Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Rihanna talks out of her ass and Barbara Walters disappoints

My dear Sassies, it is December 1st. The day I allow myself to whip out my collection of Christmas music and play it incessantly at my desk until the big 2-5. Yes, I am one of those people. I also have a collection of films I watch every year before Christmas: Love Actually, The Holiday, Sleepless in Seattle. Don't ask. Even I can't explain it. I think my family is still waiting for an explanation of the pink, fluffy star I bought for the top of the Christmas tree last year. This year, I'll be adding glitter glue to the star. It will be a Merry Christmas indeed. But I digress. Onto other, more pressing matters.

Oh people at People, how would I entertain myself without you? Today, I came across an article titled: Rihanna calls leak of naked pictures 'humiliating'. She claims the photos in question were taken for her boyfriend at the time, and followed that up with this gem: "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." Oh sweetie. Have you learned nothing? If you even have the remotest chance of becoming famous at some point, you don't EVER send naked pictures to ANYONE for ANY REASON. Of course they will end up on the Internet for public consumption. 

You must understand that as soon as you become famous, we will want to tear you down from that pedestal so we can feel better about ourselves or steal it from you. I know, it sounds so cruel. But facts are facts. Human nature is warped - it's a war of egos out there. Never forget that and you won't be "humiliated" again.

Speaking of humiliated, Barbara Walters should be for including Kate Gosselin in her "most fascinating people of 2009" list. Are you f*cking kidding me? Oh Barbara. I thought you, of all people, would have standards, and not pander to the lowest common denominator. Yes, Kate and her ex-hubby Jon have been on the covers of countless celeb mags over the past year but so have Brad and Angelina, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Could you not have chosen an actual celebrity instead of some fame whoring, control freak, suburban mom who sold out her family to a TV network? 

I've seen Kate Gosselin in interviews. She has nothing remotely "fascinating" to say. If anything, you start to feel sympathy for her equally fame whoring, yet less controlling, husband and her children. Watching paint peel is more interesting than listening to Kate. And what is with her hair? It's so distracting with its yuppie awfulness, I can't stand it.

Thank God Christmas is coming. It's my happy place, where the Kate Gosselins of the world can't get to me.

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