Post Apocalyptic Diatribes of a Non-Politically Correct Nature

Sooo... There I was, a few months ago, internally dialoguing with my naïve self, saying: "Yeah, this crummy pandemic should be done soon and I'll be back at work." Oh Ye of little knowledge. As a yoga teacher, it has now sunk in that I won't be "back at work" anywhere near my pre-pandemic capacity for like, eternity. To say I've been "watching" Netflix and Prime is like saying an alcoholic had one drink. I've been gorging on television like a starving Hollywood starlet set free in a Krispy Kreme donut shop. 

In the meantime, the world has turned from total shit to "I think it might be better to be dead". Disease, riots, Trump, the fall of Hong Kong to Chinese rule, Putin's Poison Patrol and the left's adept answer to all this: the Politically Correct Gestapo. I've always considered myself to be a left-leaning Liberal but lately, I'm embarrassed to admit I have any "left" leanings at all. There has been a groundswell of rabid woke folk who somehow have deemed themselves of the purest moral fabric and pronounce their judgements on all others who do not comply with their wokeful edicts.

One is no longer allowed to have a differing opinion or ask difficult questions when it comes to issues of race, gender, sexual harassment, climate, or any other classically left-leaning subject. Take for example, climate change. The PC Gestapo claims that carbon is enemy numero uno and we must focus on reducing our carbon emissions at all costs because THIS IS THE ONLY PROBLEM THAT EXISTS AND DON'T ANYONE DARE QUESTION IT. I choose to question it. I'm not a climate denier. I've loved the environment, recycled and hugged trees for as long as I can remember. But no one seems to be talking about the issue of plastics pollution which may kill us before carbon does, or the sustained availability of potable water, which we literally can't live without or, gee, pandemic preparedness BEFORE a pandemic hits.

There is scientific research (and researchers) stating that yes, the climate does change but we humans have little to do with it. Don't believe me? Feel free to read this; this; this, this and this. I simply feel that it's ok for me to not believe everything I'm told and to do a little research of my own to understand the full breadth and complexity of important questions. Call me crazy but I think a rational, considered response to things seems to be the best route to follow instead of listening to a whiny teenage girl tell me I'm a bad person for merely having existed on this earth longer than she has. 

The PC Gestapo has also lost sight of differing degrees of actions when it comes to things like sexual harassment. The advent of the #metoo movement was an important development and dangerous predators were stopped. I fully agree that this was a good thing. But in the midst of this karmic wave, accusations are being thrown about like yesterday's dirty underwear and people like Al Franken are put in the same category as Harvey Weinstein. With this, I do disagree. Al Franken may have behaved badly, had a momentary lapse of reason, but he's not a predator, à la Jeffrey Epstein. Human behaviour is complex and nuanced. Good people do bad things and bad people do good things. The Left's insistence on categorizing human actions and words to fit into neat little black and white boxes is ridiculous and shows very little understanding of human nature. 

"Cancel culture" in which we essentially deny opinions we don't agree with and the "Twitter Mob" which, to my understanding, is a group of reactionary puritans with a lot of time on their hands whose mission it is to destroy the lives of those who dare to think independently, are both alive and well and thriving in our crisis-riddled, pandemic-plagued present. We don't know how to have a healthy, respectful debate anymore. We don't know how to talk to each other anymore. Hurling insults on social media is not debate, it's bullying of the most cowardly kind. 

When we discuss climate, my partner jokingly refers to me as a right-wing Republican when I start questioning the current climate zeitgeist. I know it's meant in jest, and I laugh because it's funny and I still have a sense of humour, but it is indicative of our current need to categorize and pick sides. Why can't I stand in the middle and share my popcorn with everyone? Oh right, because there's a PANDEMIC.

It's not the supermodel's fault your team lost, hosebag

Apparently, my doppelganger, Gisele Bündchen, got into some hot water lately for remarks made about the New England Patriots' loss in the Superbowl this past Sunday. She really is my doppelganger. Don't believe me?

 Me, very recently, on vacation in St. Bart's.

Gisele Bündchen, at some event.

I know, we could be twins. It's crazy. Anyhoo, she was caught on video swearing at some peeps who were harassing her because her hubby's team lost. I don't blame her. Why bother the quarterback's wife? Like she had anything to do with it. It's not her fault the receivers dropped the f*cking ball when it counted the most. Now, she's being raked over the coals for having stated an obvious truth.

Sometimes, fans can be incredibly dumb. Like when Vancouver was ransacked after the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup last spring. Is setting a car on fire going to reverse your team's loss? Nope. But your sorry ass'll end up in jail, and you'll be even more upset. 

It was embarrassing to say the least. How un-Canadian of us. We're usually so nice and docile (except in Montreal - win or lose, that town goes ape shit over their beloved Canadiens). But I love Montreal for that - they're a passionate lot. Maybe it's the dominance of the French culture which seems much more expressive and enthusiastic, and less repressed. 

