thing I do know, in those moments when I'm sitting on the couch, clutching my faux-fur blanket, tears streaming down my face, raw with emotion, is that this is TV in its highest form, a true art, gliding past superficiality and exposing the soft underbelly of humanity - not to torment, but to tell the story of our shared experience.