It's been a while since I've done a celeb.rant (meaning: spirited commentary on celebrity bullshit of epic proportions). While perusing Pop Eater recently, there was such an inordinate amount of celebrity stupidity that I couldn't resist weighing in on it.
Russell Brand and Katy Perry in couples therapy
I'm surprised it took this long. I mean, really. It's Russell Brand! Ex-deviant sex addict. There's no way he can keep his junk in his pants when Katy's not around, at least not for a "lifetime". Katy, what the f*ck were you thinking? Give your head a shake girl.
Jude Law and Sienna Miller Split
I'm surprised it took this long. I mean, really. It's Jude Law! Ex-
deviant sex addict nanny f*cker. There's no way he can keep his junk in his pants when Sienna's not around, at least not for a "lifetime". Sienna, what the f*ck were you thinking? Give your head a shake girl.
Tom Cruise, Scientology under investigation for human trafficking, free labour
If you didn't get the memo, Tom Cruise is f*cking crazy; a grossly self-aggrandized science-fiction cult zealot. Katie Holmes has to have been lobotomized (there's no other explanation for her coupling with Tom or her fashion choices) and Suri doesn't have a hope in hell of escaping. But I guess if you've been raised Scientologist your whole life, you aren't aware that humans didn't descend from aliens.
Jennifer Aniston claims she's really happy - really she is!
WHO F*CKING CARES!!! Jennifer hasn't done anything since Friends except churn out shitty rom-coms and date douchebags.
Ashlee Simpson files for divorce from Pete Wentz
WHO F*CKING CARES!!! Ass-lee hasn't done anything since... since... what the f*ck has she done?
Nancy Grace can't believe Lindsay Lohan isn't in jail
Nancy, call me. I think we're soul mates.
Victoria Beckham owns a $35,000 custom-made 24-karat gold iPhone 4What's the vaginal equivalent to "small penis"?