Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Bag of rusty nails > Paris Hilton

Funniest headline ever: "Paris Hilton Blames Network for Bad Ratings", found on Popeater

I can think of a few reasons why a show featuring Paris Hilton wouldn't get good ratings...

Paris is famous for being famous. And she garnered her fame after (surprise!) a sex tape of her and an old boyfriend mysteriously appeared on the Internet. 

Let's face facts here, Ms. Hilton, shall we? You're a talentless twat. You got famous because you got naked in front of a camera. 

I saw you on Piers Morgan the other night with your mommy, bemoaning the fact that there's a sex tape out there with you in it, and how your life will never be the same and how one day your grandchildren will see this tape because it's all over the Internet, and OMG, the shame! The shame! (Publicity stunt for your failing show perhaps? Hmm?)

You claim you were "betrayed" by your former boyfriend and that the tape got out without your consent? Honey, as soon as you decide to do anything ON TAPE, including things you wouldn't ever want your grandchildren to see, there's a strong possibility that, at some point in the future, someone other than you or your ex-boyfriend will see it, unless it's promptly destroyed. 

I get it. You're a has-been. Yesterday's news. So, like, two years ago. And now you're getting desperate, for attention, that is.

Newsflash sweetheart: No one cares who you're dating, what parties you're hosting or what kind of mindless drivel some hapless TV network let you produce. You suck, and now it's catching up with you. You're some made-up barbie who sounds like a complete moron every time you speak. You're an embarrassment to women in general. You represent all that is superficial and lame. 

And now your time in the spotlight is running out and you want to blame someone else? Well tough shit princess. We're sick of you and your dull debutante culture. If you have any shred of intelligence, now would be the time to showcase it 'cause pretty has taken you as far as it can.

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