Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The Waiting Game

So, it's morning. I'm almost done my daily thermos of coffee. Things are moving along, if you catch my drift. I decide it's time to take a stroll to the ladies' room. However, considering what I have to do, I choose to go to a different floor so as not to run into any co-workers. The washrooms on the floors below and above us are also usually less busy than ours.

So, I make my way downstairs to what I assume will be an empty, quiet washroom. Tactical error. As I make my way in, I hear loud, farting noises which, quite frankly, is a rarity in a women's washroom. I figure, hey, that lady is really comfortable with herself and confident which is more than I can say for myself. So, I end up settling into the last stall by the wall and waiting. You see, I can't go about any kind of serious #2 business with other people around. It must be empty.

So, I wait. Then the other lady in question becomes quiet, like she's waiting too. Trying to wait me out. This is when I tell myself: "Game on, girlfriend." No one waits me out. I always win at that game. You will give up and leave me in peace to do what it is I need to do. Best you not be present anyway. But this one's tough. She hangs on and gives me a run for my money, so much so that I have to readjust my waiting position on the porcelain throne. But I have no intention of giving up.

Still waiting... in silence... a silence only broken by workers out in the hall moving office furniture. And then, finally, it must dawn on her that she's fighting a losing battle. I hear rustling and the squeaky sound of a toilet paper roll on its hinge. Victory is mine.

So, I'm strolling back to my gym locker when I glance up at the TV screen and see "Deepak Chopra, Canada Post CEO" and I'm all like "Huh? I thought Deepak was some spiritual guru dude." "Is that why Canada Post is getting flushed?", I ask myself, thinking that spiritual guru dudes may not be the best business magnates.

So I google it and find out there are two of them (quite possibly more but for the purposes of this paragraph, there are two). All this time, the CEO of our national mail agency had a name I could make fun of but didn't because I wasn't properly informed. This is why it's important to keep up with current events.

You know when you're out to dinner with friends, and you really have to pass gas, it's not one of those situations where you can just hold it in, so you discreetly lift a cheek up off your chair and let a silent one go, assuming no harm has been done? Yeah... I tried that last week. Unfortunately, a stench so foul emanated from me, I almost said something. But I couldn't.

I just watched as my boyfriend got this strange look on his face and hoped to God the scent didn't waft over to the other side of the table where, surely, our friends would pass out. There was a subtle pause, barely noticeable, then we just kept chatting. Crisis averted. My boyfriend thought it was the guy behind him until I copped to it at home. He kind of looked at me in shock and disgust. I started laughing hysterically.

Merry Christmas everyone.

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