Various titillating tidbits

Ricky Martin is gay. Wow. Can we all agree this is not news and that we've known this, like, forever? Good. Moving on...

How's this for an article title: Mischa Barton vomits at bar. Why is Mischa Barton even mentioned anymore? She is so three years ago. Her OC fame is long past its due date. What has she done since that merits any kind of attention? 

Well, puking at a bar. I guess that'll get a washed-up has-been back in the news. This is when you know they're desperate, grasping at straws, willing to do anything to be back in the spotlight. 

I've seen a couple episodes of the OC. Mischa can't act fo' shit. It's bad, like, really bad. Cringe-worthy. Ms. Barton must consider a career change. Otherwise, her public puking will have to continue. It's not like her talent, or lack thereof, will maintain her tenuous celebrity status. 

 Come on cabbie! I just puked on the sidewalk.

Apparently, Jesse James has entered rehab. Déjà vu, anyone? This sounds vaguely familiar, except without a mysterious car crash. What the f*ck is going on? You cheat, therefore you must be a sex addict? There's no other explanation? 

We really need to snap out of our victimology, where every despicable action can be justified by some "disorder". I call bullshit. You're a lyin', cheatin' bastard Jesse James. Period.

 You a dirty skank, yes you is.

Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of the May issue of the UK Harper's Bazaar, which goes on sale this week. She discusses her "rebirth" five years after her split from Brad Pitt. 

If I have to hear about her f*cking "rebirth" post-Brad one more time, I may have to wield some sharp, heavy object into a cut-out of Jen's face. She's been "re-birthing" for the past five f*cking years! What else is there to say about this? She and Brad broke up. Boo-hoo. She picked up the pieces. Yé! Now can we move on with our lives? Geez....

Jen says of her rebirth: "I love trying new things. I can't just be put in a box." That's funny because she keeps crawling into the same box of lame-ass rom-coms. And they only seem to be getting worse. 

Every time I turn around these days, there's a picture of her and Gerard Butler pimping their insufferable drivel The Bounty Hunter. Jen's overexposed and undertalented. She peaked during Friends and it's been downhill from there. Time for Jen to make a good movie or go away. 

I am so NOT trying to be like Angelina Jolie. Like, so not.

Jake revealed as fame whore, Kate being, well, Kate and Pamela impresses

My opinion of Jake Pavelka has plummeted. He's hired PR firm Rogers & Cowan to represent him because (surprise, surprise) he wants to become an actor. WTF?

I thought Jake was a pilot? Apparently, one of his roomies on The Bachelorette claimed Jake was only there to try and become the next Bachelor. And an ex-girlfriend claims he's fame-obsessed. Guess she's right. 

Now I'm glad Jake didn't pick Tenley. She's too good for him. He kept Vienna on the show for ratings and probably "chose" her to stay in the spotlight. God, it's so obvious now. Ick. I thought it was strange that he would sign on for Dancing With the Stars so soon after The Bachelor. I mean, didn't he want to spend some quality time getting to know his fiancée? 

Apparently, Jakey has other plans. Plans to become a famous actor. I fart in his general direction. That's how I feel about him now. 

 You lie, Jake, you lie. This hurts me.

Then there's Kate Gosselin, fighting with her Dancing With the Stars partner, Tony Dovolani who walked out on her during rehearsal. Kate, a whiny, selfish bitch? I cannot possibly imagine... She's been on this show one week too long. 

 Oh Tony. Did you murder someone in a past life? It's the only way to explain why you must endure this.

On the other hand, I was strangely impressed with Pamela Anderson. It hurts to even admit that. Who knew she could dance? She looks good, she moves well and she's in character. Kudos to you, Pam. For a fleeting moment, I forgot about your crusty-crotch skankiness. 

God, I'm watching Dancing With the Stars. I knew it would all be downhill after The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. I dare not think to what depths I will sink to next...

Biting the hand that feeds you

Chloe Sevigny has been dissin' her show, Big Love, calling the last season "awful" and "far-fetched". Kind of reminds me of Katherine Heigl who was bad mouthin' the writers of Grey's Anatomy a few years ago for providing her character Izzie with weak material unworthy of an Emmy nod. 

