Oscar redux. Yeah, it's a few days late. On purpose.

You know, Ryan Seacrest, you're a f*cking sourpuss. Sacha Baron Cohen made you more famous than you could ever be on your own in only a few seconds. So your Oscar outfit was messed up with fake ashes (or were they?). EVERYONE was talking about it the next day, and frankly, I would have been much more impressed with you had you smiled and gone along with it.

But no. Why? 'Cause you're a douchebag. Sacha Baron Cohen dwarfs you in intellect and originality. You're the vanilla to his Rocky Road, the flaccid to his hard-on, the wet noodle to his crispy bacon. You get the idea. Why not appreciate that he basically just put you on the map of super-stardom, if only momentarily, and ride the wave. You suck.

On another note,  Angelina Jolie's right leg seems to have eclipsed any other newsworthy bits from Oscar night. Frankly, it's a bit too skinny. There's very little shape to it.

Stick-like, at best.

Now THAT is a great leg. Long, shapely, even somewhat athletic, one might say. 

Thank you, Cindy Crawford

I mean, don't get me wrong, I know a vast percentage of the male, and female, populace lust after Angelina. It's clearly evident that she's attractive, and let's face it, we all suspect she has a touch of the crazy, which makes her that much more alluring. Because, obviously, that translates into freakish sex, and who doesn't want that?

Now that I'm on Twitter, I'm been privy to the new @AngiesRightLeg Twitter account which now has 45, 276 followers. I don't even want to think about how dumb the vast majority of people must be for this to have become such a phenomenon. Really? Some starlet's leg? We don't have anything else we could possibly obsess about? 

This will do wonders for young girls with eating disorders the world over. I hate people.

I make laugh. I genius.

Gotta give a shout out to ma Bridesmaids ladies! Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo got an Oscar nod for Best Original Screenplay and Melissa McCarthy for Actress in a Supporting Role. This is truly momentous given that the movie is a comedy. Oscar doesn't generally like comedies, and seldom are they nominated for much of anything.

There are, of course, a few standouts. Little Miss Sunshine won Best Picture, as did Alan Arkin for his unforgettable supporting role in that same movie. Diablo Cody won Best Original Screenplay for Juno (it would have been a crime if she hadn't - it's one of the most finely written comedies, ever).

For some reason, Oscar thinks comedy is ghetto, a lesser version of drama. I beg to differ. As a writer of comedies for the stage, I can tell you it's much easier to write drama than it is to write a good comedy - the key word here being "good". It's easy to write shit. But quality comedy is not for the faint of heart. 

There are so many nuances of funny, and knowing how to layer them to get the most bang for your buck is very challenging. Writing comedy is not merely about writing jokes or one liners. It's finding humour where you least expect it, and requires an in-depth knowledge of language and how to use it. Californication is a great example of this. On the surface, this show could easily be dismissed as soft porn but if you really listen to the dialogue, it's sublime - some of the best writing on television.

Aptly performing comedy, I would argue, is also more difficult than portraying a dramatic role. People can be made to cry easily through blatant emotional manipulation but making them laugh out loud, from the gut, now that is an accomplishment. In Little Miss Sunshine, the ensemble cast was outstanding, and the defective van horn comedic genius.

Shitting yourself on a city street in a wedding gown is also genius, in the sense that the writers of Bridesmaids didn't shy away from being gross or honest about how women really feel. It was funny because it was true. 

That being said, I recently found out that Hangover 3 is now in the works. I just feel embarrassed for the cast of this movie, its stars now demanding salary hikes for the third installment. They're completely ruining what was originally a very funny concept. Another sign of good comedic writers: they know when to quit and move on to another story. They recognize when they've written an absolute gem and don't try to tarnish it with lesser versions of the same thing.

Sure, I'm aware screenwriters are probably offered shitloads of money to write sequels to very successful movies but, as a writer, I wouldn't want a crap sequel on my résumé. 

Here's hoping Oscar loved Bridesmaids enough to bestow its golden beauty upon it and further legitimize comedy as an art form.

