Friday, August 6, 2010

Cooch theft - a silent epidemic

My dearest Sassies,

It's that time of year again (vacation season), when this writer takes a two-week hiatus and embarks on fun-filled adventures. So... this will be my last post before departing for faraway lands and audacious exploits. I ask that you be patient and please don't abandon me! remain loyal, for your allegiance will be rewarded. No, not like that. With my brilliant writing. Geez, you people...

My creative soil must, from time to time, lie fallow... but not this fallow:

Headline found in my local newspaper: Lady Gaga touts abstinence to protect creativity. Best quote ever: "I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they're going to take my creativity through my vagina." I once had a crystal gravy boat stolen from my snatch. You never think it's going to happen to you. I was in complete disbelief. I felt violated. The police couldn't really do anything. They didn't have any leads. They figured the stolen article might show up in a pawn shop so I should check some of those out.

That's why I keep my vajayjay under lock and key. Don't be fooled. You can't just walk around with the door open - that's inviting trouble. I mean, I have valuables in there, family heirlooms that are, quite frankly, priceless. There are some things you just can't replace. 

I also got an alarm system installed in my cooch. Better safe than sorry. Sure, sometimes the alarm goes off by accident, and I have to call off the police, but that's a minor inconvenience, and one I'm perfectly willing to tolerate if it means my stuff is protected. Although the cops keep telling me they have to do a cavity search, even if it's a false alarm... something about due diligence.

Anyhoo, take it from me. Secure your snatch. It's the best investment you'll ever make. 

I'll be back in a couple weeks. If you need your SS fix real bad during my absence, check out the archives. If you've read them already, they will be a reminder of my brilliance. If you haven't, they will be a reminder of my brilliance.

Tata for now!

1 comment:

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Hey, I read the Lady Gaga quote also, and thought, much as I love her, WTF?

Lock and key is a good idea. So is sanity, but what do I know?

I don't keep my manparts locked up. But then who does?

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