Friday, June 24, 2011

Errant ramblings of the newly Jewish

Sidebar to my previous post: I tell my mother about my life-altering realization, that we're Jewish and all, and she calmly replies: "Oh yeah, I've been asked if I was Jewish before." Silence. "What!", I reply. All this time, she's basically kept my true identity from me. I'll be sending her my therapy bills.

And now, on to today's post...

Christopher Lloyd vs. Christopher Lloyd

For quite a few years now, I've thought that Christopher Lloyd, the actor, was also the highly successful screenwriter and producer by the same name. I thought to myself : "Wow, this guy is so low key, quietly producing hit shows like Frasier and Wings and co-creating Modern Family." He's a freakin' genius, and oh so humble about it.

You remember Christopher Lloyd right? Of Taxi and Back to the Future fame? Here's a little refresher:

Well, it turns out, they're two different people with the same name. All this time, I thought this guy was acting, writing and producing. Then I Wikied him and discovered that no, he's not the screenwriter / producer dude. He is indeed an actor and still working steadily but he's not the Hollywood powerhouse I had envisioned in my mind.

Of course, I don't want to tarnish Christopher Lloyd, the actor, or belittle him because he's not quite who I thought he was. He's a talented and successful performer. But I really cherished the thought of this crazy-haired dude also writing and producing some of TV's most memorable shows. Alas, it was not meant to be. There is another Christopher Lloyd and my world has been forever altered. 

Designer Deliveries

What's with celebrity starlets and their C-sections? It's like the designer brand of deliveries. Are vaginal births just, like, so passé? What are you saving your cooch for? The casting couch? Can't these ladies afford, oh, I don't know, a snatch tightening procedure after theirs has been stretched all to hell? 

Not that I encourage frivolous plastic surgery and there are some disturbing trends in labia rejuvenation and such. I just don't know that it's necessarily better to have your gut slit open and your uterus temporarily ripped out of your body to extract a new human being. 

I mean, you can still be all skinny and shit with a loose snatch. Apart from your lover, who's gonna know? And I'm sure it's just temporary if you're dedicated to a daily routine of Kegel exercises. You'll get that tight cooch back in no time, minus the abdominal scar. 

It used to be that C-sections were an emergency procedure in case of very problematic births. Now it's  trendy to "schedule" your child's birth and name it after some inanimate object. Go figure.

Fresh bowls

It's a small detail but one that brings me joy every single time I encounter it. A fresh bowl in a public bathroom. The seat is still up and no one's used it since it was last cleaned. Ahhhh. One of life's simple pleasures that never fails to delight me. 

'Cause, let me tell ya, the public washroom here at the office can get pretty scuzzy. Personally, I don't understand how someone can NOT notice a huge splotch of menstrual blood they've left behind on the seat, or a chunk of vomit or droplets of urine. This leads me to think most people were raised by wolves. Wait, I like wolves. Let's go with... hyenas. 

So when I come across a fresh bowl, all shiny and clean, it really makes my day.

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