Friday, January 14, 2011

How Don Johnson ruined my acting career

A little over a month ago, I was in our basement tracking down a kickboxing certificate my new dojo required since I started up again after a three year absence. Anyhoo, I located this certificate in a Rubbermaid crate full of other memorabilia, including diaries I kept as a young girl. 

I thought I would briefly look through said diaries. An hour or so later, the blue tinge of my bare feet on the cold basement floor indicating that it was time to go back upstairs, I vowed to share my story with the world of how Don Johnson ruined my acting career. 

You're probably thinking: "But Sassy, what's the correlation between your diaries, Don Johnson and your non-existent acting career?" Well, I'm getting to that because I know you're dying to find out. I came upon a diary I kept for a few months when I was 12 years old. In it was depicted my intense crush on Don Johnson, watching Miami Vice and my brief stint in a drama class. 

You see, I was enrolled in a drama class at the local television station that started at 9 am sharp on Saturday mornings. Miami Vice aired at 10 pm on Friday nights. I just HAD to watch Miami Vice because of my obsession with Don Johnson. However, doing so made it terribly difficult to get up the next morning for my class. 

Therefore, my mother told me: "No more Miami Vice." To which I apparently responded: "No more drama class." Yes folks, I quit the drama class after a few weeks so I could watch Don Johnson on TV on Friday nights. (Insert snide remark here.)

Below are selected excerpts from my childhood diary, depicting what can only be described as a strange, deluded state of mind, addicted to fictional characters on TV.

January 17, 1986:

Dear Diary,
I'm sorry I didn't write to you last night. I was so tired I just went to bed right after Miami Vice (my favorite T.V. show). But I won't be seeing it for a while because my mother wants me to go to bed earlier because my drama class starts at 9:00 and Miami Vice finishes at 11:00. I'm sure gonna miss Don Johnson. I found out that Don Johnson has a son and a girlfriend. Well it's really depressing but I still like him. 

It gets worse people...

February 4, 1986:

Dear Diary,
I want to talk about something. My dream. But I just want to tell you that I had an O.K. day today first. Now, you see I'm depressed because you see I really really want to meet Don Johnson but I know it's never going to happen. I have his address but if I write him a letter he probably won't have time to read it. I don't know what's happening to me sometimes I just can't stop thinking of him. Well, I won't die until I meet Don Johnson.

A mere 11 days later, notice this entry describing a typical Saturday morning.

February 15, 1986:

Dear Diary,
I had a good day today. First, I got up and watched cartoons, ate breakfast, did my toilette and my mother brought my sister to her gymnastics. 

Watching cartoons!!! That's what I was doing instead of perfecting my acting skills! Watching cartoons and nursing my crush on Don Johnson. Things could have been so different for me... I could have been a movie star by now, goddammit. 

I am however impressed with my use of the word "toilette", a fancy French word meaning I actually bathed that day.

Damn you Sonny Crockett and your hotness.


A Vapid Blonde said...

I am sure you are not the only one that Don Johnson has ruined, look what he did to Melanie Griffith...twice!

Anonymous said...

Damn you, Don Johnson! Hubby loved the "Miami Vice" too. I actually had to tell him that his 'Miami Vice' posters were not coming with us when we moved in together. He was crushed.

Jen O. said...

That's TERRIBLE! Don Johnson should have came with an age restriction for viewing so he didn't go around ruining perfectly good potential acting careers.

jerrod said...

Substitute Don Johnson with Olivia Newton John and I will feel your pain.

I just wanted Sandy...that's all. And I never want to die until I meet her.

Alli said...

This totally reminds me of how Bon Jovi ruined my art career. When Richie Sambora and Cher got together, I went into an awful hate spiral and never recovered. Those were dark days my friend, dark days.

Sassy Stylings said...

@ A Vapid Blonde: and to think, I was SO jealous of Melanie. Ahh, if only I knew then what I know now...

@ Jules: hubby gets extra points for being a fellow "Miami Vice" fan. Whoot-whoot!!

@ Jen O.: damn right there should have been an age restriction. Who's looking out for the innocent children, I ask, who?

@ Jerrod: I'm guessing it's the Sandy in the black hot pants, high heels and big hair that caused you so much pain? I feel ya bro.

@ Alli: it's comforting to know I'm not alone in my suffering of celebrity obsessions and their disastrous consequences. Is there a 12-step program for us?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I just came across your blog, because you see, I'm currently obsessed with Don Johnson...a few decades too late. I put his name and Melanie Griffith's name in Google,(trying to figure out why he married her) and your posting came up.

I didn't get to watch Miami Vice as a kid. My parents watched it, but I was not allowed. It was an "adult" show. For whatever reason, lately I've been completely obsessed with Miami Vice, and I cannot get enough of Sonny Crockett! Holy crap, he is hot! Especially with his shirt off. Wow! Anyway, I thought your post was pretty funny, and I can totally relate to your 12-year-old self!

In my mind it's still 1985, and Don isn't 60-something years old. Sigh....but he still looks pretty good for his age!

Rose Johnson said...

Oh wow! I ran across this blog whilst looking at image results for Sonny. I had been nursing a mini crush on Don Johnson for many years now. He especially turned me on as Nash Bridges. But Sonny makes me drool too. Recently my crush with Don has become full blown. Looking at my bedroom wall, you'd think I was 12, not going on 32.

The best part??? I've no shame about it. No shame whatsoever!


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