Life-saving tips I learned from watching TV

In honour of the long-awaited return of Californication (the 4th season premieres on Sunday, January 9), here are a few things I've learned from the previous three seasons:

1 - Sex may be enhanced by punching your lover in the face.

2 - Masturbating at work is not a good idea.

3 - Sleeping with your ex-wife's fiance's under-age daughter is an even worse idea.

4 - Writing about sleeping with your ex-wife's fiance's under-age daughter, then having the manuscript stolen by said daughter who claims it as her own, then is found out to be a fraud, then you beat the crap out of the daughter's agent who could expose you, may land you in the slammer.

5 - Sleeping with a student is ok if she's a stripper.

6 - Sleeping with a married woman is ok if her husband already cheated on her and she's owed a "freebie".

7 - Don't snort blow if you have a deviated septum - it'll burn like hell.

8 - Rick Springfield is a slut.

9 - If you sleep with a porn actor, chances are you'll probably get an STD.

10 - Not only the young and pretty are horny. 

I can deduce from number 7 that watching TV pretty much saved my life. I suspect I may have a deviated septum since one nostril is bigger than the other and my nose was essentially smushed to one side during birth, making for an interesting "first photo". Why the need for a snapshot immediately after birth? I was obviously not looking my best. Give me a chance to clean up for Christ's sake. But I digress.

I had no idea snorting coke could be so dangerous for someone with a crooked nose. Not that I plan on doing blow anytime soon but if, sometime in the future, I decide that this is something I want to try, I'll know not to sniff it up my schnoz.

In all fairness, this program is not all soft porn. The writing is sublime - it's witty and intelligent and the acting is solid. David Duchovny is superb as Hank Moody, a middle-aged man child trying to get it together but not quite succeeding. 

Evan Handler, who plays Charlie Runkle, Hank's showbiz agent bestie, also deserves a mention (Evan may be better known as Charlotte's husband, Harry Goldenblatt, on Sex and the City), as does Pamela Adlon who portrays Charlie's wife, Marcy. Lovable, despite their many flaws, one can't help but root for these three characters.

The supporting cast also surprises and delights. In Season 3 alone, Kathleen Turner, Peter Gallagher, Rick Springfield and Peter Fonda all made unforgettable appearances. Needless to say, I'm quite looking forward to Season 4, if only to gain more life-saving tips.