Miley Cyrus voted worst celebrity influence of 2009

This just confirms my initial suspicions and prediction of Miley Cyrus' future profession. Miley was voted the worst celebrity influence of 2009 in an online poll, ahead of Kanye West and Britney Spears. Damn, that makes you a bad, bad girl Miss Miley. Pole dancing at an awards show can really sink your reputation. You know what Miley's becoming? A slunt. What's a slunt, you ask? It's a combination of slut and, can you guess? If you can't, think about it for a minute. It'll hit you soon enough. This word comes from an episode of One Tree Hill. I f*cking love it. It just rolls off the tongue with such ease. Slunt. Say it a few times. You'll start to love it just as much as I do. And I bet you can think of at least one person you know who fits into this category.

Some say Miley is trying to shift from being a pukey, Disney-fied child star to an adult performer. Oh, she's becoming an adult performer all right. And her daddy, Billy Rae thinks it's great! Click here for more on that. Artistic expression my ass. Sex sells. The Cyrus family knows this. Have you seen photos of Miley's little sis in her Halloween costume? Click here. Disturbing? Yes. A la JonBenet Ramsay? Yes. I'm not saying Miley Junior will turn up dead but she has that eerie pre-pubescent beauty pageant thing going on. This can only lead to no good. 

Hopefully, Miley's star is starting to burn out and she will slowly disappear from our collective consciousness to some strip club in Vegas. This will be a gift to humanity, and to horny, drunken men.

Gloomy Goodbyes

It is a day filled with sadness. Even the sky is cloudy and gray. First, I find out that my totally awesome massage therapist is moving and will be leaving in the new year. Then, I find out Mia Michaels is leaving So You Think You Can Dance. She was like, my favorite choreographer. I'm sensing a theme. I usually like themes, but not in this case. I know, the only sure thing in life is change but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Here is a list of other departures and break-ups that shook my world:

1) Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorcing (Back then, I didn't understand. Now I do.)

2) William Petersen leaving CSI (I haven't watched the show in years but still... Oh Grissom, it won't be the same without you.)

3) Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (I kinda knew it was coming what with that whole Angelina business, but still unfortunate, especially since Jennifer is now the "lonely girl".)  

4) Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett (Ok, who am I kidding? Didn't we all see that one coming?)

5) Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford (How can you both be so perfect looking and want to break up?)

6) Alicia Goranson, who played Becky on Roseanne (Sarah Chalke tried her best, but really, if the original actor leaves the show, let the character die - don't revive it with a new actor, then bring the old one back, then bring the new one back again. Totally lame.)  

7) Shannen Doherty leaving the original 90210 (There ain't no bitch like Brenda Walsh.)

8) Rob Morrow leaving Northern Exposure (I loved this series but it should have ended there.) 

9) Micheal Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley (Oh wait, it was their marriage that shook my world, not their break-up.)

10) Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley (She was your Uptown Girl Billy, your Uptown Girl. Doesn't that count for anything?) 

Careless Confessions

It's tough being a writer. Exhilarating at times, yes, but in general, writing great works of art takes time, talent, discipline and perseverance. Unless you're a celebrity. Especially a celebrity with a f*cked up past. In this case, all it takes to be a successful "author" is your desire to regurgitate your awkward private moments, drug addictions and personal failings onto the blank page. Of course these are big sellers. They're the hardcover version of the celebrity gossip magazine. Everyone loves it when the rich and famous suffer, and we allow them to get even richer by buying their crappy, tell-all books. 

Jodie Sweetin, of Full House fame, has written a memoir titled UnSweetined (insert sigh here) in which she describes her crystal meth addiction, blah, blah, blah, and Mackenzie Phillips enraptures us with tales of incest involving her and her late father, John Phillips in her memoir High on Arrival. Is this what "literature" has come to? I admit, on occasion (does every day count as "on occasion"?), I delve into the cesspool of the lowest common denominator and relish in the brain candy that is celebrity gossip. However, I counterbalance this with reading actual works of literature or non-fiction books on relevant issues and people.   

