Two fame whores do not make a right

People.com didn't make me want to gag today, but it was a close call. Case in point: an article titled Levi Johnston calls Jon Gosselin a 'Good Guy'. Now there's a solid character reference. In case you're wondering who these people are and why we should care: Levi Johnston is Bristol Palin's baby daddy (Bristol Palin = Sarah Palin's daughter) and Jon Gosselin is the father of eight children from Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame. The two met in New York, I'm guessing under dubious circumstances. Apparently, Jon offered Levi some parenting advice. Ahem.

Johnston was quoted while attending the "sex-oriented Fleshbot Awards in New York City". Sometimes they just make it too easy... Oh people at People, you're so good at glossing over the obvious, at feigning complete ignorance of the harsh facts. 

Fact #1: Levi Johnston will be posing nude in Playgirl, and cites this as a source of income to support his child. He also doesn't plan on going to college. Instead, he will pursue modeling and acting. (Insert snide remark of your choice here.)

Fact #2: Jon Gosselin wasted no time hooking up with a 22-year-old, and hosting Vegas pool parties once his marriage was over. 

Fact #3: Both these men are shameless fame whores, prostitutes, if you will. Levi will be gladly displaying his family jewels for all to see, and Jon basically sold his family to TLC. 

Fact #4: These are not people who should be dishing out parenting advice. 

Fact #5: These are not people who should be taking up space on celebrity gossip websites. 

They are not celebrities. They are fame whores. There is a difference.

Hey Lindsay, shape up or ship out!

According to NYDailyNews.com: "The fight to save Lindsay Lohan continues." There's a fight to save Lindsay Lohan? Why? Apparently, she was having a secret affair with Heath Ledger when he died, and this precipitated her downward spiral. Heath slumming with the likes of coked up, has been Lohan? Not bloody likely.

No offense but if Lindsay wants to self destruct, let her. I know, I know. How could I be so cold and callous? So devoid of feeling? Well, I'll tell you why. Because I'm sick of hearing about this dysfunctional, drug addicted, useless twat. That's why. I have no sympathy left for this girl. She's sucked it dry. And she wonders why her career is in the toilet? 

Hey Lindsay, time to get off the victim train. You have a drug problem? Go to rehab. You have issues with your parents? Go to therapy. You are not the only kid in the world with a dysfunctional family. Look around. How many "functional" families do you know? And yet, we're not all flailing about, spewing our "Woe is me" story to anyone who will listen. 

You're old news Lindsay. If you want to make a comeback, and be taken seriously, you need to grab the bull by the horns and take responsibility for your life. Stop blaming your parents. You're not five. You're an adult, and you can make your own decisions. If your parents want to air their dirty laundry in the public eye, let them. It's their shit, not yours. Don't get involved. They're the ones who'll look like assholes, not you. 

Reclaim your power - stop giving it away to others thinking they will be able to "save" you. Only you can save you. I'm an optimist Lindsay. I believe in second chances. I believe in you. Get your shit together. Lay low for a while. Maybe take an acting class or two. Reinvent yourself. Do it now, because that window of opportunity is closing fast. And whatever you did to your face - i.e., those fake, swollen lips - don't do it again, unless you want to become a porn star. 

Today's true confessions: brand slutting

We were at a L'Oréal warehouse sale in Montreal this past weekend when it hit me... again.  (It's hit me before when a confluence of specific shopping conditions occurred.) I'm a brand name slut. I didn't buy anything at this warehouse sale. That in itself is practically a sin. I wear makeup maybe twice a year so it wasn't entirely unreasonable to not buy any at this sale. Except lip gloss. I wear lip gloss almost every day. I briefly scanned the heavily discounted lip-primping products but then promptly turned my attention elsewhere. Even if I did want lip gloss, it would have to be M·A·C lip gloss. That's all I wear.