Although, Vancouver could be considered Canada's Amsterdam, so the chill factor should have been way high. High. Huh-huh. Get it?

Or maybe I just think that because I was walking around Vancouver, back in the day, high as a kite, in the throes of a giggle fit on Kitsilano Beach. I think my friend and I accidentally wandered onto a movie set that day too, into a crowd of extras. You'd think they'd have better security around those things. I'm probably in a movie and haven't even been properly compensated. This is why I need an agent. And also because I look like Gisele Bündchen.

An ode to Charlie Sheen

Since EVERYBODY is talking about Charlie Sheen and his very public implosion, I thought I'd put my two cents in, 'cause I'm down with the homies, if ya know what I mean. Actually, I don't even know what I mean. It just sounded cool. Anyway... here's a poem, for Charlie. 

N.B.: This little ditty is a combination of fact and fiction. In other words, some of it is true, and some of it is made up so the lines would rhyme. 'Cause I'm cool like that.

An ode to Charlie Sheen

You were born Carlos Irwin Estevez

Such a shy and quiet boy

Loving toy race cars and Pez

The simple things brought you joy

You were a high school baseball star

Making Super-8 films in your car

Then you got kicked out for bad attendance

And swore you'd become an actor as vengeance

You went on to work on Wall Street

And even City Hall

Replacing Michael J. Fox 

Then CBS gave you a call

Cast as Charlie Harper

A character loosely based on you

Two and a Half Men was born

And to you it would be true

Until the day you slammed its creator

When it was evident you were losing your shit

So they canceled the show and called you a traitor

And you resorted to your quick wit

In the meantime you fathered five children

And married all of three times

Now you're living with porn stars, and that's bitchin'

But they took your kids away for alleged crimes

You've trashed hotel rooms and partied hard

And were arrested on Christmas Day

Now the police say you've got to stay in your yard

Via a restraining order, come what may

What happened to you Charlie Sheen

So handsome and so lean

You sniffed too much white powder, got louder and louder

And on self-destruction you are keen

Fun with current events - today's topic: Confusing pronouncements by the Pope

Well wouldn't ya know it, the Pope has finally said condom use is OK. Of course, it's only sanctioned for gay prostitutes, as a "step toward acting responsibly" to prevent the spread of HIV and AIDS. 

Why do only gay prostitutes receive the Church's "get out of jail free" card? Because there's no chance of procreation therefore the condom, in this case, cannot be viewed as preventing the will of God to make more babies on an already overcrowded planet.

Of course, Catholic officials are jumping all over this stating that it's not official Church teachings, as it was said "colloquially" in an interview. I see. The Pope finally takes a step in the right direction, and his closeted gay lackies take two steps back.

Personally, I think the Catholic Church is so full of shit I'm surprised it hasn't choked on it yet. I can't think of a more cruel, hypocritical, antiquated institution that stubbornly refuses to acknowledge the basic tenets of biology and science. Not that empirical experience rules all. I'm a firm believer in spirituality but organized religion seems to be the root of all evil. 

So the fact that the Pope has finally admitted, however narrowly, that condoms are OK, is a farce. We've known this for how long now? Here's what I think:

Fun with current events - today's topic: US airport security

Have you ever noticed how the lyrics to Beyoncé's Single Ladies would be awesome as a song about current US airport security procedures? With just a bit of tweaking...

All the travelers, all the travelers

All the travelers, all the travelers

All the travelers, all the travelers

All the travelers

Now put your hands up

Up in the airport, we just met, I’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
'Cause another scanner noticed me

I’m up on it, it up on me
Don't pay it any attention
'Cause I cried my tears, gave three good minutes
Ya can’t be mad at me

'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a hand on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it
Don’t be mad once you see that it want me
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it

Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have put a hand on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it
Don’t be mad once you see that it want me
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it

I got gloss on my lips, a scanner on my hips
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans
Acting up, boarding pass in my pocket
I can care less what you think

I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay it any attention
'Cause you had your turn, and now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to violate me

'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a hand on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it
Don’t be mad once you see that it want me
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it

Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have put a hand on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it
Don’t be mad once you see that it want me
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it

Don’t treat me to the things of this government
I’m not that kind of girl
Your respect is what I prefer, what I deserve

Here's a scanner that invades me, then takes me
And delivers me to a flight, to a departing gate and beyond
Pull me into your arms
Say I’m the one you own
If you don’t, you won't make your quota, and like a terrorist I’ll be gone

All the travelers, all the travelers

All the travelers, all the travelers

All the travelers, all the travelers

All the travelers

Now put your hands up

Oh, oh, oh

'Cause if you liked it then you should have put a hand on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it
Don’t be mad once you see that it want me
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it 

If you liked it then you should have put a hand on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it
Don’t be mad once you see that it want me
If you liked it then you shoulda put a hand on it

Oh, oh, oh