Thursday, August 30, 2012

Yoda, are you leading me astray?

So, I have this poster of Yoda quotes. I was looking at it one day, pondering...

If you choose the quick and easy path... You will become an agent of evil. If you choose the quick and easy path, you'll have time for drinks.

Control, control. You must learn control. This directly conflicts with my Healing Power Hour quote: Give up your need for control. Who to trust? Yoda or New Age feel good pap? I'm torn.

Size matters not. Tell that to a fat person.

You must feel the force around you. All I feel is my general disdain for other people. Does that count?

Beware of the dark side. Anger...fear...aggression. If that were the case, we never would have evolved beyond cavemen and life would be devoid of any pleasure.

Luminous beings are we... Not this crude matter. Really? Has Yoda ever smelled a bad fart or had to light a match after a particularly pungent bowel movement?

You must unlearn what you have learned. / Mind what you have learned. Save you it can. WTF Yoda? Do I have to mind what I've unlearned? Is this some kind of Zen koan? You're f*ckin' me up, dude.

The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is. So... if I'm nice, does that mean I can see the future? 'Cause if that's the case, I might consider an attitude adjustment.

Named must your fear be before banish it you can. This only applies if you want to be a functional person. Bo-ring.

A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. Zzzzzzzzz....

Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things. Wake me when being a Jedi sounds remotely interesting.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Turn that frown upside down!

Moody artists are, at times, subject to bouts of depression and periods of paralyzing self-doubt. So we become steeped in melancholy. Sad, unenthusiastic, preoccupied with existential navel gazing. It's the price one pays for being a creative genius.

However, a dilemma arises when one writes what is essentially a humour blog. How can I be funny when I'm depressed? Well, I had a few thoughts on this...

How to cultivate funny when you're depressed:

1) Watch an Intervention marathon on A&E while getting smashed. The irony alone will be enough to perk you up.

2) Incorporate people you hate into your next script. Be merciless. The lesson here? Don't piss off a writer. It will come back to haunt you and will pull said writer out of their funk.

3) Fart loudly in a crowded place. Artists eschew civilized behaviour. And let's face it, farts are funny.

4) When co-workers ask "How are you?" answer with: "Your what hurts?" It will lead to instant confusion.

5) If you have a male boss, the next time he asks you to do something, respond with: "Yes, Mister Grey." Then, when he's all like: "Mr. Grey?" you say: "Ask your wife and, you're welcome." Fun for you, and could score you extra brownie points if he gets laid as a result.

6) Wear clown makeup. How can you not be happy with a clown face? And it might terrorize people with an irrational fear of clowns. You win.

7) Try eating pet food. It smells kinda good. How bad can it be? If anything, it will momentarily distract you from your despondency.

8) Go up to a complete stranger and ask "Why am I here?".

9) While shopping, try on at least six pieces of clothing, simultaneously. When the sales clerk looks at you as if to say: "What the f*ck?" answer: "Duh. It's called layering."

10) The next time you're accosted by someone trying to get you to support a charity, say "Let them eat cake!" When they look at you, confused, say: "Someone doesn't know their French history!".

I feel better already...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Fifty Shades of... WTF?

I just started reading the wildly popular Fifty Shades trilogy. I'm maybe a quarter through the first book, (SPOILER ALERT) where the ever enigmatic, perfectly chiseled Adonis, Christian Grey, and the sweet, innocent and virginal (but not for long), Anastasia Steele, have engaged in "vanilla" sex. I haven't yet got to the really kinky stuff. Is that "chocolate" sex? Maybe "rocky road" would be more appropriate.

I'm a little torn about what I've read so far. The writing is awful. The story, banal, until you get to the sex, which, let's face it, any way you cut it, is titilating. Of course I'll continue to read, because once you get to the raunchy stuff, you don't really care how it's written. It's dirrrty, and we like that.

However, my dilemma arises from the portrayal of how easily this young virgin takes to sex. In their first sexual encounter, Anastasia is still a virgin and has never once masturbated, however, she manages to have three orgasms, one while Christian is stimulating her nipples, the second, during intercourse, with a condom, and the third, again during intercourse, from behind, with a condom.

