Sexiest Man Alive my ass!

I am sorely disappointed in People Magazine's most recent Sexiest Man Alive selection: Ryan Reynolds. You'd think I would be ecstatic, seeing as I'm a fellow Canadian. 

But alas, I do not revel in this. I mean, empirically speaking, yes, Ryan Reynolds is attractive but not in a Sexiest Man Alive kind of way. I'm sorry people at People, but eight-pack abs does not sexy make.

 

There's a certain dorkishness he'll never be able to shake, and not a charming kind of dorkishness, à la Justin Kirk, a.k.a. Andy on Weeds. No, his is a kind of irritating dorkitude that sits in the back of your mind, like that nightmare you have about being naked in public, like a persistent tickle in your throat that never fully develops into a cold, like a... well, you get the idea.

Here is a selection of charming dorks that you just want to bring home and take a bite out of. No, not in a cannibalistic kind of way (God, you people - put away that nice Chianti). I mean in a dirty, sexual kind of way:

Anthony Michael Hall - Sixteen Candles

Jon Cryer - Pretty in Pink

Matthew Broderick - Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I'm sensing a theme here. Maybe John Hughes should have been named Sexiest Man Alive... when he was alive that is. Although he did get a tribute at the Oscars which is probably better, in the end. 

I've always had a crush on this man:

British Actor Ralph Fiennes, currently best known as Voldemort, of Harry Potter fame

Wow, he kind of looks like Bradley Cooper.

See what I mean?

Even Bradley Cooper would have been a better choice than Ryan dorky Reynolds! Oh people at People, next time ask for the good drugs, not Lupe's weekend special. This is a travesty, I say, a travesty! 

I can't stop looking at Ralph Fiennes. HAWWWWT. Gotta go.