Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Burnout... it's a funny thing

I've decided to plagiarize myself today. For the three followers of my other blog, Oedipal Odyssey, the list below may sound somewhat familiar. For the rest of you, it'll be brand new. Haha! Tricked you. This fall has been ridiculously and awesomely productive for me. However, I've noticed lately that I'm displaying signs of burnout (may be slightly embellished for dramatic effect):

1) Hearing Christmas music at Home Depot while buying our tree made me cry (true story).

2) Someone walking too slowly in front of me on a sidewalk with no room to pass made me cry (it was that or whack them in the head with my gym bag).

3) A repeat of Modern Family when I was expecting a new episode made me cry (no one likes repeats, NO ONE. Unless it's last year's Family Guy Christmas Special.)

4) Homicidal internal dialogue because I'm convinced everyone but me is a complete idiot (self-explanatory).

5) Waking up tired (no good can come of this).

6) Don't even get me started on those SPCA commercials. (Pause) Too late...

7) Buying the box set of all five seasons of Six Feet Under because I'm convinced I can't live without them (don't judge, at least not until you've seen them. Then, you'll understand.)

I'm a little f*cked up, people. Luckily, I have a long Christmas break looming, during which I've banned myself from any form of writing. So, yeah, this blog will be idle for a couple weeks. I know, I know. How can I DO this to you? Well, the ground must lie fallow for a while. As it stands, my fields have been sucked dry by the equivalent of industrial agriculture with all its attendant nastiness.

So, for the next ten days or so, I will become a sloth-like creature, feeding on highly saturated fats and cotton candy TV, replenishing my creative juices. This can only mean one thing. In 2012, I'm gonna rock that shit. 

Happy Holidays my Sassies :-)

Sassy Girl

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

They did it! They finally did it!

Almost a month after it opened, I finally saw Breaking Dawn, Part 1, the fourth installment of the Twilight teen vampire saga. I'm slightly dismayed to admit that I kind of enjoyed it. Ok, maybe a little more than "kind of". Or was it the popcorn doused in extra butter after my stepdaughter found the "do-it-yourself" butter dispenser... but I digress.

I'm still convinced that if you haven't read the books and attempt to watch these movies, you'll be bored out of your mind and wonder what the big deal is. Having read them fills out the missing details which must, necessarily, be omitted from the films due to time constraints and short attention spans. That being said, apart from the first movie, which was all teenage angst and longing (I'm a longer (is that a word?) anyway, I live for that shit.), I think this one might be my favorite so far.

It was beautifully shot in lush locations and Kristen Stewart didn't annoy the crap out of me. Taylor Lautner also had some nice moments, and his shirt was on during most of the movie so I wasn't simply blinded by his ridiculously defined, smooth chest. The kid actually pulled off some decent acting. Robert Pattinson took a back seat in this installment. Apart from Stewart's character, I think Lautner had more screen time than Pattinson who was relegated to the background, looking worried (constipated) in most scenes.

There were some great special effects where Kristen Stewart's character was concerned. (SPOILER ALERT). She basically gets the life sucked out of her when she gets pregnant with a vampire/human half-breed, and they did a good job of making her look like a completely anorexic pregnant chick. It was gross, ergo, successful.

I know, I know. You're all wondering when I'll get to the good stuff - the sex. Well, it was... meh. It was obvious the sex scenes and the violent birth were edited with a PG rating in mind. They were both underwhelming. But I've been ruined by True Blood which is basically soft porn and has set the bar extremely high when it comes to on-screen supernatural being / human sex.

My girl Anna Kendrick, who's in the movie for all of 10 seconds, still manages to steal every scene she's in. Love her. So does Michael Sheen, who plays one of the Volturi (bad ass vamps) in a "secret" scene that only appears after the first set of credits at the end of the movie. So if you go see it, don't leave once the credits start rolling. Wait it out people, there's some important info in that scene that sets up the sequel.

What do we have to look forward to in the next and final installment? What I hope will be hot vampire sex since Bella (Stewart's character) finally turns into a vampire so she and Edward (Pattinson) can have unbridled, damned creature sex, and Pattinson can stop looking like he's constantly trying to take a shit.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Talkin' smack... they make it so easy

Michelle Duggar miscarried her 20th child. Let's consider that a message from Mother Nature: the planet is already overpopulated - any more children from you is not a gift from God but a curse from Satan who would love nothing more than to watch humanity destroy itself. So stop poppin' out more mouths to feed. Your bulging brood is already stressing me out.

