Tuesday, April 17, 2012

There's bad, awful, worst of all time, and then... these album covers

My stepdaughter sends me a link to a blog post listing the worst album covers of all time. Below are extrapolations on some of my personal favorites.

Ken was the original prototype for the Ken doll, of Barbie lineage, but he refused to shave his 70's porn 'stache, claiming he had issues with authority and wouldn't be told what to do.

Ken's rebellious ways saved him from spending the rest of his life in the shadow of public humiliation since the Ken doll was devoid of any masculine genitalia, and it would have been assumed the real Ken (by request only) was a eunuch.

To this day, Ken is grateful for having grown up within the confines of a renegade, orthodox Christian sect, a hostile and dysfunctional environment in which Ken's anti-establishment leanings could be fully developed.

Although he can't keep a steady job because he inevitably challenges authority and gets fired, Ken is content caring for his squirrel colony (he has a particular sensitivity for squirrels since they were regularly offered as sacrifices in his sect), and making sweet music.

Remember Joyce? Of course not. No one does. That rose in her hand is symbolic, as in "wallflower". The thorns represent Joyce's daily struggle for acknowledgement of her existence and the leaves catch her bitter tears of disappointment when, despite getting a bad perm, she still went unnoticed. 

Sure, Joyce puts on a brave face but she's dying inside. Literally. Joyce has bleeding ulcers because of her secret addiction to drinking Calgon bubble bath.

Sadly, she misunderstood the slogan "Calgon, take me away" and assumed it was a suicide aid. She thought it strange, at first, that they would advertise this kind of thing, but in her desperation, she put all doubts aside and downed her first bottle in one sitting. To Joyce's surprise, she didn't die right away but there was no turning back, and her addiction to drinking Calgon bubble bath began its destructive journey.

She turned to music to try and fill the void that no amount of Calgon could quench but no one bought her album.

Little known fact: Orion was Ronald Reagan's original inspiration for his "War on Drugs" campaign. Nancy Reagan took Orion under her wing following a chance meeting at a campaign stop in Bobo, Alabama.

It was obvious Orion had suffered severe emotional trauma. It turned out Orion's childhood pet, a large potbelly pig named Beaver (for his proclivity to bite things) had sunk his choppers into Orion's right testicle in a faux wrestling match out in the mud patch on their farm. Orion was only five at the time.

Desperately trying to come to grips with this unintended and painful molestation, Orion turned to drugs, specifically LSD. With prolonged drug use, he developed an alternate personality (clearly on display in this album cover), which he named Hooker, feeling his only destiny was in the sex trade since his innocence had been permanently sullied at such a young age.

But Nancy changed all that. Orion's life now had meaning. He was to be the poster boy for the "War on Drugs" but felt he couldn't possibly remove his mask for fear that he would spontaneously liquefy upon revealing his true face (the dude's on LSD, what do you expect?) so he became Nancy's pet project. She felt music would have a healing influence on Orion and might convince him to one day take off his blue mask and rediscover who he truly is. We're still waiting...

Believe it or not, Tino was one of the first Abercrombie and Fitch models. His classic open leg, one hand awkwardly placed on a body part so as to look "sexy" pretty much defined Abercrombie's image as purveyor of fine clothing to perfectly muscled, waxed male models, and skinny bitches. Below, an Abercrombie model. See the resemblance?

Tino grew up in the rough and tumble town of Rancho Cucamonga, California. Tino was branding cattle by age 8 but always knew he had a larger destiny, one in which he could provocatively display his sinewy, latino body in suggestive clothing.

His first attempt at modeling occurred when some Hollywood producers blew into town looking for extras for a Spanish version of Ghostbusters. Tino used his charm and obvious physical attributes to try and sway the movie executives but they didn't feel he was right for the part of "hysterical, screaming pre-teen on verge of nervous breakdown due to close proximity of popular heartthrob".

However, due to a chance encounter in a sleazy hotel room, one of the movie executives heard Tino singing in the shower and realized the boy had a gift, a gift for music. And the rest is history. Arcane history, but history nonetheless.

Click here for more inspiring album covers.


The Tom said...

I laughed, I giggled, then I went and shave off my 70s porn stache and deleted the abercrombie picture of me of my FB wall.
Well Done

Sassy Stylings said...

Just trying to make the world a better place, one '70s porn 'stache at a time ;)

Gina said...

Poor Joyce! She just wants to be loved.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just . . . wow.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

Sadly I had glasses and a perm much like Joyce in the 70's. And I think the jorts may have been Tino's demise.

Sassy Stylings said...

I recently recalled I had Joyce hair when I was about 4 years old. It explains a lot... sadly.


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