Friday, March 19, 2010

Starbucks marketing genius and Zen disruption

So there I was in my Pumas, Roots recycled cotton jeans, Tommy Hilfiger top, Lululemon hoodie and Mountain Equipment Co-op shell, waiting to order my decaf, half-sweet, soy milk vanilla latté at Starbucks (I'm so mainstream it hurts...) when I see this on the door:

Now, I don't know if the Starbucks marketing people have really thought this through. As soon as I read it, I smiled because it made me think of farts and poo. Immediately. Not coffee, but things that come out of your ass. Somehow, I don't think this was their intention. They may want to rethink that slogan. It's definitely memorable but for the wrong reasons. Although, caffeinated beverages usually make people want to pee and poo. Or maybe that's just me...

I decided a couple weeks ago to stop drinking coffee. I'm proud to say I survived the caffeine withdrawal process. It was not pretty, my Sassies, not pretty. First, there's the "fuzzy head" syndrome where you feel like your head is filled with shag carpeting and you're trying to see through kaleidoscope glasses. 

Then come the splitting headaches and afternoon crashes. Oye. It hurt to look at my computer screen. Then, the sleepies - all I wanted to do was sleep, all day, all night. If I had a pillow that was small enough to fit in my backpack, I would have napped at the bus stop on the way to work. 

But then, ohhhh, sweet victory. You begin to reach the other side. Deep sleep like I haven't experienced since, well, I can't even remember. And the most surprising: energy. I have energy throughout the day that is not synthetically fueled. And I pee a lot less. I don't know about you but coffee turned my bladder into a weak motherf*cker. I had to go all the time. Now I can pee in the morning and not have to go until lunch. It's a MIRACLE! 

Not that I'm advocating caffeine-free living. Apparently, there are some benefits to caffeine consumption and I think it affects everyone differently. I loved the stuff but it was bad shit for me. I was seriously hopped up, running on overdrive. Not good. These days I'm diggin' my newfound Zen, apart from the trauma that Jesse James has caused me due to his overwhelming stupidity. 

Now he's issued an official apology. What I don't get is why he feels the need to say this: "The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment." Is he really trying to whitewash this? Dude, you are guilty, guiltay! This doesn't soften the blow. 

Apparently, In Touch paid what's her face almost $30,000 for her tell-all interview. She claims she did it because she wanted to become a "mainstream celebrity". You want to be famous by being a whoring home wrecker? Really? This chick, Michelle McGee, has two kids. Look what mommy did to feed you. Nice. 

 Get a job!

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