The train wreck that was last night's Oscars telecast

I will begin my post-Oscar dissection with this lovely quote from my boyfriend, stating his feelings on last night's telecast: "Why are we watching this show with people we don't know, accepting awards we don't care about at an event that is irrelevant. Thank God there's a repeat of the Family Guy Christmas Special."

I must concur. Last night's Oscars ceremony was a complete disaster, probably the worst I've ever seen. As much as I like Anne Hathaway and James Franco, they fell flat as the show's hosts, as in flatlined. They were lifeless, without natural chemistry, painfully boring. Tragic, considering they're both very talented actors. However, having chosen them to host the Academy Awards was a mistake, a momentary lapse in sound judgment.

There was a mildly entertaining video montage to kick off the show highlighting the best picture nominees but as soon as the show went live, with Anne and James on stage, the whole thing fell apart. It was awful. I felt like the audience was laughing out of pity because frankly, why else would they be laughing? Nothing the hosts said or did was funny.

Another mistake: asking Kirk Douglas to present the Best Supporting Actress award. Yes, we all know Kirk is a Hollywood icon and we adore him. BUT, the man still suffers from devastating after effects of a stroke. His speech is slurred and erratic. This does not a good presenter make. If he was making a speech after receiving a lifetime achievement award, that would be different. I would have gladly and patiently listened to him. 

Dear Academy: please make sure your presenters can speak clearly and swiftly. Listening to Kirk Douglas trying to be funny was like listening to nails on a chalkboard. I know this may not be a politically correct statement to make but since when do I give a flying f*ck about political correctness?

The writers made the best acceptance speeches last night, notably Aaron Sorkin, for the screen adaptation of The Social Network and David Seidler for the original screenplay of The King's Speech. Those writers, they're a witty bunch. Colin Firth's speech after having won the Best Actor award was also pleasantly amusing, and, it's Colin Firth. Anything he says just sounds so... yummy.

Apart from a few scarce, barely entertaining moments, I sensed a tangible undercurrent of apathy at this year's Oscars, especially from a younger generation of actors such as Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. Perhaps these awards are slowly but surely losing their appeal and on their way to becoming relics of a past era.

If a repeat of the Family Guy Christmas Special is much more appealing than the Academy Awards, then perhaps slipping into insignificance is not a bad thing. And just to be clear, the Family Guy Christmas Special is a masterpiece, not to be easily outdone by beautifully adorned, self-congratulatory Hollywood glitterati.

Super awesome and super sucky Golden Globe moments

OF COURSE I'm blogging about the Golden Globes today. Was there really any doubt? This year, my boyfriend and I actually sat through the whole show - a rarity since it gets incredibly boring, incredibly fast. But I'm glad I did because now I can recap some of my fave and not so fave moments. 

Super-duper awesome Golden Globe moments:

1 - The red carpet pre-show: I think it may be more interesting than the actual awards ceremony. 

2 - Ricky Gervais as host. I love this guy. He just goes for it. Some of his jokes last night were met with resistance from the audience, such as his reference to certain prominent Scientologists being secretly gay. I cherished those moments. It was akin to an episode of Family Guy.

3 - Michael Douglas attending the Golden Globes cancer-free. To see Michael and his gorgeous wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones stroll down the red carpet hand-in-hand was a beautiful sight. It warmed the cockles of my cold, cold heart.

4 - Robert DeNiro's acceptance speech after being presented with the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. Robert followed in Ricky's footsteps. Some of his jokes were off-colour, the audience hesitating to react. Needless to say, I loved it. He steered clear of a schleppy, smarmy, boring speech. It was thoroughly entertaining. Kudos to you Mr. DeNiro.

5 - Paul Giamatti's freakin' awesome shout-out to the city of Montreal and to Canada, calling it a "great nation". As a Canadian, this was a proud moment. President Bush didn't even thank Canada on Sept. 11, 2001 when thousands of American airline passengers were diverted to Canadian airports. Paul Giamatti - you f*cking rock.