I read Victor Hugo's Les Misérables, in its original French version. There were four volumes, and it took me four years to complete it. It is, to this day, the best book I have ever read. These are the types of books where you feel Divinity is palpable, the writing is so good. Real literature allows you to soar to new heights, plumbs the depths of what it means to be human, and what binds us together in this adventure we call life. And you learn fancy, new words that make you look really smart.

I fear true literature is slowly disappearing. We are no longer capable of investing ourselves in a complex novel. We no longer have the attention span to read something that challenges us with its sublime weaving of  language. If it's not a 30-second sound bite, we're not interested.

These Hollywood types are a far cry from what I would describe as "authors". It's easy to spit out what would otherwise be the contents of a personal journal. This does not require any skill. Publishing houses are just as guilty of proliferating this garbage as those who claim to be "writers". Sadly, the only reason they do get published is because they make money. People buy this crap.

Some will say that Jodie's story might help a drug addict or Mackenzie's a survivor of incest. Bullshit. Do you honestly think there's a shortage of books out there on addiction and incest? Please. We are a society reveling in our victimhood. Poor me. Poor f*cking me. I'm reminded here of a quote from The Secret regarding our "rough" pasts and how they might affect us now and in the future: "It's called: So what?" Love it. We need to get over ourselves. Go to therapy, do what you need to do to deal with your shit and move on. And for God's sake, spare us the details.

Scientology Stripped

Just when I thought it might be a slow news day, I find out that prominent filmmaker Paul Haggis has publicly denounced Scientology. Click here for more info. Do his claims surprise me? Not in the least. I've always had a sneaking suspicion that this "religion" was wacked, as is any organized religion for that matter. Any system of belief that forces you to sever ties with your family (Scientology), believe you're inherently flawed and must spend your life making amends (Catholicism), believe that only those of your religion are bound for heaven, and all others are evil (Islam) is never a good thing. If there were no organized religions, there would be far fewer wars, discrimination and mental health issues.

For some strange reason, Scientology has a hold on Hollywood and Paul Haggis' career may be affected by his "coming out". This really irritates me. A bunch of power-hungry, science fiction fetishists can actually hurt an incredibly talented filmmaker's career? There is all kinds of wrong in that statement. This situation really makes me get my hate on for Tom Cruise et al. No wonder Katie looks like she's had a lobotomy. How else could she tolerate him?

I grew up Catholic which means my every thought was laced with guilt and shame. My first play was about the Catholic church and its views on women and celibacy. I should thank them for the inspiration - it was a successful production. Let's face it, any time you have the Catholic church, sex and violence in the same story, it's guaranteed to elicit some interest.

Paul Haggis, you are one courageous motherf*cker. If it's any encouragement, I received some criticism from ill-informed religious zealots on my production, which they based on a review in a local newspaper and not on the production itself - they didn't bother to go see it (cowards). However, for every nay-sayer, there were at least 10 people who were incredibly supportive and agreed that the Catholic church's policies were harmful and woefully outdated. Don't despair, there are sane people out there...

I can't wait to see how Tom Cruise glosses this one over. Now don't be glib Tom.

Trash and Tequila

I've been traveling lately, and that means I've had plenty of time to read smutty celeb mags which is what I do to kill time in planes, trains but not automobiles 'cause I get motion sickness. I was perusing an issue of People magazine, which isn't as repulsive as its online version for some reason... Anyway, I found two noteworthy tidbits I thought I'd mention: 1) A very witty one-liner: "It's sad when good trash goes bad." and 2) an ad for Hornitos Tequila.

1) "It's sad when good trash goes bad.": a rare display of sharp wit in a celeb rag. It caught my attention and got me reading an article on Gossip Girl which I usually would have skipped since I don't watch the show. Now that is good writing - getting a reader to take interest in an article they would have otherwise ignored. 

Kudos for the snippy saying. Of course, I'm going to steal it and claim it as my own. Don't worry people at People, I will not charge others to use it and therefore will not reap any monetary profits. It will be used solely for my personal aggrandizement. Narcissistic, you say? Duh. I'm a playwright and blogger. I write for audiences. I write to be read, loved and adored. The only reason I have a Facebook page is to make other people envious of me and my fabulous life. Is that wrong?