I get that it's supposed to be a fantasy, and most women who've just read the paragraph above will acknowledge that it is indeed just that, a fantasy. I don't know about you, but the first time you have sex, even if you're not a virgin but with a new partner, it is rarely, if ever, of the multiple orgasm kind.

It's awkward at best, as two people explore new territory and try to figure each other out on a physical level. In reality, most women can't orgasm simply through intercourse, and with a condom? If you're gonna go the fantasy route, you'd better go all the way. There are no condoms in our fantasies because STDs don't exist in Fantasyland. Why bring down the dream with, and I'm paraphrasing here: "As I lay writhing in ecstasy, I heard the tear of a foil packet and he put on a condom." Is this an advertisement for safe sex? No. So, like, WTF?

Anastasia, as it turns out, is also an instant expert at oral sex. Miracles never cease. Again, in reality, practice makes perfect. Your first blow job probably wasn't stellar. It may have been acceptable, but not of the "sweet mother of God, what just happened" variety. I mean, we're playing with junk that in no way resembles our own, and on top of that, each male partner is different from the next, so it's like starting all over again every time you're with someone new.

Realistically speaking, if you stick with one guy for a while and sleep with him a few times, then things start to fall in place, you get familiar with each other's bodies and, if you're lucky, you start to orgasm.

Sure, there are some exceptions. There may be women who can come at the drop of a hat, just thinking about sex or while sitting on the bus, if it vibrates in just the right way, on just the right spot but that's a very slim minority, and one I'm sure us chicks would all like to be a part of.

I guess my only beef with this kind of writing is that it sets such unrealistic expectations of what sex and intimacy are that it can only lead to disappointment if readers try to live up to these ideals. It may even lead some women to think there's something wrong with them because they can't orgasm while some dude pounds away at them, all porn-style. Of course, Anastasia could orgasm, like, her very first time having sex. Feel good about yourself now?

I think erotic literature definitely has its place, especially for women, who I suspect prefer to read about and imagine it rather than watch it. This particular trilogy has definitely got people talking about sex and thinking about sex and probably having more sex and, in that respect, it's a good thing.

I would just be wary of trying to emulate what's in the books, hoping for the same results. Sexuality is such an individual thing and everyone responds to it very differently. Going into it with the myth of the multiple-orgasming virgin looming over you just may suck all the fun right out of it.

Here's my version of this portion of the story:

Christian and Anastasia are having sex for the first time:

Anastasia: F*ck Christian, that hurts!

Christian: You like that, don't you.

Anastasia: No, I'm serious, it f*cking hurts. It's my first time!

Christian: Oh. Ok. I'll go real slow. Easy.

Anastasia: Ok.

Christian: How does that feel?

Anastasia: Um, kinda cool, I guess, and well, weird but good, I think.

Christian climaxes. Anastasia doesn't but thinks sex is kinda neat and wants to try it again sometime soon.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

If they were real vampires, it would have lasted forever

I love it when celebrities trip up, especially ones I feel are overblown, talentless hacks. Like Kristen Stewart. I know, I know, she's Hollywood's little darling, but I can't possibly be the only one who noticed that, ahem, she sucks. Not only Robert Pattinson ... but as an actress.

So, imagine my delight when I found out she was busted for cheating on her Twilight beau with the married director of Snow White and the Huntsman. First off, dude, you're married, and secondly, if you're going to cheat and had to pick between Charlize Theron and Kristen Stewart, the choice seems pretty obvious.

Stewart is one of those questionable Hollywood creations, full of hype but lacking substance. I've seen her in a few flicks, Twilight and non-Twilight, and it quickly became apparent to me that she has no range whatsoever. She's like a wet noodle, flaccid, uninviting. And yet, according to, like, everyone, she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Classic propaganda.

I cannot be convinced and will not be brainwashed by studio executives and their media peons falsely marketing their latest ingenue to sell movie tickets. I'm constantly amazed at the power of media to plant ideas in our brains and manipulate our perception to make us believe in things that aren't even there.

This cheating scandal is the most exciting thing Kristen's ever done.

Ahhh, glad I got that pickle out of my ass. You know, these things, they weigh on me, and I just have to let them out, like diarrhea.


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