The one where I discover I'm America's Next Top Model

Hey bitches and bros! So I'm back from Jamaica where I discovered I have what it takes to be America's Next Top Model. Case in point: one evening, about mid-week, while getting ready for dinner, I noticed my hair:

Umm, Gisele Bündchen much? I mean, it's so obvious. Look at that perfect beach hair with those natural waves and ZERO product, unless you count the salty ocean breeze that shaped this look. It's all the more miraculous since my hair is naturally straight, and I mean lifeless, limp, no body whatsoever straight. It was a sign. If I could achieve Gisele hair, what ELSE was I capable of? It was then that I decided to put together a portfolio for ANTM. And since I watch the show, I know exactly what Tyra's looking for...

It's important for a model to work with the set she's placed in, whether it's with live bees, underwater, or humping a tree. You can't just stand there and look pretty. You gotta be FIERCE, like you and the tree are ONE. Don't you want to buy those awesome Gap three quarter length cargo pants now? Sure you do. 'Cause it'll get you a tree of your very own.

A model must always presume she's in the spotlight 24/7 and act accordingly, i.e. assume she's entitled to be the center of attention due to her plentiful pulchritude.  Even in Jamaica, the spotlight was following ME. And I was ready.

A model must never forget the camera - look at it, work it and SMIZE (smile with your eyes). Obviously, I'm a pro. I'm looking straight into the camera, my neck is long (so many contestants do not elongate their necks: amateurs!) and I'm smizing but not in an overt way. I'm aware of the placement of my body and am displaying clothing and jewelry products nicely. Notice how all the merchandise is clearly visible?

I am SO ready for Cycle 17. Bring it.