When you don't have Netflix

We just finished watching the 2nd season of American Horror Story - Asylum. It took me about three episodes to get into this particular season but around episode 5 or 6, shit got real. I love this show. Just when I think they can't outdo themselves after a killer first season (pun intended), they come up with carefully crafted, brilliantly acted stories that seamlessly intertwine and are all beautifully brought to their conclusion by the end of the last episode.

The 3rd season, American Horror Story - Coven, is currently airing but as is our custom, we f*cked up. We waited too long and now our on demand service only has episodes 2 and 3 available for viewing. We can't possibly miss the first episode. So we've resigned ourselves to waiting another year to see that season.

We even finished watching all five seasons of Breaking Bad (or should I say four and a half seasons). Now we have to wait for the final episodes of Season 5 to come out on DVD. This half-season stuff is bullshit.

We're getting nervous. What the f*ck are we gonna watch? We don't have Netflix (yeah, we're losers, I know) so we either watch stuff on demand or buy DVDs. But now what? What's on TV that's any good? Even Modern Family sucks ass now. It's just not funny. Why the writers thought Gloria should have a baby is beyond me. Jay, Gloria and Manny had such great chemistry together. A baby is completely superfluous and adds nothing that wasn't already there.

My boyfriend's theory is that the writers had kids during the last few years and think kids are funny so they wrote them into the show. Newsflash: unless they're a clone of that super cute kid from Jerry Maguire, young children aren't funny, at least not in a scripted TV show. I much preferred the infant actress who played Lily - she was adorable and didn't say a word - to the 4 or 5-year-old who now plays the role. She's terrible and shouldn't ever speak. Every time she does, the humour just gets sucked out of the scene.

Modern Family used to be sharp and funny. Now it's just a series of tired comedy clichés. Although, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Ty Burrell, who plays Phil Dunphy, still brings it, every time, which makes me respect the guy even more. He can still shine while the show tanks around him. Kudos to you, Ty.

So now we're left with movies and hockey (the boyfriend's a huge Habs fan). It's bleak. Downton Abbey and The Bachelor only start up again in January, a whole two months away. That I just mentioned a celebrated PBS drama and a sleazy, low-brow reality show in the same sentence is disturbing. I'm getting desperate.

"Honesty is such a lonely word"

So there I was, trying to be a decent human being, reading some article on Gwyneth's goop website about honesty and gettin' real with yourself and how it will allow you to be honest with others, blah, blah, blah... and I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy 'cause I figure I'm doing some "inner work" by reading this thing and evolving, you know?

Then I come across the following statement, made by the author of said article: "It's an emotional reconnection experience I include along with many others in my upcoming book, Within: A Spiritual Awakening to Love and Weight Loss." WTF?

This is when any semblance of authenticity this guy may have had flew out the window. A spiritual awakening to love and weight loss? Are you f*cking kidding me? You schlep all your "honesty" bullshit and get real with your feelings crap to hit me over the head with the release of your new book which, amazingly, couples spiritual pursuits with weight loss.

Brilliant M.O. my friend. Well done. How better to capture an audience's attention than to throw at them two of the most sought after and often elusive concepts: weight loss and the quest to find the meaning of life.

It's not the first time I've heard weight loss in the same sentence as personal betterment. Apparently when you drop your emotional armour, extra pounds can come off with it. Hey, that's cool. But the above-mentioned statement was couched so surreptitiously within the lines of this article, it felt like a slap in the face, like: "Hey, guess what, this was just a sales pitch asshole. Gotcha!"

Note to goop editors: next time you want to publish some lovey-dovey article about being honest with yourself, you may want to examine how honest the author's motives are for writing the article in the first place. Otherwise, your readers will feel like they've just been f*cked up the ass. That's my honest opinion.