Wednesday, January 19, 2011

If The Bachelor contestants were animals...

The name's Brad Womack. Yeah, this is my second time on the show because I rejected both finalists during Season 11 but don't be afraid ladies, I've been in therapy for the last three years, workin' on my shit, y'know? I'm for reals this time. Are you ready to get serious with some sweet Southern ass?

Contestant Ashley H., 26, a dentist from Philadelphia, PA: Like, oh My God! I am such a happy, bubbly person! And I love to have fun! Our first date at an amusement park was like, so much fun! I just love to laugh and be happy! That is, until you started dating other women. Now I'm getting like all emotional and stuff, and crying a lot because, oh my God, it's getting so hard now. I'm like, starting to freak out a bit.

 Baby, you gotta hang in there. Don't you give up on me. My fragile ego can't handle rejection. Even if you have to watch me make out with lots of other hot chicks, it doesn't take away from our special moments together.

Contestant Emily, 24, a children's hospital event planner from Charlotte, NC: So, here's the thing Brad. I really don't know if you can handle this, I mean, it's kinda crazy, and probably hasn't happened to anyone else ever in the history of mankind. And, I'm so scared to tell you because I think you'll reject me but I'm going to tell you. I'm a mother Brad. Can you handle that? It gets worse. The father of my child was the one true love of my life. He died in a plane crash when I was 18. Then, I found out I was pregnant, and I named my daughter after him. Can you handle that shit? Can you?

  Emily, you are so effing beautiful, that if you told me you had a whole slew of illegitimate children tucked away in a trailer park somewhere, I wouldn't care. Yeah, that's just the kind of guy I am.

Contestant Michelle, 30, a hairstylist from Salt Lake City, UT: Baby, you can tell all the other girls to go home. I've been around the block a few times. The rest of these bitches are little children compared to me. They can't give you want you want. They can't give you what you need. But I can, baby. I can. And I'll continue to rudely interrupt your time with the other girls and pull hissy fits to get attention until you realize that we were meant for each other. 

Michelle, I love that you're a f*cking wack job and that you're clearly obsessed with me in an unhealthy way. That is so freakin' hot. 

Now former contestant Madison, 25, a model from Brooklyn, NY: Yeah, I didn't take this whole "Bachelor" thing too seriously at first, and decided to wear my fake fangs for the first couple episodes just for kicks. Then, I heard Emily's story of unimaginable woe, and thought to myself: I can't take away her chance at love. She NEEDS this. I just WANT it, and I can't  trivialize such an unsuccessful process to find a lifelong partner.

Madison, don't leave before we've even had a chance to get to know each other! You're killin' my ego here! You're messin' up my mojo! You're throwin' me off my game! You're supposed to ADORE me and chase me until I reject you. That's how it works. Don't make me look like I'm not worth the public humiliation of vying for my affections along with 29 other women. 

I'm sorry Brad. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me for seeing the error of my ways and the utter futility of trying to find love in a manufactured, illusory environment.


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