Miley Cyrus prepping for future career in adult entertainment

Sometimes, it's like I have a crystal ball and can see into the future. See this post from a few months ago, and then this one. Oh Miley, you're only seventeen but already practicing your stripper moves on a gay 44-year-old producer. Let's face it, you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. Just like her mullet-sporting daddy back in his "achy-breaky" days. 

First, pole-dancing at an awards show, now grinding up against someone who's easily old enough to be her daddy. Maybe she calls him that too... you know, like he says: "Who's your daddy?" and she responds: "You are." Ick... 

The fact that said producer is gay does not make this any less disturbing. She's 17! And she was 16 at the time of their dry hump party. Technically, still a child, not quite an adult just yet. The close-up of their grind fest in the TMZ video is most disturbing. A 44-year-old male rubbing his cock up against a 16-year-old's behind is just wrong.

I'm beginning to think the gay thing is just a cover. Adam (pervy producer man) seemed to be enjoying their "dancing" a little too much. If he is in fact gay, that still doesn't justify molesting a minor in public. 

Dirty dancing certainly has its place, like in clubs, where it's assumed all those given permission to enter are at least of legal drinking age. I'm not naïve enough to believe there are no under-agers in bars but when you lie to get into an unsupervised, booze-infested adult playground, you takes your chances, and that's your problem.

But at a movie wrap party? With young children in attendance? It reeks of unrefined, trailer trash behavior. People who were raised by wolves act this way. Do wolves have a penchant for mullets? Just askin'... 

Mark my words... Miley will be doing this in a few years,

only naked and without a microphone.

Aspiring fame whores take note...

I want to kick myself for having missed this amid the frenzy of NHL hockey playoffs and the haze of too much wine. I'm tickled pink that Betty White kicked some serious ass on SNL over the weekend. I had no doubt she would but the fact that an 88-year-old woman breathed new life into SNL causes me to ponder Hollywood's obsession with youth and physical appearance. Why not focus on talent and uniqueness? Ultimately, that's what matters.

Not that Betty White isn't an attractive woman. She is, and at 88 she's lookin' fabulous. But she's not some pre-fab barbie like say, Heidi Montag. And where did Heidi get the idea that her current freak show figure is something to aspire to? Of course, her plastic surgery saga could simply be a ploy to prolong her tenuous fame which is based on some crap reality show that will soon be ending. 

Betty White is the real deal and there's the difference. This dame has talent. She's interesting, charming and funny. And there's a legitimate reason she's famous. There are far fewer legit celebrities out there these days and more and more reality TV fame whores who are simply seeking to extend their 15 minutes in the spotlight much to our dismay, i.e. the latest Bachelor Jake Pavelka, Kate Gosselin, the Kardashians, etc...

To all young women out there, I would say: stop obsessing about your body and your status on the food chain. Eat well, stay active, get enough rest and be nice to your friends. If you need to obsess about something, obsess about getting a life, about developing your own unique skills and abilities. This will make you a star, wherever you are. Look at Betty White. She's rockin' it at 88. 'Nuff said.

The people have spoken. Bimbos are out. Legendary talent is in.

Pamela Anderson is golden

My dearest Sassies,

I will leave this with you to contemplate over the weekend. I feel anything I have to say would be superfluous to what any intelligent person is thinking.

Peace out y'all...

Lost in Weeds

I SO called this in yesterday's post, and by "mildly retarded" I meant "mental disorder", obviously...

In other big news, Elizabeth Perkins is leaving Weeds after five seasons to pursue other projects. This saddens me greatly. What will Weeds be without Celia Hodes? (Spoiler alert!!) Granted, Conrad and Helia have been MIA for the last two seasons and the show has moved on, impressively, I might add.

But Celia? That hurts. How could Elizabeth want to leave this show? It kicks ass! I'm sure there's another story here just beneath the surface that we don't know about. You don't voluntarily leave a hit show unless you're David Caruso, and even he's learned his lesson, as proven by his long stint on CSI: Miami.

If you've never seen Weeds, you must. I'm giving you a homework assignment. Go rent the series, buy it, upload it, do whatever you have to do. There are currently five seasons, and they are all so f*cking AWESOME. Season Six is premiering this summer on Showtime.

I suspect brother-in-law Andy will be your favorite character, followed by Doug (played brilliantly by Kevin Nealon, a former SNL-er). I can't put into words how sublime Justin Kirk is as Andy. This guy, he's the shit. He was also amazing in Angels in America (you can rent that too... a little more serious, but good nonetheless). This is definitely an ensemble show, and they all rock it, but we always have favorites.

Weeds is quality TV, as opposed to crap TV. Don't get me wrong. I watch crap TV. I know that the new season of the Bachelorette kicks off on May 24, and I'm counting down the days. But luckily, I know the difference. I'm fully aware that crap TV is crap. I suspect the general populace does not make this distinction. This disturbs me. 