2) Hornitos Tequila: Now tell me that isn't the greatest name EVER for tequila. Translates easily to "Horny Toes", and here's the tag line: "The taste of Mischieve." I don't even care that "Mischieve" is misspelled. Oh wait. Maybe it's Spanish for mischief. Must check. This ad made me look twice. Actually, it stopped me dead in my tracks. For a moment, I thought it had to be a joke, an ad a la Saturday Night Live, but no, it was for real. Kudos to the company who gave their product such an unforgettable, and in this case, appropriate name. I don't drink tequila but if I see this product in the liquor store, I'm buying it, if only to be able to offer my guests a shot of Horny Toes.

Celebrities - they're just like us!

I love this section of In Touch magazine for its utter ridiculousness. There's always a two-page photo spread devoted to demonstrating to us, the common folk, how celebrities are "just like us" or "showing their real side". Wow, they pick up a pizza! Holy shit, they eat fried food and pump their own gas! OMFG!

This kills me. That I'm avidly perusing a bottom-feeding rag like In Touch is disturbing enough but to find out that celebrities are "just like us"? How can it be? Only in some strange, parallel universe would a celebrity act like a regular Joe. I mean, come on. If you could spend indiscriminately on totally frivolous crap; get a table at a trendy restaurant without a reservation when there's a waiting list; have a personal stylist, publicist, trainer, chef; have free designer clothes sent to you; live in a mansion; walk a red carpet into every party you attend, and basically forget that there is a whole race of human beings beneath you who can only dream of these things, why on earth would you abase yourself and roll in the mud with those miscreants?

Run your own errands? Pump your own gas? Damn, you're a celebrity rebel! If In Touch was smart, they'd change this section to "Celebrities - they're not like you and this is what they get away with", which would be much more interesting. It could include photos of celebs snorting coke or smoking a crack pipe (oh wait, that's been done - I think Kate Moss has recovered nicely), or flashing their naked girly parts when getting out of a car due to lack of underwear (oh wait, that's been done too - Britney seems to be on the mend as well), or having some kinky threesome (oh wait, that one's on the Web - oh McSteamy, you bad, bad boy). Hey, I never said I was ahead of the curb, or that my ideas were cutting edge. But I digress.

This is just another great example of the sheer retardedness of the celebrity/gossip magazine. I actually feel dumber after I've read this type of fare. Of course, this won't prevent me from continuing to read trashy mags. It's part of my lifestyle, and makes me feel good about myself. Hey, maybe celebrity mags should be marketed as self-esteem boosters. Who doesn't feel good when some celeb is exposed for acting like a total dumbass or wearing hideous clothes? This is what insecure teenage girls should be reading instead of fashion magazines. Now that is a cutting edge idea.

Katie's fashion guru? Her daughter.

On the best of days, People.com irritates me with its cutesy, glossed-over reporting of celebrity happenings. On bad days, it makes me want to gag. Today is a bad day. One of the articles appearing today is titled: Katie Holmes has a new fashion guru - Suri! Has anyone actually noticed Katie Holmes' fashion choices over the last few months?  Highly questionable. Rolled up jeans and big, bulky sweaters; some cream-colored pantsuit that was simply horrid, etc... Hopefully Suri has a better fashion sense than her mother.

Katie dresses like someone who is at least twenty years older than her. Does Suri approve of this? Of course, Katie probably doesn't wear anything Tom tells her not to wear. Back in the day, she looked her age. Sweet, young, vibrant. But let's face it, ever since she hooked up with Mr. Scientology, she's been in a downward spiral. She chopped off her hair and dresses like ass. All she can talk about is how "wonderful" her life is, how "wonderful" Tom is, how "wonderful" it is to be a mother. What the f*ck? Did those Scientologists suck out your brain too, along with your free will?

I'm not a fan of Katie Holmes. She should really consider a career other than acting because she sucks at it. She has no charisma, no presence. I look at her on-screen and all I see is empty space. I've seen her in a few movies, and she's royally sucked ass in every one of them. Note to Katie: marrying Tom Cruise will not miraculously bestow acting skills upon you. It will however make you a slave to a wacked out cult based on science fiction.

And that song and dance number on So You Think You Can Dance? Are you f*cking kidding me? The hype about her appearance on that show went on for weeks and for what? Suri could have done a better job. I was actually embarrassed for her, it was so bad.