Then there were the shampoos and conditioners being sold by the box load. My boyfriend asked me if we should take advantage of the bargain basement pricing. My response? They don't have "our kind" here. "Our kind" smells like coconut, like a beach holiday in a bottle. I don't know if any of these smell like that. No, we will have to pay full price and stick to "our kind".

I am a marketer's dream. My yoga gear is now exclusively Lululemon. If I'm shopping at Winners, I'll scour the aisles for clothing and accessories with a brand name logo that's clearly visible, 'cause I can get them for half the price. I go really ape shit if I find brand name clothing at Value Village or some other thrift store. Then I can get the stuff for 5-6 bucks. It's almost as good as a brick of brie cheese to a former dairy addict who was forced to change her ways due to allergies. But I digress.

Back in the day, I used to think I was all anti-establishment. I even submitted an article to Adbusters on the very subject of branding and how TV sells us the image of a brand, and then we want it. Who ever heard of Manolo Blahnik shoes until Sex and the City came along? You know it's true. I still want a pair of Manolo Mary Janes. And if I ever find them, I will buy them. Even if the cost equates with one month's mortgage payment. I just HAD to have a photo taken of me in front of the Madison Ave. Jimmy Choo store in NYC, and a few years later, with an actual Jimmy Choo shoe in Las Vegas. I am a shameless brand slut.

Of course, every brand whore has a deep, dark retail secret. I bought a pair of generic track pants for 10 bucks at Wal-Mart, and I LOVE THEM. This concludes today's True Confessions. Now go forth, and shop. 

Spiritual Accessories and Stephen Colbert

So I'm watching TV the other night. And I see this commercial, one of those "Call now to receive (fill in the blank)". This one was for some kind of crystal crucifix on a silver chain, and if you looked into the centre of the crucifix, the Lord's Prayer would appear. Obviously Christian. But the best part of this commercial was when they described the jewellery as a great "spiritual accessory". WTF?

I didn't realize my spirituality needed to be accessorized. I was unaware my spirituality was an outfit requiring bling. This commercial was disturbing to say the least, and as such, highly entertaining. When we heard the term "spiritual accessory", my boyfriend and I looked at each other in disbelief, as if to say: "Did they just say what I think they just said?" We're both bitter ex-Catholics so we got a good chuckle out of it. The tragedy is that someone, somewhere, is actually going to buy this product, and wear it to showcase their beliefs. 

Those crazy Christians. I guess since most of their actions don't demonstrate their beliefs, they need to wear stuff that does. 

And now for something completely different...* 

I came across this article in the New York Post online edition today that illustrates the brilliance of Stephen Colbert. Who else would dare put the kybosh on a Springsteen interview? LOVE IT.

* Thank you Monty Python

Kidman is Kinky

Yowza... Nicole Kidman has a wild side? In an interview with British GQ, Kidman confesses to exploring "strange sexual fetish stuff" among other things. Of course, those other things don't sound nearly as interesting and incendiary as "strange sexual fetish stuff" which is why that particular quote is included in the title of the Huffington Post article that caught my eye. Those media people, they're shifty, and I'm so predictable. They know this and they exploit. Bastards.

I like Nicole. I think she's a talented actress but she always looks like she has a broomstick up her ass. I never thought of her as the type who would wander into the land of "strange sexual fetish stuff". Although, being married to a closeted homosexual for like, a decade, might make you do strange things. So I guess it's not that surprising.

Interestingly, she refuses to discuss her marriage to Tom Cruise, citing "I want to honour that marriage for what it was [...]". Let me fill in the blank: a business deal assuring Tom a bulletproof heterosexual cover. I'm guessing she won't talk about it because she can't, as in the Church of Scientology has forbidden her to say a word about how she and Tom broke up because she didn't want any part of the Cult of Crazy. Have no doubt, she cut some kind of deal with them. They leave her alone, she doesn't out her ex-husband or the inner workings of his "religion". I can't reproach her for that. Just cut your losses and move on.

