Friday, June 8, 2012

G-strings, hamsters and global warming

I realized yesterday I've become one of those girls, you know, the ones whose G-string pops up over their low-waist pants every time they sit down or bend over. Yep. That's me.

I've managed, however, to avoid the full-on plumber's butt 'cause, I mean, I have standards. They're pretty low (waisted) ha! but not trailer trash low. More like upper middle class suburban pot dealer low. Not that I deal pot, 'cause I don't, Mr. Policeman. (They're watching me.)

I bought a couple pairs of jeans at American Eagle the other day and got their AE Rewards card, so I get points whenever I buy stuff there, and I also get 15% off purchases during the entire month of my birthday. Man, these guys know how to turn you into a consumer whore 'cause you know I'm gonna eat that shit up and be there EVERY DAY of my birthday month. Suckers.

Did you know hamsters eat their babies? I thought of this as I was pondering how much I dislike menstruation. Go figure.

Know what I hate? When you get a flavored Starbucks latté and all the sweet stuff sinks to the bottom. It tastes pretty good until you get to those last few sips. Then, your face contorts as an unexpected onslaught of syrupy flavoring overwhelms your taste buds. It's gross. Starbucks, please fix this.

Why do people get headaches when it rains? They say it's because the pressure in the air shifts or something. But aren't we always under pressure, you know, 'cause of gravity?

If a fart is silent, does anybody hear? Like those dog whistles that only dogs can hear.

With about 7 billion people on the planet, why haven't we suffocated from our own gaseous emanations?  I mean, with that many people, someone's farting every second of every day. It's like the cows and their methane.

That shit is so toxic, it's causing global warming, mostly so we can scarf down Big Macs. If fast food didn't exist, there would be less cows, and therefore, less methane, leading to less greenhouse gases causing a reduction in global warming. Holy shit, did I just solve global warming? I ROCK.

3 comments:

Charlotte Klein said...

OMG, why am I the first person to comment? This post is made of win and I nearly spit my coffee all over my computer screen.

Love your resolution for global warming. Seriously. I think you're on to something :)

Stopping in today from the Weekend Spotlight over at Studio30Plus. Hope you are enjoying your weekend!

Kimberly said...

I have to agree with Charlotte - hysterical!

Your stream of consciousness was just perfect for me since I've had an extra two cups of coffee this morning and can't focus on anything for more than a paragraph anyway!

Because you reeled me in..I read every word. And loved. each. one.

Sassy Stylings said...

Thanks ladies! So glad I could bring joy to your day :)) Now I must go and save the planet...

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