Yet again, we must deal with the over-exposed, under-talented actress (I use the term "actress" loosely here). Why should we even care about Katie Holmes? My doormat is more interesting than her. I'm guessing it's because Tom Cruise tells us we should be fascinated by his little wifey. Because he wouldn't marry some talentless bimbette. Please. Tom couldn't handle being married to someone who is his equal, or God forbid, a little higher up on the food chain. Remember his gorgeous, talented, Oscar-winning ex-wife Nicole and ex-girlfriend Penelope? I rest my case.

As for Katie, maybe she should get into scrapbooking or something, and really settle into her role as Scientology slave and suburban housewife. She could give a whole new meaning to Desperate Housewives.  

Weekend Musings

Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I got to discussing songs. He heard one on the radio as we were running errands and remarked that it was a great anthem for a break-up. A few hours later, over a glass (or two, maybe three) of wine, the topic resurfaced, and I suggested we look more seriously at this matter for my blog. 

So, there we were, in our kitchen on a Saturday night, pouring over our CD collections and coming up with "life anthem categories". Yes, this is what we do in our spare time. And yes, most of these are older tunes. We're not down with the hip homies and have never downloaded a song. Yes, we're ancient. I just brushed a cobweb off my shoulder. Here are the fruits of our labour:

If any of these feel like the current anthem of your life, you're about to break up or have recently done so:

I'm Free - The Who

Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

I Want to Break Free - Queen

Love Hurts - Nazareth

Babe I'm Gonna Leave You - Led Zeppelin

If any of these feel like the current anthem of your life, you're in a dysfunctional relationship:

Under my Thumb - The Rolling Stones

Cuts Like a Knife - Bryan Adams

With or Without You - U2

Don't Stand so Close to Me - The Police

Under Pressure - Queen

Does Your Mother Know - Abba

Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Joan Jett

Stalker tunes:

Every Breath You Take - The Police

One Way or Another - Blondie

Your Time is Gonna Come - Led Zeppelin

Troy - Sinnead O'Connor

We're not total cynics - here are some of our favorite love songs:

A Case of You - Joni Mitchell

At Last - Etta James

Ice Cream - Sarah McLaughlin

Let My Love Open the Door - Pete Townsend

We're just scratching the surface here so feel free to post comments adding to this list.

Patrick Pimping Product

So I'm watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy last night, which frankly, hasn't gotten much better since the season premiere, (click here for my comments) when I see the cheesiest ad for hair gel starring... wait for it... Patrick Dempsey.

Now, I think we can all agree that Patrick has great hair. But Patrick is a television A-lister, a prime-time hunk of McHotness. These types of TV ads, they're not for A-listers. They're reserved for the has-beens who are desperately looking to reclaim some kind of status, after having fallen off the pedestal of popularity, for those who end up on Dancing with the Stars, which should really be renamed Dancing with Z-listers. I mean come on, who are these people? Brad Pitt is a star. Angelina Jolie is a star. The people on this show should not even be mentioned in the same sentence as Brad or Angelina. But I digress.

Patrick, don't be greedy. You're a star. Leave these shitty commercials to the Lorenzo Lamases and the Harry Hamlins of the world. They need the money and the exposure. This type of prostitution can only hurt you and undermine your sex symbol, successful actor status. When people see ads like these, they think to themselves: "Oh now look at him, poor guy, he's so desperate for work he's in this cringe-inducing commercial for hair gel." Is that what you want Patrick? People's pity? Trust me, the paycheck is not worth the damage this will do to your reputation. The only time you should appear in a commercial like this is on Saturday Night Live.

Jennifer Jonesing for John?

To reek of desperation is never a good thing. Jennifer Aniston reeks of desperation. Yet again, I'm seeing articles about her hanging out with that douchebag John Mayer. Oh Jen. Why do you stoop so low? Why do you go slumming when you don't have to? Jen is now known as the "lonely girl" superstar celebrity. Money, looks, fame, but no man and no babies. Boo f*cking hoo.

