Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Celebrity Dirt of Orgiastic Proportions

There is a veritable smorgasborg of celeb dirt out there today. Tiger's cheating, Mrs. Keaton's gay, and a new exposé on Brangelina is set to hit bookshelves by Christmas. Damn.

Let's start with the demise of Tiger Woods. Oh Tiggy. Why? Why did you have to go whoring about? I held you in such high esteem. You're a superb athlete and strike me as an all-around classy guy. I know nobody's perfect but still... It hurts Tiggy, it really does. And so soon after the Letterman scandal. You may as well come clean. Forget the thinly veiled confessions of adultery. Be direct. Fess up. Learn from Letterman. No one is talking about his indiscretions anymore. Why? Because there's no dirt left to uncover. Letterman made sure of that. Letterman is f*cking smart. Get his number. 

Meredith Baxter of 80's Family Ties fame is gay. She has officially come out of the closet. Well, slap my ass and call me Judy. I grew up watching Family Ties, and loved it. I guess that would explain her three failed marriages to men. Oh, Mrs. Keaton, I will always hold you dear to my TV-loving heart. Good on you for having found your authentic self. 

An exposé on Brangelina, of highly questionable credibility, will be out in time for Christmas. Apparently, Angelina is a total control freak, Brad is weak, and a break-up is imminent. Hmm... not sure if I buy it. These two strike me as incredibly smart and not averse to f*cking with the press. Sure, Ange strikes me as  less stable than Jennifer Aniston. But I sense Jennifer is incredibly vain, and that can be really annoying. And I'm guessing sex is better with crazy than with vain. Jen would always be worrying about her hair or something.

On a more tragic note, a former Miss Argentina died from complications after cosmetic buttocks surgery. She was 38 years old and a mother of twins. Sweet Jesus. This quote, from the Huffington Post article, really captures it all: "A woman who had everything lost her life to have a slightly firmer behind." Jennifer, pay attention. Extreme vanity can cause bodily harm resulting in death. Take heed.

No comments:


Related Posts with Thumbnails