Angelina Jolie admits in an interview that she doesn't really have any female friends. She says she's pretty much homebound and only really talks to Brad. What about her brother? You know, the one she open-mouthed kissed at the Oscars? They must be close. Unless he's ticked that she only makes out with Brad now.

Jesse James recently dissed Sandra Bullock on his show American Chopper: The Build-Off, saying of his marriage to Bullock, "I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress". Well, you can take the boy out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the boy. He also cheated on his newest ex-fiancé, Kat Von D. Jesse, you suck. Go away.

Now that Jennifer Aniston is hooked up with Justin Theroux, apparently Pippa Middleton is the new poster girl for sad, single, filthy rich, world is at your fingertips, everyone adores you girl. Yeah, I feel really bad for her.

Kris Humphries, Kim Kardashian's ex-husband, is worried about his basketball career. His contract with the New York Nets wasn't renewed at the end of last season and he's looking for a job. Well Kris, when you go slumming, there are consequences.

Lindsay Lohan will be on the cover of Playboy. Naturally, that would be the next step for a washed up has-been with no career to speak of.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Remember Sleepless in Seattle?

You know when it's been a while since you've seen a show you really love and then you watch it again, and it's even better than you remember? It's been months since we finished watching Season 4 of 30 Rock. We started Season 5 a couple days ago. "It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic." Ok, that's a quote from Sleepless in Seattle. What? I get distracted sometimes. 

Needless to say, my unrequited love affair with Tina Fey was reignited after months of dormancy. This show, there are no words for how clever, funny and smart it is. Oh, I guess there are: clever, funny and smart. Heh.

I want Tina to adopt me. Sure, I'm a grown child, and it's not the same as getting an infant, blah, blah, blah... but I promise to behave. No attempted arson or dependence on prescription meds. Nope. Not this child. Just unadulterated adoration. 24/7.

On another note, I was completely shocked and dismayed upon hearing the news of Ali and Roberto's breakup. For those not familiar with the Bachelor franchise, you may be asking yourselves: Who the f*ck are Ali and Roberto? Well, Ali was The Bachelorette, after being a contestant on Jake Pavelka's season of The Bachelor and ditching the show because she had to get back to her job (puh-lease). She was on her way to being one of the final three! Actually, I blame her abrupt departure for the whole Jake and Vienna debacle. Stupid bitch.

Anyhoo, I guess she decided that "oh-so important" job wasn't really that meaningful because she returned as The Bachelorette with her very own bevy of men to choose from. And she did. She chose Roberto. And they seemed happy. I really thought they would make it. I had hopes and dreams. And now, they're completely dashed.

They just couldn't make it work. She felt his conservative values were clashing with her need for an active social life and career. They had different interests and began to drift apart. Imagine that. You spend six weeks or so in a completely artificial environment with someone and you think you know them. Then they go all "real" on your ass once you've been kicked out of the Bachelor mansion. Unf*ckingbelievable.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Gossip Girl is full of B.S.

The past few weeks have felt like a hike through a desert, barefoot, in a string bikini, with no sunblock. The desert signifying the sheer lack of good TV programming. The only shows we've been able to look forward to lately are Dexter, Hung and Modern Family (when it's not a repeat). In a week that consists of seven days, three TV shows ain't gonna cut it.

However, last night I stumbled upon a cool, refreshing oasis. 1) Season 5 of 30 Rock on DVD. 2) Season 1 of Gossip Girl, also on DVD. No, I hadn't seen one episode of Gossip Girl until last night. Yes, I occasionally live under a rock. I like it there. It's quiet and Fox News can't get a signal.

Anyhoo, there are pivotal moments in one's life, when you realize nothing will ever be quite the same, that things have somehow been forever altered. One of these moments occurred last night when I was introduced to Gossip Girl. They had me at B.S.

There are four seasons of this show on DVD. Now I know what I'll be doing over my Christmas vacation. Putting a dent in our couch, watching a marathon of Gossip Girl. I'll probably forego personal hygiene and a proper diet, in favour of greasy hair, coffee and anything with cheese in it. Eating healthy takes time, time I could dedicate to watching vacuous socialites and their petty lives.

I had lofty goals for my holiday break: read a good novel; do yoga; write. That's pretty much all shot to hell now. How can I possibly concentrate on that when there's rich bitch porn to watch? Even the boys are bitches on this show. Resistance is futile.

I've only seen two episodes but it was love at first watch. I just know it'll last forever, or until the show ends, whichever comes first. 

Sassy Girl


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