So you lost Brad Pitt to Angelina Jolie, and your acting skills are questionable at best. Let's face it, you play the same bland, predictable character in the same shitty rom-com movies. Don't get me wrong, I loved Rachel Greene in Friends. But now it's Rachel Greene in every crappy-ass movie you're in. Somehow you get away with it and you still manage to be insanely rich and famous. So why add desperation to the mix? Unless your crazy is carefully tucked away, and only emerges when in the tender embrace of a half-decent guy who then goes running for the hills. How else do you explain spending even one minute with slimy John Mayer? Just because Bradley Cooper picked Renée Zellweger over you doesn't mean you should go cavorting with white trash. Standards, Jen, standards.

Am I relishing in the demise of yet another over-exposed, under-talented celebrity? You know it. But gosh darn, she makes it so easy! Note to Jen: stop obsessing about your looks, take acting classes, make a good movie for a change, and stop looking for Mr. Right. Can your love life get any worse than it is now? I'm certainly not saying a relationship and children are necessary for a fulfilled life - that's one opinion, not a definitive truth.  Look at the ease with which Cameron Diaz conducts her life. No one thinks Cameron is desperate. People envy her. She strikes us as carefree and happy. And I buy it. That girl is having fun.

You need to start having fun Jen. And if you don't want to be labeled "that lonely girl", stop acting like your life won't be complete until you find that special someone and start procreating. This is the undertone that permeates all your interviews. Desperate = loser, no matter how famous you are.

Wall Street Woefully Wacked

I had the pleasure of seeing Capitalism: A Love Story over the weekend. I love Michael Moore's documentaries. Always have. Say what you will about the guy or the accuracy of the information he presents, at least he says something. He has the courage to ask those uncomfortable, thorny questions mainstream American media shies away from. He will dig up and expose America's soft underbelly.

As always with Moore's films, there was some gasping in the movie theatre at regular intervals as astonishing statistics and shameful actions on the part of those in power, and I don't just mean the government, were laid bare for all to see. What kills me is this deep-seated fear of socialism that pervades the US psyche. In an ultimate, ironic turn of events, 70 BILLION dollars were handed over to Wall Street financial institutions who would have gone bankrupt without the free handout. The same institutions preaching the benefits of capitalism. Taking taxpayers' hard-earned cash to bail their asses out of debt. You know what that's called when the government funds an institution? SOCIALISM.

And now the American people need to realize they have the power to call the shots, and make these Wall Street criminals accountable for how they are spending their money. If the US was truly a capitalist empire, it would have let AIG, Bank of America, Merrill Lynch, etc... fail. Market forces dictate who wins and who loses. They lost. If they played by their own rules, they would have acknowledged this and swallowed defeat. That's how capitalism works. But oh no, they had to run to Washington, whining and threatening financial armageddon if the government didn't help them. 

The American people also now own GM - what should have been another casualty of capitalism. If you can't compete, too bad. Suck it up princess. Now GM is government-owned, and you know what that spells? SOCIALISM.  

I am by no means a proponent of a purely capitalist system. But if you're going to advocate on its behalf and set up an empire based on its tenets, if you have any integrity at all, you're going to stick by its rules and prove its efficacy. All those Wall Street schmucks have proven is that they will employ whatever means necessary to ensure the wealthy stay that way, the middle class disappears, and the poor get poorer. You know what that spells? REVOLUTION. Remember the French one? Yeah, those rich folks weren't so lucky.

Note to Wall Street white collar criminals: I'd watch my neck if I were you. Because once you awaken the giant (the American people), heads will roll. And you can rest assured they're gonna start at the top. Extreme wealth couldn't save Louis XVI and it sure as hell ain't gonna save you. 

Palin Peep Posing for Porn

As I was leafing through a local newspaper this morning waiting for my BLT sandwich, I came across this gem of a story: Father of Sarah Palin's grandson set to pose nude for Playgirl. Those crazy Christians, always up to something. Click here for the full story. My favorite part is that Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin's baby daddy: "is an aspiring actor and most recently starred in a TV commercial for pistachio nuts." Of course the next logical step to developing your acting career would be to pose nude in Playgirl. Who calls their daughter Bristol anyway? It sounds like a brand name for a toilet brush. But I digress.

