Thursday, October 1, 2009

Woes of the Wayward Woman

Let's face it, we're all waiting, waiting for bad things to happen to celebrities, so we can read about it, revel in it, soak ourselves in self-righteousness. "Serves them right. Who do they think they are, living above the rules we all have to follow." It's how we sublimate our envy. 

There are rare exceptions to this, when something truly tragic happens, and we actually feel bad, especially when it happens to celebrities who are known mostly for their great work and seem like really decent human beings.

On the other hand, when bad things happen to people who are famous for their tacky blond hair, big fake boobs, crusty crotch skankiness and lack of intellect, we feel the smile etching itself onto our face, the sense of sheer elation filling our hearts with gladness. 

Pamela Anderson is in debt, mucho debt. Apparently, the California tax board and numerous creditors are pursuing her. Her beachside Malibu home was renovated but she hasn't paid her labour, or her taxes.

Poor Pamela. Poor, poor Pamela. Drowning in debt. Pam, my fellow Canadian, despite the fact that you continue to bring shame to our country by elevating vacuousness to new heights, here are a few ideas to help you turn your life around:

1 -  stop getting boob enlargements
2 -  stop getting boob reductions after boob enlargements
3 -  stop getting boob enlargements after boob reductions 
4 -  learn a trade because you can't act 
5 -  stop dyeing your hair blonde - embrace your natural brunette
6 -  start charging people to watch sex videos of you and Tommy Lee - you may as well make money at what you do best 
7 -  offer your services to the NRA - they probably pay better than PETA

Even though I delight in your misfortunes, I try to help. It's just the kind of person I am.  

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