Watch Weeds. You'll thank me for it. 

Don't worry, this show won't let your brain go to pot.

If it would stop Heidi Montag, I would eat poo

There are some things so preposterous, I tend to simply not believe them. Like this. Heidi must be stopped. Someone needs to kidnap her and deflate her already overly-bulging bosom. I think she may be mildly retarded. There is no other explanation. 

And now Heidi's considering a trip to Europe to make her boobs and her reputation as a bad plastic surgery joke even bigger. Aren't there laws against this? Heidi should be charged with assault causing bodily harm - to herself.

On another note, the Parents Television Council, some "family-oriented" group is complaining about the latest Family Guy episode, its 150th, in which Brian eats Stewie's poo, licks his butt clean and, oh yeah, also eats Stewie's vomit. 

Personally, I thought it was one of the most brilliant episodes ever since Stewie and Brian are my favorite characters. Of course, this group doesn't mention Brian's initial reticence at having to eat Stewie's poo, and his sad look of defeat once it was all over. And it's not like Brian randomly ate poo. They were trapped in a bank vault. Would you want to endure the smell of poo if you didn't have to? He did it to spare both of them the stench of Stewie's bowel movement due to the uncertainty surrounding the length of their sojourn in the vault. 

There were also other great moments, like when they shared a bottle of scotch, pierced Stewie's ear and played with a handgun.

Of course it's offensive! Family Guy's brilliance lies in its ability to shock and dismay as well as entertain. If you don't like it, don't watch it. The members of these "family groups" are usually the worst offenders anyway. They're the ones having homosexual encounters in department store bathroom stalls or leading secret lives as online porn stars because they're so f*cking repressed. 

Don't judge. You never know. Someday you might have to eat poo too.

 Keep on rockin' in the free world!

Angel's wings have fallen

I'm a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel fan. I cherish these shows. They are witty, intelligent and highly entertaining. And now, this. WTF David!

You're worried about your marriage being tainted? You have forever tainted my opinion of you, not to mention the optics through which I view you on Buffy and Angel. Sure, you're playing a character, but it will always be in the back of my mind now. Cheater, cheater, cheater! You have permanently altered my Buffy/Angel experience. Happy now?

How could you join the ranks of Tiger Woods and Jesse James? Why, David, why? Because your wife was preggers and got a little... rounder for a few months? Because some skanky ho threw herself at you and you figured: Hey, why not? I expected more from you. I expected better than this. 

And now you come clean because your mistress threatened to go public? Oh David. I used to think you were hot shit. I wanted to be Buffy so I would get to make out with you. Thank God we didn't hook up, and you didn't break my heart. Hey, it could've happened. 

Was Hollywood always so infested with liars and cheaters or is it that they're just more exposed now? This is disheartening to say the least, a blow to the Buffy/Angel legacy and to a new generation of Bones fans.  

You're dead to me now. And not in a hot, vampire kind of way. 

More like a maggot infested, rotting corpse kind of way.

Fashion intervention

It all started with a simple idea. I was going to reduce the clutter in my dresser and closet by going through my clothes and donating to charity items I no longer wear. Five hours later, I had succumbed to a full-on fashion intervention by my boyfriend and step-daughter and emerged from the mall with a new wardrobe. Had TV cameras been present, yesterday afternoon would have been a What Not To Wear episode from start to finish.

Apparently, I buy clothes that are too big for me. What can I say, I guess I'm kinda shy about highlighting my assets, however displayable they may be. The only exception to this is my yoga gear. For some reason, I'm perfectly comfortable walking around in public in skin-tight Lululemons. Go figure.

As for the rest of my wardrobe... I got the waist taken in on at least a dozen pairs of pants. I thought I could save them. Some I bought at Value Village because they were brand name pants in good condition and super cheap. I didn't care if they fit, I told myself, I'd wear a belt - problem solved. Other items there was just no excuse for, like my faux-fur animal print coat. It was the shit. I thought... 

About two-thirds of my wardrobe ended up going to charity necessitating an emergency shopping trip so I'd have something to wear to work the next day. My stylist (a.k.a. step-daughter) and I hit up RW & Co., American Apparel, Smart Set and Aritzia. I am now trendier than trendy, totally ahead of the curb, hip, hop, happenin'. 

You know when you're shopping for clothes and you realize you've grown (up or out) and have to go up a size or two or three... it was like that, except in reverse. 

I had to accept that I was not a medium or a large, I was an extra, extra small. I was no longer a size 10, 11 or 12 but a 3, 4 and 5. When did this happen? I've never lost a lot of weight. I didn't go on some crazy diet. The only logical answer was that I've never actually bought clothes that fit. It was a wondrous and strange experience, one that has changed my life forever.

My story should be featured on Oprah... just sayin'.