This should really boost sales of Sarah Palin's new memoir Going Rogue which is already a bestseller even before its release. That the memoir of a little-known, ex-Alaska governor, whose 18-year-old daughter is already a mother, whose sort-of son-in-law is poised to pose nude in a porny magazine, and whose intellectual capabilities are questionable at best, is outselling Ted Kennedy's True Compass kills me inside. KILLS ME. Ted was not a perfect man by any means, nor was the Kennedy clan. However, this man had an impact on US politics. This man had substance. This man was for real.

Are the Palins people we want to read about? Hypocritical, bible-thumping, baby-making, backwater douchebags? The very idea that Sarah Palin would be considered a viable candidate for the 2012 presidential race is laughable. Just thinking about it makes me want to retreat to my happy place.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian readers! The holiday weekend here means no new post on Monday - will return on Tuesday.

Miley Cyrus - dumbass doormat?

Apparently, Miley Cyrus has sent her last Tweet. Why, you ask? Because her new boyfriend doesn't have a Twitter account and doesn't want her to have one either. To which I say: excuse me? Miley Cyrus, role model to millions of young girls (I shudder at the very thought) letting her boyfriend be the boss of her? Now that's a good message to be sending out. If your boyfriend doesn't like it, and he tells you to stop, you should stop. 

Being a reasonable person, my opinion would differ if her boyfriend objected to, let's say, a crack addiction or her pole dancing at award shows. Save the skanky moves for your early twenties, when you'll actually be working as a stripper. But I digress. If that were the case, then I could see the boyfriend's point. But Tweeting? Please. Her fans are already outraged and rallying for her to come back to Twitter.

Miley, don't be an idiot. Show some backbone. This is your chance to prove that you actually have a personality that isn't Disney-manufactured. Tell this f*ck wad he can shove it where the sun don't shine and your fingers will continue to dance on that keyboard and Tweet to their heart's content. 

Face it Miley, you're nothing without the fans. Don't disappoint them. At least not until your career as an adult entertainer takes off.

Gaga for Glee

I don't like musicals. I just can't buy the idea of people spontaneously breaking into song. It smells of bad cheese. Although, there are some exceptions. Spamalot is one of them, redeemed by the comedic genius of Monty Python, and Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge with its brilliant reworking of modern pop songs. Apart from that, I cringe at the thought of watching people sing dialogue.  

Until now... Glee is breaking my stone-cold, anti-musical heart. Glee kicks ass. It's a combination of prime-time soap opera and musical numbers performed by incredibly talented people. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention Jane Lynch who steals every friggin' scene with her comedic prowess. Love her. Glee is one of a precious few TV shows this season that don't suck. And it's been picked up for a full season. This reassures me that there are still people out there with a modicum of intelligence who can appreciate something a little more refined.

That being said, last night when my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to the theatre with him, I scoffed at the very idea. It was Tuesday night. Hell's Kitchen is on Tuesday night, and they were down to the final four chefs. Like I even had to think about it. The tragedy here is that I'm a playwright. What I did last night was a sacrilege. I chose reality TV over live theatre, mind candy over culture, pulp fiction over literature. You get the idea.  

Yeah, I'm a TV whore. I admit it. And if TV can make me like musicals, we're all in trouble. 

Weighing in on the Letterman Scandal

You had to know I was going to comment on this one...

My boyfriend was the one who alerted me to this doozie - David Letterman admitting on air that he had affairs with some of his staff members because some douchebag threatened to expose him if he didn't pony up two million dollars. My jaw dropped as I looked at my boyfriend in disbelief. Not Dave. Not classy, funny, witty David Letterman.

Debate continues to surround this scandal, and everyone has an opinion. Of course I'm going to add to the discourse. Because I think I'm important. Whether that's completely delusional is not the point. But I digress.

Dave f*cked up. He f*cked up royally. Spectacularly. Sensationally. Stupendously. But - yes, there is a but. Dude faced the music, in front of TV cameras, and millions of viewers. I don't know if you've ever made a momentous mistake or suffered a complete lapse in judgement, but when this happens, our first instincts are to shut up and hide, maybe even deny we were involved or plead temporary insanity. But Dave taking responsibility for his actions, in such a public way, now that takes cahones.

