Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Arctic madness (also known as "It's bloody cold and I'm losing my sh*t.")

Do you know what a long, cold winter (think like, -40C with wind chill for like, a few weeks in a row) does to a person? It f*cks your shit up. I think I may have read somewhere that there's a disorder in the Arctic that makes people act crazy, like taking an ax to your blow-up doll and making broccoli explode.

I kicked off 2014 by doing some alpine skiing in Vermont in -20C weather with a bad cold, something only powerful pharmaceuticals make possible. Was this a harbinger of the year to come?

I came back to work sick after our Christmas vacation, then I felt better for a couple weeks, then this crazy ass frigid weather hit again, and my cold came back for an encore. If this is global warming, I don't like it anymore. Warm weather when it should be winter = totally acceptable. Weather that only belongs in either the North or South poles = unacceptable.

Now I'm supposed to be all excited about the Olympics. The figure skating is fixed. NHL-player stacked teams make Olympic men's hockey a joke. Only the Dutch seem to be winning speed skating events. (Don't get me wrong, I love the Dutch, but is this the '72 East German women's swim team all over again?) And they keep showing those "How we raised an Olympian" montages with sappy, Hallmark movie of the week background music that gets me every time. Damn you national broadcasters and your emotional manipulation!

It's only mid-February and I'm exhausted. I sensed 2014 would be a year of "growth". Sure, growth can be good but it usually doesn't feel good and you have to go through stuff that "stretches" you, metaphorically speaking, and keeps you perpetually uncomfortable with your "status quo self". I'm starting to think growth is overrated. What's wrong with ignorance and a bottle of wine to numb those pesky emotions? Growth and maturity are for suckers.

On a bright note, I got a mystery Valentine at the office with a picture of Dwayne Johnson (a.k.a. The Rock) with the caption "You Rock".  #totallyawesome

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