And move on she did, to become an Oscar-winning movie star. Bravo, Nicole, bravo. Besides, we have Paul Haggis to out the Scientologists. So all is right with the world. And Tom has Katie Stepford Holmes who won't cause any trouble. Isn't it ironic that Nicole Kidman starred in a 2004 remake of the Stepford Wives? A fate she luckily avoided.

Kate Gosselin's attempted pity party

There wasn't much on TV last night, so I ended up watching an interview with Kate Gosselin on TLC. It was titled Kate: Her Story. Yes, it was gag inducing, asinine drivel. Why this John and Kate Gosselin have been cover material on celeb rags for months now is a mystery to me. Who the f*ck are these people, and why are they of such interest?

The best part of the whole thing was the interviewer who pulled no punches. She basically called Kate out for pimping her kids for cash. According to Kate, she had no choice. How would they have provided for the kids with her nursing and John working in IT? She claims it would have been over sooner between her and John without the show because of the stress of providing for such a large brood.

Well, here's a thought: why the f*ck would you have eight kids, not to mention having six of them all at once, if you couldn't support them? When the fertility clinic told you that six  embryos had "taken", you could have said: Hey, I'll keep one, maybe two. You already had twins! Were they not enough? Does this sound callous? Talking about human life like it's a commodity - well you two should know, that's what your family is now, a product for mass consumption. Happy? 

My grandmother had ten kids but not ALL AT ONCE. By today's standards, my grandparents were poor, but somehow managed to raise all ten kids in the absence of an audience.

The interviewer nailed it when she asked Kate how she felt about all the stories being published about her and John and, all teary-eyed, Kate claimed they were "hurtful". The interviewer's response? "Well, you're the one who put your family on TV, so basically it's no one's fault but your own." I'm paraphrasing here but you get the drift. I love it when an interview, such as this one, is free of ass-kissing. 'Cause we all know what the real deal is. Kate even blatantly admitted that the show is now their main source of income. Of course it is. 

This whole Gosselin family debacle is yet another argument against the existence of fertility clinics. It's an aberration of the natural order of things. John and Kate Gosselin are more tabloid worthy these days than Brad and Angelina. Need I say more?

Musings on Musicals

Ok, so... sometimes I may blog on the weekend when it's not possible to fit it in between Monday and Friday which was my initial plan. Ain't life like that, you make a plan and then life happens. Hey, there's a John Lennon song lyric about that very thing.

I don't like musicals. I've stated this before but I'll say it again. Although, I was reminded of a few more exceptions to that rule yesterday. The Rocky Horror Picture Show was on TV last night. Very appropriate seeing as it was Halloween. I was assistant stage manager for a live production of the very same musical. It kicks ass. The music, the sexual deviance, the high camp factor. It's f*cking brilliant as far as musicals go.  The movie looks like it was made for 50 bucks which only adds to its allure, and Tim Curry is utterly sublime as the cross-dressing title character Frankenfurter. Any musical with lyrics like" Touch-a-touch-a-touch-a-touch me, I want to be dirty" is a winner in my book. 

I was also reminded of another musical which doesn't really qualify as a musical but more of a rock opera - The Who's Tommy. I was stage manager for a production of this show. Sensing a theme? Not to worry, I was also stage manager for a production of Grease, and I still don't like it. But I digress. Tommy kicks some serious ass. We also noticed during the production I worked on that there is no spoken dialogue in Tommy - it's just one awesome, rockin' song after another, telling a great story with zero cheese factor. Love it. 

I would also be remiss if I didn't add to my "List of musicals that don't suck" the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode in Season 6. DAMN. Joss Whedon, holy f*ck. You are brilliant. This episode pushed the storyline of Season 6 into the stratosphere, and brought  unspoken emotions and personal torment into the light of day, or should I say into the light of song. Again, conveying meaningful emotion without the cheese factor. Camp, yes. Cheese, no. I approve.  

If it turns out I'm actually harboring a love of musicals in some deep recess of my mind, and this post is just a big ol' Freudian slip, I may have to kill myself.