6 - Steve Buscemi's Best Actor win for Boardwalk Empire. Ever since I saw Fargo, I've had a special place in my heart for Mr. Buscemi and seeing him win was indeed a fine moment.  

7 - Colin Firth's Best Actor win for The King's Speech. It's Colin Firth. Need I say more?

Super sucky Golden Globe moments:

1 - Any award that was given to cast members and to the show Glee. I'm sorry but the 2nd season of Glee sucks ass and in every category it won, the competition was WAY better. I was incensed, to say the least. 

Chris Colfer's win for Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Colfer's character this season has done nothing but whine and play the victim. All he's been good at is being thoroughly irritating. I loathe these types of "poor me" story lines, and to be rewarded for it reeks of victimhood worship.

Jane Lynch's win for Best Actress in a Supporting Role: As much as I adore Jane Lynch, her character on Glee is one-dimensional, hasn't evolved in the 2nd season, and wasn't deserving of a Golden Globe, not when she was up against Julia Stiles for a riveting performance in Dexter's 5th season and Sofia Vergara of Modern Family. 

That Glee won for best comedy/musical against the likes of Modern Family and 30 Rock is preposterous. Glee isn't remotely in the same league as those brilliant comedies. Dear Hollywood Foreign Press: get your head out of your ass!

2 - The Kids are Alright being placed in the category of "Comedy or Musical". Did the Hollywood Foreign Press even see this movie? It IS NOT a comedy or a musical, not even remotely close to being either of those two things. It's a DRAMA, people.

3 - Scarlett Johansson's hair. She looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. 

Ummm.... no.

All in all, a mildly entertaining evening. Of course, we missed a new episode of Californication last night, which should have been nominated for best Comedy/Musical, and its star David Duchovny, for Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical. But to compare Californication to the insipid Glee would defile its excellence.

Also, note to self: must see The Social Network.

Real TV > awards for TV

You'd think that, being a TV addict, I would be all over the Emmy awards, like Paris Hilton and her blow.

Well, you would be wrong. I did not watch the Emmys last night. We had company over for dinner, and that sufficiently distracted me from remembering they were even airing. Then, a new episode of True Blood was on. True Blood >Emmys. Followed by Mad Men. The only reminder I had that the Emmys even happened was when I looked over at the newspaper my boyfriend was reading this morning, my eyes still glazed over, trying to shake off last night's slumber.

Part of me felt like I had really dropped the ball. Me, of all people, should be watching the Emmys. But I totally bailed. Not voluntarily, mind you, but still. I felt some shame for my memory lapse. So I got all caught up today on the nominees, the winners and the losers, and was slightly dismayed by my findings.

(Note to self: I do like simply looking up the results the next day instead of subjecting myself to crappy, smarmy award shows. Must remember in future.)

So... Modern Family wins for best comedy series. Hmm. Curb Your Enthusiasm's Seinfeld non-reunion didn't clinch it? Or Nurse Jackie? Or 30 Rock? This does not sit well with me. 

Next, Mad Men wins for best drama series. I admit, I am a fan of the show. But it was up against True Blood and Dexter. There is no comparison. Mad Men = good. True Blood/Dexter = life changing, soul shattering experience. This does not sit well with me.

Where was Dexter's Jennifer Carpenter in the list of nominees for best supporting actress in a drama series? HUGE oversight. This does not sit well with me.

Edie Falco wins lead actress in a comedy series for Nurse Jackie. Yes, I agree with this. The only other contender against Edie would be Toni Collette for United States of Tara. I love my Tina Fey but Edie and Toni, they're in a category by themselves. 

Jane Lynch wins best supporting actress in a comedy series for Glee. YES. Need I say more?

A couple actors from Breaking Bad won some awards as well. I have a feeling I should start watching this show. Word on the street is it's pretty good. Must follow up.

Emmy loves irony and La Lohan's words worth $1 million

Well, well, well.... The Emmy nominations are out and there was a delicious little surprise - The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien was nominated but not the The Tonight Show with Jay Leno - and both were submitted for consideration. Karma's a bitch. 

