Monday, March 18, 2013

Eat responsibly. It could save a life.

A new grocery store opened down the street from us a few days ago, a new location of one of our favorite chains. I nearly wet myself when we went for our inaugural shop in the new digs. Feeling that much excitement over a grocery store concerned me for two reasons: 1) this is a sure sign that I'm getting old and 2) this will only encourage my sloth due to its proximity to our house.

And today, a liquor store is opening right next door to the new grocery store. This is my chance to finally get on that liquid diet I've always wanted to try. We're going to buy a bottle of wine there tonight to help support local businesses, 'cause that's how we roll.

I'm eating grapes right now just to stay awake. The Walking Dead isn't the kind of show that should be watched just before bed. It can f*ck you up. I had a fitful, waking dream kind of sleep. What's funny is that I asked myself, just a few moments ago, why I felt so tired today. I thought: "Wow, weird." Then I realized: "Not weird. I didn't f*cking sleep last night". So I can justify being a bitch today. Mothafuckahs.

We recently purchased all four seasons of The O.C. I had mixed feelings about this and wasn't sure what to expect. I mean, I love Peter Gallagher as an actor but then there's Mischa Barton, and there's just no excuse for her. What I didn't expect was this show to be so funny. Not because Mischa's so blatantly awful but because Adam Brody has emerged as a prodigious scene stealer. Mischa's character tried to kill herself a couple episodes ago. The writers should have let her succeed.

Know what happens when you eat a lot of Cadbury Cream Eggs, besides a diabetic coma? There comes a time when you've just had enough. No, it's not because you've passed out after too much wine. I mean, what? There seems to be a point where the body is satiate and no longer requires a massive sugar overload and the feelings of euphoria that follow.

So, if you're craving something sweet or fried, gorge yourself on the stuff. Don't bother with some weak transgression like: "Oh, just this once, maybe I'll cheat a little." No. Go to Costco, get the bulk box of Cream Eggs, or whatever it is you're craving, and stuff your face. Guaranteed, you won't want any more for months. However, eat responsibly. It could save a life.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Tick Tock, it's one hour ahead o'clock

Why can't we just gain another hour for Daylight Savings Time. You know, Fall Back, Spring Back. Then we'd be continually gaining time. Or how about we don't change the time at all. It was probably useful when we didn't have electricity or caffeine but it's kind of a moot point in modern times, you know?

More importantly, it f*cks me up. I couldn't get my ass out of bed this morning and I've been dragging it around ever since. My head's all foggy and I feel tired. Why? Because I was robbed of an entire hour. So there could be more daylight.

You know what, though? The days were already getting longer without any help from us. Why f*ck with Mother Nature? 'Cause I tell 'ya, the way I'm feelin' right now, she's having the last laugh. "Look at those fools, trying to manipulate daylight to extend their already over-strenuous activities. I'm gonna f*ck 'em up good."

I don't blame Mother Nature. If we'd just leave shit the f*ck alone, this wouldn't happen. Like last night, it was 7 o'clock but it really felt like 6. It was late but felt early so you don't want to go to bed when you should because it's practically still light out but then you end up going to bed later than usual, you're tired the next day, and left wondering why you feel like you're on tranquilizers.

I disagree with this whole time change business. Even in the fall, when we gain an hour, it's depressing because it's pitch black at 4 pm. I don't want to know what that feels like unless I'm in some arctic location where it can't be helped. We do it on purpose. Why? To get a little extra light in the morning? It's like we can't accept that days are getting shorter at that time of year so we f*ck with things under the misguided assumption that we're maximizing whatever daylight is available.

Except we're not. We're screwing with our internal clocks, creating a form of landborne jet lag.

I could also be suffering from sugar withdrawal after having gorged on Cadbury Creme Eggs for the past couple weeks. But I prefer to not blame myself for my lack of energy.


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