I'm not condoning his behaviour - it was lecherous and totally insensitive, and man, do I feel for his wife. But what more can we ask of him? He's come clean, if only for the sole reason that he was being extorted, but still, he nipped it in the bud. And the guy who demanded a couple million from Dave in exchange for his silence is no better, exploiting the mistakes of others for personal gain. Although, I exploit the mistakes of others for personal entertainment. Mostly celebrities and stupid people. Does that make me a bad person?

Despite his highly questionable behaviour, David Letterman is a class act, and I can appreciate the courage it took to say "Hell ya, I fucked up" and still make people laugh. King of Late Night, you've earned your crown.

A Rant on Reproductive Ridiculousness

I was innocently looking through my People magazine when I stumbled upon this story and my cortisol levels shot through the roof... 

Couple #1: a Catholic family with three children trying to conceive a fourth via in-vitro fertilization (IVF). 

Couple #2: a family with a set of twins trying for a third child, also through IVF. 

Fertility clinic f*ck-up: transferred Couple #2's embryo into Couple #1's uterus. Result: Female from Couple #1 is carrying the baby to term, then giving it up to Couple #2, who are the child's biological parents. Both couples are devastated and totally weirded out by the whole situation.

At first glance, it seems our outrage should be directed toward the fertility clinic for their massive mistake. But I like to buck the trend. My outrage is aimed at the use of these fertility clinics in the first place. Couple #1 already had THREE kids, and they put themselves through the rigorous process of IVF to add to their brood. This is the Catholic couple who decided they couldn't go through with an abortion because of their faith. Please. If you really believed in God, you wouldn't have messed with what She gave you. When your uterus was maxed out, you should have respected that, and moved on with your life, or adopted. 

For God's sake, adopt! There are millions of orphans worldwide, and women are voluntarily choosing to stick themselves with synthetic hormones, and have embryos conceived in a petri dish implanted in their wombs. Wanting a biological child is all good and nice, but if it ain't happening, take the hint. 

You know what happens when you dabble in Mother Nature's business? You get deadbeat, trailer trash, octo-mom with 14 kids she can't possibly support without putting them on TV. Hmm... That sounds vaguely familiar. Oh yeah, like John and Kate Gosselin and their eight kids, a set of twins and sextuplets, who've been in front of a TV camera for most of their young lives. This was never meant to be the natural order of things. 

This obsession with having kids that are genetically "ours" is totally narcissistic. While children around the globe starve, millions, perhaps even billions of dollars are being spent by couples on "fertility treatments". 

We need to get over ourselves and gain a healthy respect of our biological limitations. 

Take a cue from Brad and Angelina - bloodlines do not a family make.

Woes of the Wayward Woman

Let's face it, we're all waiting, waiting for bad things to happen to celebrities, so we can read about it, revel in it, soak ourselves in self-righteousness. "Serves them right. Who do they think they are, living above the rules we all have to follow." It's how we sublimate our envy. 

There are rare exceptions to this, when something truly tragic happens, and we actually feel bad, especially when it happens to celebrities who are known mostly for their great work and seem like really decent human beings.

On the other hand, when bad things happen to people who are famous for their tacky blond hair, big fake boobs, crusty crotch skankiness and lack of intellect, we feel the smile etching itself onto our face, the sense of sheer elation filling our hearts with gladness. 

Pamela Anderson is in debt, mucho debt. Apparently, the California tax board and numerous creditors are pursuing her. Her beachside Malibu home was renovated but she hasn't paid her labour, or her taxes.

Poor Pamela. Poor, poor Pamela. Drowning in debt. Pam, my fellow Canadian, despite the fact that you continue to bring shame to our country by elevating vacuousness to new heights, here are a few ideas to help you turn your life around:

1 -  stop getting boob enlargements

2 -  stop getting boob reductions after boob enlargements

3 -  stop getting boob enlargements after boob reductions 

4 -  learn a trade because you can't act 

5 -  stop dyeing your hair blonde - embrace your natural brunette

6 -  start charging people to watch sex videos of you and Tommy Lee - you may as well make money at what you do best 

7 -  offer your services to the NRA - they probably pay better than PETA

Even though I delight in your misfortunes, I try to help. It's just the kind of person I am.