Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Various titillating tidbits

Ricky Martin is gay. Wow. Can we all agree this is not news and that we've known this, like, forever? Good. Moving on...

How's this for an article title: Mischa Barton vomits at bar. Why is Mischa Barton even mentioned anymore? She is so three years ago. Her OC fame is long past its due date. What has she done since that merits any kind of attention? 

Well, puking at a bar. I guess that'll get a washed-up has-been back in the news. This is when you know they're desperate, grasping at straws, willing to do anything to be back in the spotlight. 

I've seen a couple episodes of the OC. Mischa can't act fo' shit. It's bad, like, really bad. Cringe-worthy. Ms. Barton must consider a career change. Otherwise, her public puking will have to continue. It's not like her talent, or lack thereof, will maintain her tenuous celebrity status. 

 Come on cabbie! I just puked on the sidewalk.

Apparently, Jesse James has entered rehab. Déjà vu, anyone? This sounds vaguely familiar, except without a mysterious car crash. What the f*ck is going on? You cheat, therefore you must be a sex addict? There's no other explanation? 

We really need to snap out of our victimology, where every despicable action can be justified by some "disorder". I call bullshit. You're a lyin', cheatin' bastard Jesse James. Period.

 You a dirty skank, yes you is.

Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of the May issue of the UK Harper's Bazaar, which goes on sale this week. She discusses her "rebirth" five years after her split from Brad Pitt. 

If I have to hear about her f*cking "rebirth" post-Brad one more time, I may have to wield some sharp, heavy object into a cut-out of Jen's face. She's been "re-birthing" for the past five f*cking years! What else is there to say about this? She and Brad broke up. Boo-hoo. She picked up the pieces. Yé! Now can we move on with our lives? Geez....

Jen says of her rebirth: "I love trying new things. I can't just be put in a box." That's funny because she keeps crawling into the same box of lame-ass rom-coms. And they only seem to be getting worse. 

Every time I turn around these days, there's a picture of her and Gerard Butler pimping their insufferable drivel The Bounty Hunter. Jen's overexposed and undertalented. She peaked during Friends and it's been downhill from there. Time for Jen to make a good movie or go away. 

I am so NOT trying to be like Angelina Jolie. Like, so not.

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