Not surprisingly, Glee garnered 19 nominations. I'm kind of happy for them but my enthusiasm for this show has waned. At first, I was all "Oh my God, Glee is on! Drop everything and proceed to the television!" But by the season finale, I was like "Meh." It's fun and all but kind of empty. It's not really speaking to me anymore. Perhaps this will change during Season 2, perhaps not. The one person who keeps me coming back to this show is Jane Lynch. I think as long as she's in it, I'll keep watching, just to see what great lines they've given her, and Jane's brilliant delivery of said dialogue. 

On another note, where the hell is Weeds in all this nomination business? It's one of the most brilliant comedies on television and doesn't even get a nod? WTF? Stupid award shows. Why do I even care? It's like the Oscars. Every year, I'm incensed by someone the Academy overlooked or an Oscar that goes to someone who doesn't really deserve it. Obviously, I have all the answers and could confer all Oscars on the winners I deem appropriate, and everyone would agree with me. I'm glad we understand each other.

Next up, Lindsay Lohan will apparently be demanding at least $1 million for her first post-jail interview. Huh? That interview isn't worth 2 cents. What has Lindsay got to say that's worth that much? What kind of wisdom can she impart on us peasants that would make our lives better? 

Being an addict and getting thrown in the slammer will apparently be a bigger payday for Lindsay than any legitimate acting gig. So kids, the lesson here is: become famous, screw up your life real good with drugs and general f*ckery, get yourself thrown in jail, and boom! massive paycheck. And all this time, I thought Lindsay was just some skanky attention whore. Clever, Linds, clever.

Oscars lack discernment this year

Well, my dearest Sassies, it happened, as I knew it would. That piece of shit movie, glorifying what Michael Moore dubbed " a fictitious war, started by a fictitious president" at the 2003 Oscars, won best picture at last night's Academy Awards. 

If it weren't for the fact that The Hurt Locker was so tediously boring and cliché, I could be happy that the first female ever won the best director Oscar. But alas, I cannot share in this joy. Not for that movie.

There were far superior flicks in the best picture category. That they chose a douchey movie on the war in Iraq while winners dedicated their Oscars to the troops reeked of overinflated, underinformed patriotism. I try to like the Americans, but then they pull this kind of shit. 

I knew we were in trouble when The Hurt Locker won two awards early on for sound editing and mixing. At least all the acting award winners were judiciously chosen. This seemed to ease my frustration.

I was especially happy Sandra Bullock won the award for best actress. I like that girl a lot. She's the real deal. Talented, smart, funny, hot. Killer combo. And now she's an Oscar winner. This brings joy to my heart. Christoph Waltz, Mo'Nique and Jeff Bridges also richly deserved their awards. Bravo to the Academy for at least that much. 

I wasn't sure about the hosting. I like Steve Martin and adore Alec Baldwin. Some bits were funny but in all, it felt really tacky, like, overly so. Almost cringe-inducing.

Then there was the "next generation" - Miley Cyrus, looking slutty in her bustier top dress, and Kristen Stewart who quite possibly gave the worst Oscar presenter's speech ever. She was completely devoid of poise which simply indicated to me what I already know - this girl can't act worth shit. She can't even present at the Academy Awards! Kristen is a totally overblown ingénue. When will the film industry clue in to this? 

Her colleague, Anna Kendrick, on the other hand, was the picture of grace and elegance, a star on the rise. She was also nominated for an Oscar. Anna wins. 

All in all, the Oscars were a disappointment this year since the big awards went to a movie I have come to loathe. But alas, I am outnumbered, by many, it seems. 

The war in Iraq was a monumental mistake to begin with, a low point in American history that will have repercussions for years and generations to come. 

The US government squandered the world's sympathy from 9/11 on fiction and now they're stuck in a mess of their own creation. Do movies about this colossal failure of democracy really need to be rewarded?

