Thursday, May 10, 2012

Honey badger don't care

Honey badger is fearless. It eats snakes, despite getting bitten, eats bee larvae despite being stung. Honey badger don't care.

How to cultivate your inner honey badger:

1) Wear a waist-high thong, hip hugger skinny jeans, a bra as a top and stilettos to church, and proclaim "Jesus loved prostitutes too!"

2) Park in a handicap space and fake a limp.

3) Fart silently in a crowded elevator and smirk when the effects of your noxious fumes take effect.

4) Sit in the "priority seating" section of a bus and when people give you dirty looks because you don't move for the very pregnant lady, point to your stomach and say "six weeks asshole".

5) Ask for a skinny, half-sweet, lactose-free, no foam, whip cream, three sprinkles, double-shot Venti mocha latté at a busy McDonald's.

6) Light up a cigarette in the lobby of an abortion clinic and when they tell you to put it out, say "What? It's not like it's gonna hurt the baby."

7) The next time a casual acquaintance sees you and asks "How are you?", slap them across the face and tell them you've done away with civilized behaviour.

8) Pay for an expensive restaurant meal in pennies.

9)  Walk briskly in a crowded mall, then stop abruptly. Repeat several times.

10) Approach a young child while telling the parents "Oh, he/she is adorable!" Crouch down and whisper to the child "Santa doesn't really exist."


Vanessa said...

I think I've been behind you in the mall. Are you the lady that speed walked to get in front of me and then started practically walking backwards?

Joe said...

Okay - 7, 9 and 10 are my new instructions for daily living. Genius!


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