Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Pumpkin Picking Pulchritudinous Over Perspicacious

It's the Twilight Zone of celeb gossip. Apparently, Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan, of Smashing Pumpkins fame, are now an item, as in a couple. Huh? This makes no sense to me. My brain cannot compute. Ditzy, dumbass, talent-lacking blond dating hard-core, probably intelligent, alt-rocker. No, this cannot be. Only in some strange, parallel universe would this even be possible.

Perhaps Billy is conducting some kind of social experiment, an anthropological study on the effects of dating fame whoring idiots. Maybe he needs new material from which to write angry songs. I refuse to believe that these two have anything remotely in common. And poor Jessica will have her heart broken, once again. First Nick, then John, then Tony, then Daisy. Oh Jessica, this will only lead to disaster. Date someone who is at least as vacuous as you are. Then you might actually have a chance at real happiness.

How on earth will Billy introduce Jessica to his alt-rock buds with a straight face? I mean, come on. This liaison has about as much chance of working out as Lindsay Lohan has of making a comeback. Billy, please don't give yourself over to the dark side, unless it's an undercover gig with a greater purpose. You're still a respected artist. Do you really want to be the next schmuck who is dating Jessica Simpson?

This is what you two would look like, if you were pumpkins. Guess which one is Jessica.

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