BAFTA Blunders

It is my assumption, and perhaps mistakenly so, that the British, in general, have taste. Following the awarding of the latest BAFTA film awards, I'm beginning to have my doubts about this long-held belief. 

The Hurt Locker won the award for Best Film, Director, and Original Screenplay. It won more awards but it pains me just to list those. My regular readers know how I feel about this movie. For those of you who are new to this blog, click here to get caught up. 

I have, in the past, disagreed somewhat with movie critics over minor details. A "you say potato, I say po-tah-to" kind of thing. But never before have I thought movie critics and fans alike have completely lost their shit and swooned over a film of such questionable quality. 

To add insult to injury, Kristen Stewart won the Rising Star award. Huh? I haven't written about Kristen in a while. For a refresher, click here. Kristen's acting is about as interesting as watching paint peel. What about Anna Kendrick? Much more deserving and shows ample promise. She's nominated for an Oscar! Hello? 

I can't possibly explain these odd decisions. Are people blind? Dumb? Masochistic? And these are the British no less! Land of sharp wit and keen observation! I am sorely disappointed in such erroneous choices. This does not bode well for the Oscars.

Top 10 Golden Globe moments

Like there would be any question about it... of course I watched the Golden Globe awards last night. Well, most of them. I skipped the last hour since 10 pm is now my self-imposed weeknight bedtime. It's a new thing I'm trying this year - adequate rest. But I digress. Back to the matter at hand. Here are my observations of last night's telecast:

1 - LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Ricky Gervais as the host. Every one of his bits made me laugh out loud. The man's got balls. I like that. He did not shy away from penis humour or from taking the Hollywood glitterati, not to mention NBC, to task. I don't ever want to know again what this awards ceremony would be like without him. 

2 - My girl crush Tina Fey did not disappoint. Best quote ever: "God is crying for NBC." This was her answer on the red carpet when asked about the rain. I adore this woman. 'Nuff said.

3 - John Lithgow wins best supporting actor for his guest appearance in the 4th season of Dexter. He was one of those nominees I was hoping would win. He creeped the shit out of me with his performance in Dexter, as I knew he would - it was a well-deserved win. Bravo, Mr. Lithgow.

4 - Michael C. Hall wins best actor in a dramatic series for his portrayal of the title character in Dexter. YES. I'm a huge fan of this brilliant show, and I've watched Michael be nominated numerous times and lose. He's incredibly talented and truly deserved this win. 

5 - Toni Collette wins best actress in a comedy for the United States of Tara. Hands down, no contest. My girl Tina was in this category as well but Toni pulls off some truly incredible shit in this show so really, it had to go to her.  

6 - George Clooney signing autographs in the rain. This guy is so classy. While the media pundits were trying to chase him down on the red carpet, George was signing autographs, sans umbrella, for his fans. Oh yeah, and he's organizing a telethon for victims of the Haiti earthquake. This dude is the shit. 

7 - Watching celebs smugly answer questions from the media on the red carpet. Like they're too good for this. Please. If it weren't for the media, you wouldn't be a celebrity! Sure, they ask totally retarded, irrelevant questions but they're your vehicle to international stardom. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. 

8 - Seeing Sophia Loren and Helen Mirren looking utterly ravishing. These women, they were breathtaking. Their dresses fit them like a glove. They had curves, you know, those female curves women used to have before this obsession with thinness. DAMN, they were hot. They take the "age" out of "ageing".

9 - Christoph Waltz winning best supporting actor in a drama for Inglourious Basterds. Yes, Brad Pitt was the "big name" attached to this movie, but Christoph Waltz was the glue that held it together, the one that sticks in your mind long after the film is over. Brilliant performance.

10 - Although I didn't see this portion of the telecast, I can attest that there was no other choice. The Hangover wins best comedy picture. I had no idea what to expect when I went to see this movie last summer. It was comedic gold, f*cking hilarious. No big names, just some gutsy, beautifully ridiculous performances and a good story. Who says you need A-list celebs to make a movie a hit. Story is what counts people, STORY.