I have mixed feelings about these types of comments. On one hand, Katherine had a point. Grey's turned to shit in Season 4 and has never recovered. But as an actor on the show, do you bite the hand that feeds you and acknowledge what everyone else knows already?

I don't watch Big Love, so it's tough to say if Chloe's comments were justified. It's definitely a grey area. Although, she kinda dragged her two co-stars into the conversation saying they were also unhappy with the latest season' s storyline. Now that's a no-no. Bitch all you want but don't involve your sistas. If they want to speak out, they will. But they're probably smart enough not to. 

I'm thinkin' if you're on a hit show, keep your mouth shut. The writers pretty much determine what happens to your character. So if you don't want to become a bit player with an asinine storyline, play the part of grateful working actor. Things could be worse. You could be on Dancing With the Stars.

As for Heigl, she has Anistonnitis. She was a big TV star, then started making shitty rom-coms, playing Izzie in all of them. Good for you! You can only play ONE character! If you can't act fo' shit, as Heigl has so far demonstrated since attempting to play characters other than Izzie, don't be dissin' the writers. Maybe they saw the cracks in your "talented actress" masque, and gave you crap material because they thought that's all you could handle. Just sayin'.

Shameful display of TV enslavement

My dearest Sassies, I've always known I have an addiction to TV but yesterday I was exposed to the soft underbelly of this alluring habit, crack cocaine vs the usual marijuana buzz, if you will. I was at home all day yesterday and, of course, did not want to watch regular daytime TV. Ewww. 

But I needn't have feared, The Movie Network came to the rescue. I scrolled through the listings and there it was, shining like a diamond in the ruff: Six Feet Under. I didn't expect it to still be there but sure enough, there it was, calling my name. I swore I'd only watch one episode. I could do that. 

Wrong. Five episodes, a TV headache, and two bloodshot eyes later, my boyfriend and step-daughter had to stage an intervention. Oh, the shame. This show, I don't know what it does to me, but it's like I enter into this coma, and once I start watching, I can't stop. It's like I have no free will. The show speaks to me, tells me not to look away. And I don't, to my own detriment. 

Yes, boys and girls, this is the downside of TV dependence. The garden variety TV addict can be described as someone who must, at some point during the day, watch TV. This seems perfectly reasonable. Then, there are the hard-core TV addicts, the ones who are so entranced, they will sell their first-born to the highest bidder if it means they can keep watching their favorite show. 

It ain't pretty.

Kate Gosselin's karmic kick-back

O.M.G. This is actually painful to watch, it's so bad. And yet, I relished every minute of it. When fame whoring douchebags are called on their shit, it is so sweet. Time to go back home to your kids Kate and play mommy. Today is a good day.

A haircut is not news

Sometimes, when you're in the groove and you think you're the shit, the Universe has a way of keeping you humble with an occasional smackdown. This happened to me over the weekend when my boyfriend and I squeezed in some spring downhill skiing before all the snow disappears due to an unusually warm winter.

So there we were, on the hill, when I chose to ignore my instincts (mistake) and decided to go down a rather steep run which I've successfully descended in the past, despite my terror. But alas, spring conditions are not winter conditions. They can be tricky. 

I almost made it to safe ground. And then, I went down. My skis flew off in opposite directions, and I slid down the remainder of the hill in a reverse snow angel (face in the snow). Yeah, who's super cool now?

Having been smacked down, I feel I must pay it forward. That's just the kind of person I am. The Universe speaks to me, and I share the message. Today I'm smacking down People.com and The Huffington Post for listing this as an actual story. 

Really? A celebrity gets a hair cut and this is news? And it's Jennifer Love Hewitt. Who cares about Jennifer Love Hewitt? At best, she's a C-list celebrity. If you're gonna feature hair cuts as news, at least make it about an A-lister. And even then, you're reachin', reeeally reachin'. 

If it's a slow celeb news day, just post photos of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt or Suri Cruise. This will be enough. Look, I'll demonstrate:

Ooohhhh.....

Aaahhhh.....

Jennifer who?

Holy Crap! It's a whole new look!

Family, friends, devoted fans, frenemies, enemies, strangers, this is the dawn of a new day for Sassy Stylings. It's a whole new look yo'. Same sass, different look. This is me, caffeine-free. Peace out.