Tuesday, May 1, 2012

She held her breath

So I'm watching 30 Rock the other night when Tina Fey unveils another of her comic gems: snart. What is a snart, you ask? When one sneezes and farts at the same time.

C'mon, no need to be shy about it, we all know it's happened to us at least once in our lifetimes. And with the force of the sneeze, it's possible even a little poop shot out too. Hmm. What would that be? A spnart?

Speaking of bodily functions, have you ever been sitting in your cubicle, minding your own business, thinking: "If I fart right now, it'll be silenced by my cushy office chair"?

Well, I've thought that, and this one time, I let one rip, right into my chair, only to have the sound rebound off the chair into the surrounding perimeter, causing a brief but loud cacophony, followed by silence. The person in the neighbouring cubicle must have heard something but politely went about her business.

When you have to puke and poop at the same time, how do you prioritize? Which do you need to find first? A sink or a toilet? I'm thinking toilet since shit would be way more disgusting to clean up than vomit.

Although, it would really depend on the content and scent emanating from the vomit. Maybe some puke is grosser than feces. I mean, I kinda know what to expect from poop but how am I supposed to remember all I've ingested in the past 24 hours that could come hurling back up? I can barely remember what happened this morning.

You know what really sucks? Having gas cramps when you're teaching yoga. First off, my distended belly looks like a second trimester baby bumb. Then, I have to keep my posterior cheeks squeezed fairly tight to prevent gaseous emanations from escaping as I lead others into enlightened bliss. It's happened once or twice when, despite my efforts, some squeak escaped and I prayed my students thought it was a creak in the floor.

Why do chicks pretend they never fart? You know what happens to people who never fart? Well, I don't either but I suspect bad things happen, that's what. I mean, do guys really think that "real girls" don't let one rip once in a while? I think they would prefer a fart buddy. I mean, how cool would it be for a guy to brag to his buds that he lit up blue angels with his girl last night?


Deus Ex Machina said...

When I was a little girl, my aunt had me convinced that ladies didn't fart. And she, as it would happen, was a lady. I was pretty sure she was right, and I was a disgusting freak of nature, until my Mom told me that Aunt T was nutsucking crazy. And it just so happens that Aunt T really is nutsucking crazy. But before I sanctify my wonderful mother, who is wonderful, she used to tell my sisters and me that if we puked, we had to clean it up. Puke is my mom's peeve. So, I started making myself puke whenever she made me eat squash. And she was so grossed out, she would chase me away from the table. Win!

Vanessa said...

Snart! I love it. And yeah, I agree it's time to stop pretending we don't fart.

The Tom said...

Girls Fart?
Holy shit. Who knew?

Charlotte Klein said...

Thank you for this. Seriously. I fart. You fart. We all fart. It's enough to hold it in.

Love your hysterical take on this Studio30+ prompt :)

Sassy Stylings said...

It's my small contribution to making the world a better place. Maybe I'll start a campaign and call it "Free the Fart".

Eric Storch said...

If college taught me one thing, it was how to shit and puke at the same time with a minimum amount of mess. And it's simple, really. Just sit on the pot and hold the trash basket between your legs. Done.

And yes, women fart. My wife is my fart buddy - though we don't Blue Angel them.

Marie Nicole said...

I agree with Eric - sitting with trash can between the legs. It's the only way to go, I always release all exits when I puke! And I'm the Farting Queen! But I cannot for the life of me walk and fart at the same time. I need to stop and gently pull the butt cheek otherwise it's all trapped inside!

Anonymous said...

Eric has the answer. Ass on the toilet, head stuck in a trash can. Only way to go.

Thanks for covering this important topic. She held her breath...indeed!


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